Loss of my baby brother

Discussion in 'Loss of Sibling' started by Chimley, Oct 13, 2016.

  1. Chimley

    Chimley Member

    I don't know if this will help me or if reading this will help anyone. But I'm writing just the same. I loss my baby brother in December 4 years ago . It was said he fell asleep while driving and ran into this tree stump. It was said he died instantly. Since no human was there I don't know how they know. I know his earthly life was lost. And I haven't been able to move on since that morning I was told he was "gone". I have been to three grief counselors over the past years. They all end up wanting me to take pills but I won't. I allowed the first counselor to have my doctor prescribe pills the first year after his death. The pills actually allowed me to stop crying after 90+days in a row of crying. (They thought the crying was hurting me) I'm sure it was but the prescription that actually would not allow me to cry didn't help so I stopped and never took any more pills again. I do not think anything stops the pain. It will be 4 years since he's been "gone" in December and the pain is as deep as if it happened yesterday. I cry often still. I have kept as busy as possible. I have gone through all of the emotions I think are possible. Smiling and remembering good times, sorry for anything I said to him tersely, wishing it was me in place of him, wondering all of the steps I could have taken as a big sister that would have prevented the car accident. (if only I had called him that night, texted him, not called him over to the house the day before so he wouldn't have been tired and not fallen asleep at the wheel, anything). We were the 2 closest people in the family. I've been angry, I've been lots of things but mostly, most of all I've not been myself without him. I miss him with all of me. I see his smile, I hear his voice in my head...I actually know he would be angry to know how my life has stood still for these 4 years. I do try to move forward but i miss him with most of my heart....the rest is just here caring for my mom and sister and hoping that if God is God that he allows him to see that I'm doing all I know to do. It's been almost 4 years and I wonder how long I will be this way. I put on this joyful happy persona in front of everyone that knows me.....but inside, everyday, during the day and especially at night......the tears come and I just want him to be alive.
     
    Denise Alexie likes this.
  2. griefic

    griefic Administrator Staff Member

    I am so sorry to hear of your loss, but happy you have found our site. Thank you for sharing your story. I think losing someone suddenly leaves a feeling of everything being unfinished - with no warning, no chance or opportunity to make it right - we spend so much of our time after second guessing and willing/wishing things to be different. I hope this site is a help to you. I know there are so many people out there who understand. Please take care, and know you are not alone - we are all here to help.
     
  3. Chimley

    Chimley Member

    Thank y9u for your thoughtfulness
     
  4. Katie

    Katie New Member

    Hi, I am in the same boat as you right now. I lost my sister in June of this year. So it's all so fresh. I have some ok days and others I am just so depressed. I tried a grief support group and it was terrible. I miss her every single day. Her and I were best friends, we lived together and did most everything together. I feel so lonely without her. I just hate how this is my new reality. I wish i could change places with her. She had so much to offer this world and was such a good person. I just don't get it. It doesn't make sense. Why are such good people taken and so young. I know I've pushed most people away but my friends just don't understand, at all.
     
    Debsforever likes this.
  5. griefic

    griefic Administrator Staff Member

    Hi Katie, I'm so sorry for your loss and the trouble you've had in finding support. You're right, it does feel like people don't understand and I guess in many ways, unless they've been through it, they can't. It's not unusual to "retreat" in the early days of grief as some people say they'd rather be alone than be with people who don't understand. I'm glad that you have found our site and I hope it can be a help to you. I truly wish you all the best...
     
  6. Chimley

    Chimley Member

     
  7. Chimley

    Chimley Member

    Hi Katie, it's been a while since I've been back to the site so I'm sorry I didn't get to read your response some months ago. I am so sorry you lost your sister and I know you truly understand my loss because of it. What you wrote is so real and so true. There seems to be no answers to all of this. And it does seem the very good ones are taken from us. I will lift your name in prayer and hope that since the time of your post that things are better for you. As for me, this seems to be a never-ending story of grief. This is written to all or any who can understand it. My very first close loss was my grandmother in 2003. That loss was ever present with me as we lived with my grandma in my early years and we remained close...it wasn't until my dad passed away in 2010 that I finally seemed to grieve less for my Gran. It was odd it seemed all I could do then was to cry and miss my dad. And then as is written above I lost my baby brother in 2010 and four years later I was still grieving terribly in 2016. It is now 2017, and after helping my mother in the hospital fight for life for 2 months she finally succumbed in May of this year.....and then and only then did my grieving for my baby brother subside a little bit. I am beyond devastated from the loss of my mother. But watching her fight for this life and survive all of the illnesses and infection that befell her I am so proud to be her daughter. There are simply no words to describe this loss. This emptiness, this orphan-like feeling. I miss everything about her and I want to thank Grief in Common for the email that was sent to me last Saturday. I didn't get a chance to read it until today but it hit home hard. It reminded me that I am not totally alone. The email was the one titled What to do if you don't know what to do. And it made me feel okay about sometimes doing absolutely nothing because I really didn't want to do anything at all but just sit sometimes. And you are so right about almost everything there...keeping busy right afterwards, arranging service, paying bills, handling bank/insurance/house/yada yada made the pain less painful because there was so much to do. There are still lots of things on the to do list but the depression part has crept in and there are days with the exception of taking care of my challenged sister that I do ABSOLUTELY nothing. And thank you for saying it's okay. This is day 84 since my mom has left...passed away...moved on ....gone to be with God or whatever anyone wants to call it ......(the one I detest is "she's in a better place") I digress......so anyway, I have for the umpteenth time decided to pick myself up and get it together like my mom would want me to. I have scheduled the 1st of 8 grief counseling sessions beginning Tuesday. And I have enrolled in a non-formal education class on weekends. I am going to put forth this effort to be or get better and I can say honestly it is NOT because I want to but because I know SHE would want me to. I will end this dissertation :) and report back on how I'm doing. May anyone who gets anything good out of this long post be blessed!!! and again Katie, take good care!!!
     
