It's coming up on two years since I've lost my grandma. I'm still struggling to accept it and find happiness. My grandma lived a long, full life almost making it to her 95th birthday. I am extremely thankful I had her for so long but she was my best friend. I feel such a void. I miss her calls of support and love. It's hard to talk to others about it because they assume I'm over it and I should be fine by now. I'm very grateful I was with her until the end but I also saw the worst. I was mad at my brother for not visiting her when she was really going downhill but at the same time, I'm a bit jealous that he didn't have to see her like that. The visuals of seeing her go so down-hill mentally and physically haunts me. I try to remember the good times but I spiral into my own panicked heartbreaking thoughts of just seeing her in pain and her being unable to move or talk and just not looking like herself. I have saved voicemails from her that I just haven't had the courage to listen to or delete but I desperately miss her voice. Not sure when the right time is or if I even should listen to them. I just feel alone in all of this.