By far this has been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to endure or go through my entire life. Seeing my father lifeless is one thing, but to know that he’s never coming back just hurts so bad and so hard. Especially during this time, not being able to have a proper funeral and burial just made the process even worse. On April 10, 2020 I lost my father suddenly to suicide. Never did I imagine or feel like that was something I would endure or go through.. I didn’t know the depths of my father’s mental state because he was never one to talk about his problems or issue.. but now I know.. In the first moments/days of his loss I was so angry and frustrated because I felt he left me and abandoned me. I was more so mad at him for allowing me to find him dead. It was a point of time where I just hated him, simply because I felt that he was selfish and didn’t think about the fact that he was leaving me and my family behind. Boy does the emotions come in wave, I’m always up and down.. I’ll think about him for a moment then my whole world is just full of a pool of tears. I’m even more so shameful of how he did it. Because my father isn’t one to do things like that so I thought, but that’s what he did. I wish I could just bring him back because I have so many unanswered questions that will never get answers to. My heart hurts for him, bad and I miss him like crazy.