Loss after three decade relationship.

Hi.
So, this is my first entry here. Not sure how I want to share. I'll try.
I was married for almost 30 ears to a special woman. We had a connection that was special to each of us.
In April 2021 my wife became sick. We weren't sure at first what was going on. She ended up going into the hospital. She spent the next three months there. I stayed with her for 5 days every week in the hospital room. 24 hours a day. We lived 3 1/2 hours from the hospital. I made that trip every week.
My wife was not getting better as time went on. in June 2021 after repeated attempts by the doctors to figure out and try to solve the issue, the love of my life passed away. I was with her in the hospital room when she passed. (It was not Covid related.)

It is now six weeks later. The house is quiet. There isn't the activity of a marriage.
The hardest thing for me to deal with is she is not here to talk with. She is not here to do things with. She is simply not in the house. We talked about all kinds of things. We did all kinds things together. There was a specialness in the bond we had. These are now gone.

After nearly three decades of the best years of my life, I lost the love of my life. It is hard to understand what happened. It is harder to understand why.
I spend nights sitting awake trying to understand all of this. Maybe someday I will.

oneman

 

oneman, your story about your wife
is heartbreaking, & so recent. Your
grief is raw. I can relate. My wife &
soulmate of 25 years, Linda, died
suddenly in front of me, at 68, while
doing physical therapy for cancer, in
a rehab./ nursing home. I suffered
PTSD, bc I couldn't get that last image
of Linda out of my head. All I did was
cry, seeing couples holding hands, or
listening to songs we shared. Talking
with a grief counselor/ therapist weekly
helped. She suggested Grief in Common.
Welcome. Two widows email with me
everyday and it helps. After 2 and a half
years, I'm building a network of friends.
I feel better when I walk outside, but I've
been crying every morning. I try to keep to a regular sleep schedule, bed at 9:30pm,
arise at 5:30am, to try to enjoy the summer
days. Good to meet you. Lou

 

Very sorry for your loss. My wife and I were together 30 years and married 28. I just lost her on July 14 and I am completely devastated and just feel numb. I'm glad you are at least able to sort out some of your thoughts and feelings at this point.

I hope I get there someday.

 

Thank you for replying right away.
Have you considered seeing a grief
counselor. My therapist listened to my
pain. When the weeping lessened, she
gave me helpful coping skills & videos
to watch on You Tube. When you can,
I suggest the book, The Widower's
Notebook, a memoir, by Jonathan
Santlofer. He's a little older than we are.
His wife died suddenly in front of him,
after 40 years of marriage. I keep the
book by my bed,& reread chapters. He
actually has some funny observations
later in the book. I emailed the author
to thank him. He surprised me by emailing
back 2 nights later. Lou

 

Thank you for the suggestions. I am very grateful.

I have a number for a grief counselor that was given to me by the Social Worker at the hospital where my wife passed. I don't feel ready yet because I can't talk about her or look at her picture without totally breaking into uncontrollable tears.

Until then I will get myself a copy of that book. It sounds like it would be very helpful.

 

Jim, you are right to grieve for your
wife at your own pace. A word of
caution about Jonathan's deeply
moving story. When I read the 1st page,
I wept & had to put it down. It was too
close to home. A few days later, I tried
again, from the beginning, while
drinking coffee. Another thing I learned
the hard way, one year after Linda's
death, is that I was drinking more, not
sleeping, and my immune system was
weakened. I got the flu twice. My kind
psychiatric nurse practioner/ grief
counselor asked if I would try to stop
drinking. I did, & feel better physically.
Now, I can work on the "ocean waves"
of grief. Lou

 

The day my wife passed, she was in intensive care. I sat there unable to understand how things got to that point. A lot of tears were shed by me. All I could do was whisper in her ear 'I love you'.

When I was working (semi-retired now) I was in the healthcare business for 20 years. Ten of those years I worked in hospice. I felt like I was on the the outside of those situations. Then my wife became sick. I was on the inside of the situation. Confronted with the possibility of losing the one person that was important to me. When she passed I was there in the place so many of my clients were. Even after all the experiences in the hospice work, I found this moment very difficult.
Nothing prepares a person for this.

I live in a small town. It is my wife's home town. (I am from a large city.) I have received a lot of support from the community. The support has helped. The difficulty of losing my wife hasn't lessened. I try to face each day the best I can. Some days I can face things. Other days I want to be left alone.

I once heard the grief never really goes away. I am hoping that someday I can be able to deal with the grief in a way that is okay. And not so difficult.

To each who has replied here, thank you. It helps to know each of us is not alone in this moment.

 

Jim, sorry I didn't reply to your post from
your grieving heart. I went to dinner at
my local bar.It's relatively low maintenance here tonight. I find it
scary with crowds,and we wade into
the ocean.There was a time I couldn't
be alone, & went out to dinner every
night. I've learned to keep a balance.

 

I can relate to that as well. My husband passed in hospice. After a marriage of 49 years as you say, it came down to this. I believe I went into a time warp of shock existence. It was 3 weeks yesterday. I look around our home and it reminds me of our existence together. I know on a rational front he is no longer in pain from the afflictions on earth and spiritually as well, however, the feeling of loss is still strong with him being gone. I am starting grief counseling next week. I pray that will be a start of healing for me. He would want me to find some joy again in life but getting there is the hard part. My heart goes out to you and I am here if you would like to chat.

