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Loss of Husband - Going on Year Two

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by Kathy C, Aug 17, 2017.

  1. Kathy C

    Kathy C New Member

    Hi, I'm new to this but I really need to get with others who might understand how I am feeling. We were married 47 years, best friends. I still miss him as if it happened yesterday. My issue is I have returned to "normal" life and keep a smile on my face for family and friends, but I am still dying inside. I know life goes on and I understand that. What I don't understand is how my sister can tell me that I need to adjust and pull my big girl panties up. I am so hurt by her comment and actions. It is as if I have lost her too. Her idea and my idea of family are different. We lead different life styles. However I have always been there for her and I guess I expected the same treatment. Instead she has told me that if I need something, call her, but she won't make the effort because she doesn't believe in being a "pest". Thank God for wonderful friends who have filled in for family. I am not sure I would have made it this far without them. I am just hurt that my own sister cannot be more understanding. Am I way off base?
     
    Kathey and Elaine8 like this.
  2. Sandra Ozio

    Sandra Ozio New Member

    No, i know where your coming from. My friends think I need to move on and put my husband in the past. I feel all alone. He was my best friend and we were married 17 years. He's Been gone eighteen months.
     
    Elaine8 likes this.
  3. Elaine8

    Elaine8 New Member

    No, I don't think you're off base. I thank God for friends. My husband and best friend for 40 years passed 14 mos ago. My brother and sister-in-law live 1-1/2 miles away and I see them less now than I did before he passed. I'm grateful that friends have stepped in and have helped me through this. I wonder if some people avoid those grieving because they don't want to think of anything so horrible happening to them or maybe they just don't know what to say. I am hurt and disappointed in my brother and sister-in-law too, but so blessed with good friends.
    This is a pain that only those that have experienced it can understand.
     
    Celeste3 likes this.
  4. Elaine8

    Elaine8 New Member

    Hard to put someone in the past that you've shared your life with for 17 years. Everything you do reminds you of him. I know I find comfort in knowing others have survived this. We will too eventually, in our own time, but life will never be the same. Praying for comfort and strength. You are not alone!
     
  5. Alyoops

    Alyoops New Member

    You are not off-base at all. Tell your sister to stuff it .... it’s not her pain. My husband died suddenly 2 1/2 years ago, but family for either of us was never there unless they wanted us for something. Only if we could benefit them. Don’t let anyone tell you how to feel ever. If they love you they will understand. If they don’t understand, they can’t help you, and you don’t need them
     
    wilskis likes this.
  6. wilskis

    wilskis New Member

    I am now on year two, as well. The "second" Christmas without my beloved husband. It's still surreal. I wanted to get through the year of "firsts", believing that once all of those firsts were over with, it would be easier. Yeah...no. I believe it's just more difficult. Knew one another 37 years, married 35 1/2 years, and to think I was only 20 years old when we met. I'm about to turn 59...my entire adult life has been spent loving and growing together as "one", creating life with our daughter and to witness the continuation of life through our two grandsons. How they miss their Pappy! I have a strong faith in God, and we witnessed daily miracles during the course of my husband's illness. Holidays just suck. Praying that passes in time. When you marry, you become "One". When ONE of you leaves this earth, tell me please, what exactly is left. A half of a person? I am usually the most upbeat, happy, full of life and joyous person you would ever meet. I'm right now still trying to figure out who I am, without "Us", just me. I believe this will take time and I seem to have all the time in the world. Of course, get little accomplished because my heart and mind are in a zillion different directions. The initial "fog" has lifted....and now facing the clarity and reality of living life on my own.
     
  7. wilskis

    wilskis New Member

    Oh Kathy C...I am so sorry. But you know, I WOULD pull up my big girl panties and give her a great big kick in HER big girl panties! That was so hurtful and coming from someone who hasn't walked the widow grief walk. Surround yourself with friends and people who love you for who you are and are walking along side of you in the grief journey. Toxic is not ever needed, especially at such a time as this.
     
  8. Peter Anthony

    Peter Anthony New Member

    I find myself in a position I never thought possible. I am a priest and a monk and a co-founder of a monastic religious group called The Joyful Servants of the Cross (google it :) My loss is my co-founder Br. Paul Andre, JSC, RN - age 72, who was not only my best friend, but my true "monastic brother and son" (we follow the Rule of St. Benedict). It is a month today of his tragic/glorious transition to the "eternal" state, that every human must go through - with the separation of soul from the body, to begin to exist in a dimension that as a Catholic I believe will be fulfilled one day when The Redeemer comes again like he promised he would - and our bodies will once again be joined to our souls and we will live forever the life we have already been judged on when we passed - one who will move then to the Kingdom and those who won't. What is amazing me, is that after counseling people for 42 years as a priest on the grief process - this is the first time I can rightfully say I am going through it will my full faculties and emotions: I am hoping I can get some kind of peer back-and-forth - at least with those are willing to try to help me as I am so willing to continue to pass my knowledge and experience with you.

