My boyfriend collapsed on March 21 2020 after having what we thought was a migraine. It was a brain aneurysm. We spent three days in the ICU waiting for him to stop breathing on his own. He was 33 and I didn't know I could love anyone so much. Being with him was so good and so easy we often joked about it being too good to be true. I guess it was. He was my whole world. We were both cynical pragmatists and generally found other people extremely draining. He was the first person in my life that I enjoyed spending time with more than being by myself. More than that I've struggled with depression since I was very young and being with him was the first time I felt I had a future I was looking forward to and it died with him. I have supportive family and friends who are sympathetic but they all still have their partners. They can curl up with them at night and say, 'thank god it didn't happen to us'. Their lives keep going and mine is in pieces. Obviously it's not their fault but it kills me. Every time I see a couple or really anyone older than him and I get so angry. Life's not fair but this feels particularly cruel. I miss him so much it feels like all the air has been sucked out of the room and I being kicked in the chest repeatedly. I am decimated by this loss. I miss him so much.
Boot-theory, Sorry for the loss of your love. Being angry with this and so much else in the world is natural. No one understands what it means to you and only you. I know when I lost my wife to cancer, I had time to prepare, but let's face it she is no longer here and my sons no longer have a mother. My sons hate the world, and blame so many for the loss of their mother. Of course they too are angry and wish she was back. I hate nights being so lonely and if someone can't even imagine what being lonely is like tell them this - go into a room, turn out the light at night, blacken the windows, make sure all the sound of anything does not filter through - and just listen, this void is your loneliness. Sure life is unfair, but we have no control over it. Having friends and family is good, but again this loss is yours and you alone. They can't know it or feel it. Take time with your thoughts, shout out as much as you need, kick those things that make you angry, throw those things, but whatever you do, please don't ever give up on yourself. I hope you will continue to reach out, continue to care for your well-being. Just know you are not alone in your sorrow, everyone here has suffered so many losses, have cried an endless ocean of tears, and will feel our loss for a lifetime. Take care. -david I hope you don't mind this song
Everything you said is describing how I am feeling. My boyfriend/fiancée of died last week, 5/2/20 on his motorcycle. We didn’t get to get married or have children yet, I am 21 he was only 20. I also have struggled with depression/anxiety since a child. I also never had any father/male figure, and he was my saving grace. I finally felt like I had something to look forward to, I life we planned together. But we never got it, and we never will. I have a good family but they all get to cuddle up with their boyfriends/husbands at night. It’s only been over a week and everyone’s life is already moving on, and I’m stuck. Stuck here alone, missing everything about him. I wake up and think he’s going to be next to me, and it feels like a nightmare. I hope that it makes you feel slightly better to know that you are not alone. There is nothing greater than the pain we feel. I am here.
I can relate to this so much, it's as if someone is standing on your chest and your unable to even take one full breath in. I always thought I was so strong, like I was a fort Knox of strength..when I love my boyfriend it crushed me. Nothing will replace him and sometimes I struggle to even peel myself out of bed. Hang in there, only those who know loss know there are no good enough words to make it any better. With that being said your not alone.