 

I was just about to check in with you and
Jim (oneman), and was so pleased that you
talk with him, Karen ( cjpines), and me.
Before COVIF, I was going to join a loss of
spouse grief group, led by a woman from
a hospice. After COVID hit, I was offered
ZOOM, but declined. When Linda became
ill, she told me she wanted me to be
"happy" if anything happened to her. She
shocked me by saying she didn't want me
to live alone, and to find another woman.
I like to go out, but sometimes I need the
quiet of my apartment, to recharge and
rest. I have mixed emotions about being
with another woman, bc no woman can
REPLACE Linda. But, I long for someone
to laugh with, walk in nature's beauty, and
hug me like Linda did.

 

A very special lady, your Linda. Thinking of you. Companionship I miss. I know my honeybear would want that for me. I have friends that have that after several years. Perhaps one day for me. It will be awhile for any thoughts on that.

 

Thank you. Both of our spouses were
special. You and I feel the same way about
a new relationship. Since Linda's death,
I feel God's presence especially when I
look at the changing tides of the ocean
everyday. I never get tired of it. Recently,
I had a health scare, & had to go to the
ER in the middle of night. I was scared
and prayed to God that I may live. It's
amazing, bc at one time, I wanted to die.

 

The grief and sadness can take you there. Are you ok? You are a very kind and soulful man. I am sure just the awareness of another’s loss was being in the right place at the right time.

 

Thank you for asking about my health.
I'm OK now, and regularly see my nurse
practioner for check ups. Meanwhile, I'm
careful crossing the street, bc life can be
snatched in an instant. You are a kind &
soulful woman yourself. I learned 2 main
things in our counselor led groups in the
psychiatric unit: At every 9am meeting,
the counselor asked each of us, 1st, "How did you sleep last night?, and 2nd, "What
are your goals upon discharge"? All of us
said "to help other people". I think that
may be my purpose in life, and I think it's
yours, too.

 

It is hard to understand how something so wonderful, so beautiful, is suddenly not there. I have been going through stuff throughout the house. Today I found a stack of cards (birthdays, Christmas, etc.). I looked at every one of those cards. The thoughts, the feelings, expressed brought back memories. On one hand it was comforting to read and think about. On the other hand, it was very hard to go through those cards.
How can something so amazing not be there anymore?

One time, many many years ago, my wife asked me if this relationship were to end (she didn't say how) if I would ever remarry or at least have another relationship. We talked a bit about this. I said she would be the last. I told her I would not look for another marriage. I explained to my wife that she was the love of my life. She never said that if she wasn't around that I could look for another relationship. I don't know if someone will come along or not. For now she is the only one for me.

I have been through a lot in my life. Each moment was different and I got through them. This moment, the loss of the woman I love, is very different from any else I've experienced. Yes, there is a certain amount of shock. She passed. She's not here. I find it so very different now. Words are not able to explain what I feel.

It is a moment that I never would have expected. I thought we would have another three decades. I pray for the strength to get through days like this.

 

Jim, I'm here anytime you need to talk.
Some of my well meaning friends want
me to be with another woman. I do not
want to get married again. I value the
silence of my apartment, and my
freedom to walk outside everyday.
But, if a woman came into my
seaside tourist town, & had her own place,
I can't say never to the possibility of
walking with a woman by the ocean,
sharing a meal, maybe a laugh, but I
would never hide the fact that I'm a
widower. I would not promise
marriage. Some men want to be alone
after their wives die. I can't say that for
sure. I've become more spiritual since
Linda's death. I feel the presence of God
when I see the profound changes of tides,
from calm to stormy. I'm like that, too,
which is why I chose Van Gogh as my
user name. May I ask what your wife's
name was? It helps me to say Linda's
name to people who didn't know her. It
keeps her spirit alive. Lately, I've even
quoted her funny phrases. It broke my
heart at first. Please keep writing. Lou

 

I, too, won't completely close the possibility of another relationship. But It is hard to think about that at this time.
Her name is Mary.
Where I live everyone knows everyone. Mary was a prominent person in this community. She was well liked. It was a shock to this community when she passed.

And she will be missed.

 

I believe so. We have so little time on earth and helping others with my remainder of time is important to me. My husband although disabled lived life and people. Today, one of his disabled buddies from the VA came by and took his motorized wheelchair and his lift chair. Another disabled veteran needs his bed and couch. I am so happy to see other vets in need get my husbands equipment. I am packing again today. My goodness. I have the storage building, back room and attic. Just alot. Think I will buy and move in as I go. I am so glad you are doing ok physically. At our age, creaky knees, bad backs and hips tend to give out.

 

Soon after I moved to this small town,
I saw a sign for an open house coffee at
the American Legion. I nervously
walked in, bc I'm not a vet. I pulled up
a chair next to a 90 year old Korean
War vet. When I told him I wasn't in the
service, he told me to get a coffee, & sit
down. I listened to his stories, incl. the
fact that his wife of many years had
dementia, and died. We formed a bond,
and other veterans welcomed me even
though I was the only non-veteran to
show up