    The stage of grief that I have now - which only those in this group can understand is the human and physical reaction of beginning to weep and sob and cry almost all the time now - even though I know Br. Paul is very much with me in the supernatural dimension / he is not here in the physical and it is now beginning to sink in. In just 5 months this fall/winter his heart failure deteriorated drastically because his attending cardiologist read the signs wrong and treated him cruelly and unprofessionally for months, and then when he was sent to the Heart Institute that could do the most good - it was three months too late - and though he had a very peaceful passing - it still could have been avoided and put off for several years.

    My relationship with friends who just do not get where I am - is frustrating - and so I come to you kind folks.
    Let's chat, let's share - let's let the LIGHT and HOPE of our EXPERIENCE shine for EACH OTHER!!!
    Blessings and peace to you!
    Fr. Peter Anthony, JSC
     
    Beth2018 likes this.
  9. Maddy

    Maddy Member

     
  10. Maddy

    Maddy Member

    Hello Fr. Anthony,
    I too believe in the separation of body and soul. That we are missing the physical forms of our loved ones is agonizing. Sometimes I think my intense yearning, which leaves me in profound despair, is more of a pity party. I want what I had back, plain and simple.
    The sudden loss of my husband on 1/21/31 is more than I can bear. But I try to focus of how good God is, how he gave me 44 years with an amazing, perfect husband, and how merciful God was to have take him quickly, with no pain or long term neuroligical (or any other) deficits to endure. I’m thankful that my financial situation is stable, and that my health is good. I remind myself that “pain is part of growing’ , that “everything in life is temporary”, and that the best thing any of us can do is keep going. Thank you for you spiritual reminder of the afterlife. I hope you find more peace soon.
     
  11. Peter Anthony

    Peter Anthony New Member

    Thank you so much - it will be just 60 days next week. - and time is healing some things already - but just when I think i am in the clear of some heavier moments of association and memories - it consumes me for a while - and you are right - these things pass in a matter of hours - into another exciting adventure of life - This is now Holy Week - and I am trying to focus now on Jesus - and how he went through all the outlandish torture and death that he went through - and I am now thinking about his Mother, Mary, how she must have suffered so terribly just watching him being beaten beyond recognition then made to carry his own instrument to the place of execution! wow! I can really identity now with that more than ever! But, Jesus DID die and thereby CONQUERED DEATH - for the dying person now it is an easy separation from the body - for a while! This give me comfort! I hope that you are at the stage of being with your husband just like before - only different - talk to him, ask his advice, ask him to help you find things - etc etc etc - I do this - and it works all the time! Blessings of Peace and Hope
     
    Beth2018 likes this.
  12. Maddy

    Maddy Member

     
  13. Maddy

    Maddy Member

    I’m going to try to do more of what you suggest. I have been talking to my amazing husband, but repeatedly telling him how much I love him, how I miss him (still just 2 months since a sudden, intracranial bleed took him in 12 short hours), how he is the love of my life, leaves me sobbing.

    But I’m going to try harder to be WITH my husband. I do miss his physical form just as you do Bro. Paul Andre. Your frustration at what may have been an unnecessary, untimely passing of Bro Paul Andre is unnerving. A tough one to reconcile. And reliving the final hours, or in your case, the final days, makes this earlier time of grieving so awful, so painful. Thank God both of our loved ones passed peacefully.

    And watching the Passion of the Christ recently left me sleepless. I can’t imagine mother Mary’s pain.




    Much
     
  14. Kathey

    Kathey New Member

    By no means are you off base :) I just signed up because I can relate to how you feel . I lost my other half of 13 years together to a heart attack at 45 year and a half ago.
    My best friend of 30 years just slowly turned her back on me right after the funeral. Even leaving me alone the night he passed.
    I confronted her and asked her why? Her response was “This makes me so sad and depressed.” Ya think!?!?
    I have so many emotions on the inside but to others . “Oh I am ok “ and put that smile on but all your really thinking is , Is this going to get better ? Everything reminds me of him from smells , clothes , sounds , tv, movies , music . Some days I am ok others , nope I’m not.
    Then just 6 months ago , my father died and it wasn’t even a year my man died.
    So, it’s been hell this last year.
     
    Beth2018 likes this.
  15. Maddy

    Maddy Member

     
  16. Maddy

    Maddy Member

    So sorry for both your losses. I will be seeking some sort of group bereavement program as I have found that speaking with others who have suffered similar loss can be inspiring. I also find that although I may sob several times a day, it does help to let it out. I also know, hard as it is, the best thing we can do it to just keep going. Find other (worthy) friends who can make you laugh and who are sensitive to your pain. I’ll be thinking of you.