    griefic likes this.
  8. griefic

    griefic Administrator Staff Member

    Chimley - thank you for checking in and for keeping us posted on your progress. The journey of grieving is a long one, and for most there's no clear end in site. That's why it can help to be walking along that journey with others, and reaching out to help others as you've done is hopefully helpful to you too. I think the counseling, and activities can be a tremendous help and I hope you will keep us in mind as a place for ongoing support as well. We truly wish you all the best~
     
  9. Dear Chimley,
    The response I hate the most is "Everything happens for a reason". Nothing seems very reasonable to me at this point. You have been dealing with so much grief in the past years--you must feel like you have been run over by an eighteen wheeler. Don't be hard on yourself. Along with all of the grief, it sounds like you are also the caregiver for your sister. You have so much to handle, I'm not all that surprised that you are not feeling like you are able to move forward. Every one of those events is very hard a on your physical, emotional, and mental self. Caregiving can be great, but it is also a big deal to be responsible for the welfare of someone else--it can be very frustrating and overwhelming at times--so that is an extra strain on your daily life

    My sister Laurie, died last November, after a nine year fight with cancer. She did not live in my state, so I spent a great deal of time traveling back and forth to be with her after treatments and surgeries. I was there with her through her time in hospice care and when she died. We were very close throughout our lives and I miss her every day.
    About a month ago, my husband died as the result of a homicide. It was such a horrible shock that I'm not quite sure how to even deal with it. Since this is fresh grief on top of old grief, I sometimes feel almost paralyzed. Doing the simplest thing seems to require way too much effort so I often just do nothing.
    My Mom is 91, and she is in hospice care. I was her caregiver for many years. She has severe dementia, so I can't even tell her about my husband because it would be too confusing or worrisome for her. That is very hard for me. She does know about my sister, and she is grieving for the loss of her child.
    I am glad to know about the positive steps you are taking to help yourself. I gives me some hope that I will eventually be able to move through this and be in a little better situation.
    You will be in my thoughts and prayers.
    Cynthia Louise
     
  10. griefic

    griefic Administrator Staff Member

    Cynthia, thank you so much for being here. I'm so sorry for all the losses you have had to face and continue to face. Hope can be found in connecting with other grievers and I'm glad you've come here to do it. Please let me know if you have any questions about the site or if we can be a help to you in any way. Please take care~
     
  11. Thank you for your kindness. Reading/hearing about the losses suffered by others and how it affects them, is a great reminder that I am not alone. I'm glad to have found this site.
     
