*DAYTIME AND EVENING GENERAL GRIEF GROUPS AVAILABLE EVERY WEEK* CLICK HERE TO JOIN US!

Loss of identity

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by Brihau, Feb 18, 2020.

  1. Brihau

    Brihau Active Member

    Does anyone else feel like they have lost their Sense of identity? I met my husband a few days before my 19th birthday and we were together for 35 years. He died on 12/16 and I feel so lost. Not only did I lose the love of my life, but I lost that last connection to the girl who loved to dance , was insanely jealous and was convinced things were going to turn out right. I don’t know who I am without him and I can’t remember who I was.
     
  2. glego

    glego Well-Known Member

    Brihau, your loss like mine is recent, my husband passed on the 11th of December. Like you, together from early on. That many years you feel like one person, in my struggle to gain my footing I've thought of what we've done together and how I can continue those in his memory. I've also thought about things that I like to do or have done on my own and have picked up doing those things.

    I know it's hard, it's very hard. Some days you won't feel like doing anything, and that's okay. Try to get out for a walk or do something small that brings you joy. I don't know your circumstances, I was a caretaker, or caretaker light as I call it because my husband could do most everything on his own. However, since 2015 he had some long hospitalizations and some of them he was intubated and gravely ill. I sat bedside a good part of the day, many days I felt hopeless and afraid. I started to think about trying to be happy, trying to find some joy is what I call it. It can be small. One day while stopped at a light I noticed a man standing there with his dog waiting to cross, the dog was looking at his owner with such attention and the man was looking back at his dog adoringly, it was moving, a true picture of love. It made me smile, if we look there are snapshots of joy around us. Each day I try to find some joy.

    In time you will find yourself, we both as many on here are so new to this. Give yourself the time to heal, it's okay not to be yourself right now. You've just gone through trauma. In my darkest moments, I tell myself, "I'm not okay, but I know I will be."
     
    Bogman likes this.
  3. Brihau

    Brihau Active Member

    Do you find yourself trying to recall in detail the happy times you had together? Sometimes I feel like I’m rubbing salt in the wound but it feels important to try to keep the memories alive.
     
  4. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Yes, I have lived a wonderful life with my husband. So many happy times and memories. Yet they make me cry. Eventually the wonderful times will make you smile but for now they are torture. Make you miss them even more. I believe all our memories are there waiting for when we’re up to it.
    I see you were with your husband since you were 19, I was with my husband since I was 16 and he was 19, total of 44 years. Yes I feel Ive lost my identity we were as one. Ran and owned a business together, together 24/7 and happy.
    Take care of yourself, get some fresh air and don’t push yourself too hard, things can wait. It’s barely a month since your loss, it’s ok to take time and certainly to cry.
     
    Bogman likes this.
  5. glego

    glego Well-Known Member

    For me the memories have been flooding back, even small moments from long ago. I don't see needing to try, they'll be there, you'll never lose those.
     
  6. Brihau

    Brihau Active Member

    Thank you ladies. I appreciate having you to talk with. I’m so sorry for your loss, I hate that this is where we are now.
     
  7. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member

    Life after loss is a mountain that seems impossible to climb. Brihau, trying to find meaning forward is scary and one that we all now face. I am so sorry for your loss, and wish it would be an easier road. Just don't give in to despair.

    I want to share a gripping song with you performed by Demi Lovato, a singer who feels so alone in life. Watch as she performs you can feel and see her emotions. It is heartbreaking to say the least. You might want to have some tissues handy.



    glego, I wish life forward for you is easier and I am sorry for your loss.

    RLC, I hope you are seeing better days.

    I am finally past the dreaded Valentines day, that was the last significant hurdle I needed to move past and into this new year. With the recent holidays finally over and behind me, it seems so much easier for me to face the upcoming 5th anniversary of my wife's death. I have resolved to try and move forward with my life now, but not forgetting my dearly departed wife.

    Life is strange, when I listen to an artist perform, now those songs with words have such an impact, as I feel as if I am so in touch with my emotions now. I make sure to post a comment to an artist, and let them know how their song has affected me. In my current state, when I watch something gripping I am not afraid to feel it. Afterall, what is life if we just move on through it and not let life grab us by our heart and mind.

    I don't always have the best words, and I don't always put it in terms that others will always understand, but let me say this, they come from my heart, nothing more.

    I want you all to take solace that there is still a lot of life for us all to live. As long as we never forget those that we loved what more can you ask.

    Peace be with you all.
     
