Losing my father to suicide

Discussion in 'Suicide Loss' started by Klipstickk, May 5, 2020.

  1. Klipstickk

    Klipstickk Member

    By far this has been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to endure or go through my entire life. Seeing my father lifeless is one thing, but to know that he’s never coming back just hurts so bad and so hard. Especially during this time, not being able to have a proper funeral and burial just made the process even worse. On April 10, 2020 I lost my father suddenly to suicide. Never did I imagine or feel like that was something I would endure or go through.. I didn’t know the depths of my father’s mental state because he was never one to talk about his problems or issue.. but now I know.. In the first moments/days of his loss I was so angry and frustrated because I felt he left me and abandoned me. I was more so mad at him for allowing me to find him dead. It was a point of time where I just hated him, simply because I felt that he was selfish and didn’t think about the fact that he was leaving me and my family behind. Boy does the emotions come in wave, I’m always up and down.. I’ll think about him for a moment then my whole world is just full of a pool of tears. I’m even more so shameful of how he did it. Because my father isn’t one to do things like that so I thought, but that’s what he did. I wish I could just bring him back because I have so many unanswered questions that will never get answers to. My heart hurts for him, bad and I miss him like crazy.
     
  2. K4A6

    K4A6 Member

    I so understand the feelings of having so many unanswered questions and the feeling of shame. This was very unlike anything we would have even expected. My father would never want to hurt anyone in my family in anyway, so we are trying so hard to remind ourselves it was some medical malfunction because he would not choose this in his right state of mind. Though that does not take away the loss, broken pieces of our heart or sadness it takes away anger I could feel for him. Keep in touch, we are both struggling with a similar trauma and loss unfortunately. Take care and take it day by day. I find myself not wanting to look forward to future things that he was normally a part of :(
     
  3. Klipstickk

    Klipstickk Member

    I definitely agree with the medical malfunction! My father was 49 years old at the time, once he was diagnosed with his mental illness he was told to seek help and therapy/psychiatric. Of course they prescribe him with medicine for anxiety and depression and I truly and honestly believe that the medication he took played a part of his passing.. which could have altered his state of mind.
     
  4. Klipstickk

    Klipstickk Member

    I definitely agree with the medical malfunction! My father was 49 years old at the time, once he was diagnosed with his mental illness he was told to seek help and therapy/psychiatric. Of course they prescribe him with medicine for anxiety and depression and I truly and honestly believe that the medication he took played a part of his passing.. which could have altered his state of mind.