  12. Chimley

    Chimley Member

    Hi Cynthia Louise, deep deep sympathies, first for the loss of your sister. A sibling living near or far is nevertheless a sibling. Someone who knew you as a child and who knows certain things about you that no one else may have known or cared about. I sometimes think of the things my baby brother and I shared that we would laugh about as grown ups. Like when were not so well off in our childhood years and would come home from school at lunchtime and share crackers and vienna sausages. Or when we were older and went to a live concert and stood in awe of our favorite entertainers on stage (oblivious at the time that we were standing and blocking the people behind us as we were on the 2nd row) laughingly ashamed later as we thought about it. You know doubt have personal memories that only the two of you share as well. Secondly, I am sorry for the loss of your husband. Losing someone suddenly without the opportunity to prepare I can identify with and I am so sorry. I cannot imagine the loss you have due to homicide as that adds something more severe to your loss. I am truly deeply sorry. My prayer is that the wounds you have will heal. There really are no words to suffice. Thirdly I pray that your remaining time with you mother is as loving as can be. My mom also suffered from dementia - like your mom it wasn't total but I can add that she was spared the loss of her mother, husband and son as the dementia left her forgetting the loss of these people so dear to her. It sounds like your mom may be more aware of her loss since she grieves your sister. I'm sure she is not able to give you the comfort you need for the loss of both your sister and your husband so I hope there is someone close that you are talking to. My family tends to not talk out loud about our loved ones that have passed on which is why I needed to seek a therapist., thus, I hope your family is more open. Talking helps me, These people we share parts or most of our lives with WERE HERE. I'm unable to move on without acknowledging them since I carry them with me in my heart and mind. So to all here's my update on my grief counseling and weekend classes to stay busy. 1 Therapist wss fired and am looking for a new one. I found more comfort here by reading your postings than I did with the therapist. I'm big enough to admit it may be me since it's not the first one I've stopped seeing. I simply have not found anyu of their methods helpful. It's probably me since I saw three different therapists after my father/brother passed and now will be on number five when I find him/her. Moving on 2. the classes really help. They keep me focused on something else routinely. I know for 8 hours a day on Sat/Sun for 5 consecutive weeks I had to focus on something else. It was a relief. I will be signing up for another weekend class. In closing I'll just add I still cry several times a week. I dream of my mother and baby brother often and am extremely heartbroken when I wake up and relive the feeling of the loss as new. But even in that I am grateful to have had the dreams of them laughing or talking to me. Weird comfort I suppose. I dream about my dad too but not as much ans I've not dreamed about my grandma for some time. I suppose as distant as their loss becomes I dream less. I don't know. But I do know the thoughts of my dad and Gran are all good now and not too much sorry except for missing the happy times with them. One last thought/info/whatever. I saw my Gran a few days before she passed and so I have a memory of her alive. I saw my dad the day he passed but it seemed he waited for me to leave that night and then passed within the hour after I left so I have a memory of him alive. My baby brother and I texted hours before his accident and I saw him earlier smiling in my garage that day so I have a memory of him alive. I was my mom's caretaker so I was with her each of the 64 days she was in the hospital and almost all of the preceding years that I took care of her. However, I was with her when she passed. As her heart rate went from 92 to 55 I leaned over her and made sure we were heart to heart as her beat went to zero. I say all of that to say I needed to be with her as she left because we were together for years to the last day and I would not trade a day.....but... that memory of her laying there lifeless is embedded in my head and I relive it many many times still. Now I know why many people cannot or should not be with loved ones when they pass. I would do it all over again but I would also advise those who may not be able to deal with it to not do so. Sometimes the last memory alive my be best. Blessings to all. Cynthia Louise you have the first name of my best friend since childhood (Cynthia Carla who was just a joy, she passed away 2 years ago) I wish you peace and send you hugs!!!
     
  13. Lupe

    Lupe Member

    I lost my 17 yr old and everything you wrote I heard from my 7 year old it hurts me that I can't take the pain away from my 6 year old... I know we will never be the same and you know that you will never be the same.. this just happened to me on 12/28/17 and I Just don't know what to do.
     
  14. griefic

    griefic Administrator Staff Member

    Lupe, I'm so sorry for your loss. So many grievers say, that they don't know what to do after loss. The future we expected seems to have disappeared and it's so hard to imagine what could be next or what role we play in that future. We've written an article that I think could be a help to you, you can find it here: http://www.griefincommon.com/blog/what-to-do-if-you-dont-know-what-to-do-after-loss/. Please take care, and thank you for being here with us.
     
  15. Denise Alexie

    Denise Alexie New Member

    I know exactly how you feel!! I lost my baby brother in April. He fell down some stairs and was pronounced “brain dead”. I just want to die because the pain is unbearable...
     
  16. griefic

    griefic Administrator Staff Member

    Denise, I am so very sorry for the loss of your brother and for the pain you are feeling. While I fully recognize the language that we use in grief and how sometimes we talk about not wanting to live any longer with this pain, I always have to take seriously anything that could indicate a griever is in crisis. With that in mind, please know that there is 24/7 phone and chat support at https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org.
    I'm glad you are reaching out for support - I always think that's an indication that we're doing better than we think. I wish you well, and hope you can find some support within our community. We are here to help~
     
  17. Denise Alexie

    Denise Alexie New Member

    I think what upsets me most is I feel like I lost my brother, my mom, and step-father. My brother was their world. They haven’t talked to me since my brothers memorial birthday bash/golf tournament. They released 38 balloons for his birthday and didn’t even include me. My brother was an organ donor. They were privileged to meet the recipients, and again, didn’t include me. I feel so very alone. I wish God would have taken me! The pain is unbearable and I want it to end
     
  18. Denise Alexie

    Denise Alexie New Member

    I think what upsets me most is I feel like I lost my brother, my mom, and step-father. My brother was their world. They haven’t talked to me since mybrothers memorial birthday bash/golf tournament. They released 38 balloons for his birthday and didn’t even include me. My brother was an organ donor. They were privileged to meet the recipients, andagain, didn’t include me. I feel so very alone. I wish God would have taken me! The pain is unbearable and I want it to end