    Bogman and glego like this.
  8. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Thank you David for sharing, it gave me goose pimples and tears, very emotional. I found Valentine’s Day to be very difficult. Went in the store to pick up a few things and I saw men buying flowers and candy and balloons, so difficult to see. When my love has been taken from me, we didn’t go crazy but we made it special for each other. I made him a heart shaped cake every year since 1975, that is until last year. I’m lucky that my daughter came over and we spent the evening together. Now I have the hurdle of his birthday, Feb 27. These dates should be special but instead they bring tears and angst.
    The words you’ve shared with me and others that I’ve read have been very comforting and I thank you for that.
    All I can say for now is that I’m trying every single day, I’m in a rough spot right now but I’m making the effort.
    Thanks again and Peace be with you as well.
     
    Bogman and glego like this.
  9. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member

    Thank you as well RLC. I understand how hard it is to see others so happy at certain times we so loved in times gone by. Valentine's day to me use to be one of my most favorite times of year. I would look forward to those special cards, those sweet candies we would share, those tender times we spent together.

    When I was an elementary child I can remember the huge fun I had, making out Valentines to everyone, especially those who I really thought were special. My teacher was internally a beautiful person who taught us to share, to care for one another, and you can't help but bring that forward in life as you grow.

    But the most important time I will never forget is giving a gift to another or getting one from a secret admirer. As I grew and bought special gifts for my wife, and gave things to my children you could not help but feel so extremely happy on that day.

    Fast forward to your love is no longer with you, your father is told on Valentines day he has a week to live, and gives in and passes away two days later. The day you cherished so strongly is no longer a special one. It takes a long-long time to recover from bad memories. You can share them, but only you have lived them.

    However, as I said in my first post, I am at the point in my life of finally being able to face so much more that I could in my past. As I faced death after death, no matter the relationship I questioned so many things in life and no longer could face going to gravesites. There were just too many bad memories there, in that regard unfortunately we all have those type of memories.

    Well I am here today to tell you, I will no longer be my own best enemy. I will stand into the wind, face the reality and move beyond the pain of life. It isn't easy but as I have said in other posts in the past - Life is too important to give up, we have so much living still to do.

    Even though we all don't share the same beliefs or religion or not, our common ground is for those we leave behind in life. We as a group just need to share our strengths with one another and offer words or hope, even when it seems extremely hard to do.

    I want you all to take care of yourself. Never give in to despair and when you are lonely or need help, reach out - Like Demi Lovato sings 'I need someone.'
    There will be times I will talk to you through others who evoke feelings so well with their music.

    Take care everyone! david

    This song is for us all, sometimes we just need to listen and dance;

     
    Bogman likes this.
  10. Bogman

    Bogman Well-Known Member

    I married my wife 2 months after my 20th birthday and she died died a week before our 41st anniversary which also would have been 12/16, yes I can relate to your emotions in your post !! I've never lived on my own, I went straight from my parents house to married life, I'm now trying to figure out who I am ?? It's a difficult time to learn while surrounded by grief, I believe it will turn out ok but it does send you for a loop, hoping you can be the girl who loves to dance once again !! Dan
     
    ainie likes this.
  11. Bogman

    Bogman Well-Known Member

    David Hughes has a future in DJ'ing, I'm having my morning coffee and listening to the Charlie Puth you posted, wasn't long ago my sweetheart came home excited about hearing a song by this guy names Charlie Puth, I guess it's a side of tears with the morning coffee today :)
     
  12. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    That’s how it was for me as well, never lived alone, went from my parents house to married life, and Ron too. I was 19 and Ron 21. 41 years of beautiful married life and now alone for the first time. It feels so lonely and scary. I miss him more with each passing day. But I’m making the effort even though it’s so hard. I know Ron wants me too as I would him if things were the opposite and he was here missing me. Just so darn hard when we had such a loving beautiful life together. As I know everyone on here had as well and miss that wonderful life. Life as a couple.
     
    Bogman likes this.
  13. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member

    During my college years I took a class of music appreciation. I remember at the time, I was so into rock music and would shrug over classical pieces. It was until later in my life after accruing over 3,000 albums and the death of my wife that for some reason music with no words would grasp me in such a profound way. I searched and searched for violin covers of so many songs.

    What I realized was that even though I had so much other music ingrained in me, covering so many fields, that my love for music showed no boundaries. I couldn't get enough of what was free to us all on YOUTUBE.com. I suppose that music appreciation course would seem so different to me today. Artists give their heart and souls to their music, to help us through life, good or bad.

    I think of all the music I have heard, all the emotions it evoked in my life and I am amazed that our world is chock full of so many talented people. They are special, their music is a gift to us all, and we should learn to enjoy it for what it may be to us. Each day as we all listen to music, we may smile, we may remember a lost memory, or cry for no other reason that the music makes us feel sad. We as a people need that, we are frail, and capable of so much.

    If only all the hate in the world could be washed away with music. I have faith in us all, even if you might seem troubled.

    Bogman, you take the time to heal. We are all under the cloud of grief. Take time to heal, take time to open up.

    Peace be with you

    david
     
    Bogman likes this.