Losing both parents only 7 weeks apart

Discussion in 'Loss of Both Parents' started by Butterflies, Jun 16, 2018.

  1. Proudaughter

    Proudaughter Member

    Ouch, I completely understand 100%. My father who was in his last stages of Alzheimer’s passed just weeks after my mother. She passed on 8/25/19. He witnessed moms passing and was silent after. He just gave up. He stopped eating and wasn’t responsive for 5 days. I was losing my mind at this point. Hospice came immediately after I called and told them that I was losing my mind watching him like this. He passed that night.

    You are not alone. I feel your pain. And yes 2019 was the most hellacious year of my life. And continues.
  2. cg123

    cg123 Well-Known Member

    Yes, you have certainly been through a lot. To keep going you just try to take one day at a time - some days will be worse than others. I try not to listen to what other people say. Stay strong!
  3. ncmountainboy

    ncmountainboy New Member

    I’m not really sure what to write. I’m in a similar boat... 7 weeks and 4 days apart.

    Both of my parents started having more severe health problems over the past 7 years. My Dad had several heart conditions, and a few severe bouts with pneumonia. My Mom, bless her, she had a heart attack and some coronary issues as well as diabetes - which she unfortunately didn’t keep in check.

    Both of their health issues snowballed around 3 years ago (03-2017) and it started with my Dad suddenly losing the use of his legs (no medical explanation was ever found or provided for why this happened). After this happened, Dad couldn’t stay at home any longer (due to this, other health issues, and his weight) and he had to be put into a skilled nursing facility. My Mom, due to a minor psychological break caused by her unmanaged diabetes, was a pure wreck. She was hospitalized the next week due to an unknown health issue. She was later diagnosed with CAD and end-stage renal failure. Because of her various health issues, she was not a candidate for kidney transplant. Mom, being stubborn and as independent as she could be, ended up in an assisted living facility within a few months by her own choice.

    My Dad slowly dwindled down from the man I always knew and loved - my best friend in this life, my hero - to a very shriveled, miserable shell of his former self. In the last year of his life, he started to develop a kind of dementia - forgetting who visited, names of people outside the family, simple things.

    My Mom, she stayed pretty healthy - as much as she could. Her major issue over the last 2.5 years was she hated dialysis (three times weekly) and would skip it here and there. Her decline was gradual, but it was a hard, steep decline in the last three months we had her. Soon after initially being diagnosed, she started to develop a form of dementia. She would forget (more often than normal) when she had eaten, if she had taken her medicine, things like that. In her final months, her dementia went to an unreal level that I had always feared I would see. She started hallucinating and became increasingly paranoid and so very easily agitated - even getting angry at me explaining that she was using the wrong words for things sometimes.

    it was so hard to see them both start to go. I told my wife in June of 2019, I knew my parents would not see Christmas. She thought I was being overly morbid and tried to encourage me - I was just being realistic.

    In July 2019, Momma started openly talking about being ready to go. She was tired of dialysis, she was tired of the pain - the second most heart wrenching conversation I know she had was with one of my brothers when she turned to him in a super clear moment and said, “I’m not going to get any better, am I?” “No, Momma, there’s nothing they can do in the long run...”. In August, Momma decided she was done, she was ready for nature to run its course, she was ready to meet Jesus on Heaven’s shore. We were told by doctors it would be an optimistic two weeks. The most eye opening moment that this was really happening was when I was at her bedside talking to her while she was writhing in pain from the poison in her blood, to have her turn to me, look me in the eye and say, “Honey, I’m dying.” She was gone in four days after she stopped treatments, died the day we were to do the hospice paperwork - 08/19/2019 (63 years old).

    by this time, both of my parents were in the same room at the same facility - my Dad was the one who discovered she had passed.

    My Daddy went on a deep decline after Momma passed. They put him on hospice care within a week and then took him out of it. But within two months, he had been rediagnosed with congestive heart failure - he decided he was done, he was ready to go home to Momma to see her and the Lord. The doctors said without treatment, it would be quick, but no idea how quick. I signed the paperwork authorizing hospice care the day I talked with the doctors - it was the day he passed - 10/11/2019 (65 years old).

    Here it’s been six months for Momma and four months for Daddy... and it still feels so fresh and painful. Angry, sad, depressed, alone (even with my wife and daughter with me), angry... it just doesn’t seem right, still. It still hurts so badly when my wife talks about showing her Mom or Dad something new our daughter is doing (less than a year old), I think that I’ll do the same - only to painfully remember that I have neither one now to share in these moments. Joy flips to depression. And here, on top of it all, I still fight with the idea that I am somehow complicit in their deaths because I did not force medical interventions - perhaps that’s true.

    Most of the time when I am alone I spend thinking of them. I can’t sleep some nights (like tonight) because when I close my eyes I see them and I can’t stop crying.

    I just had to find someplace to share what is going on inside. I really just, I don’t know...
  4. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member

    Ncmountainboy, first I am very sorry for the loss of your parents. When those that have raised and guided us in life start to get sicker as each day passes, it is very hard to face.

    You did the best you could for both of your parents and I can see how hard it must have been for each event that happened to them. None of us want to see our parents get weaker and pass away but life has a way of reckoning with each of us.

    Ncmountainboy, you did the best anyone could have done for both of your parents. I was in college when my dad told me the doctor had told him he had a week to live. He had kept his lung cancer to himself.

    He asked me to take care of mom and of course I did, so the next day after coming back from dialysis for mom, dad was on the phone. I heard him making his funeral arrangements and then he said his will was all done as well. The next day dad gave in to his pain and passed away.

    Each day I took mom to her dialysis, she would really enjoy all the talks she had with the other people hooked up to the machines. Mom had a stint in her neck area for dialysis to lessen the connection each day. She also had 20 cats (scary I know), and they were taken care of, fed and eventually brought to the humane society.

    She was ok for about 3 months and then she had to be moved to a hospice (elderly hospital). My older brother took it from there, and we had her with us for two more months. We had mom with us for two more months. We got to have lots of talks till she passed.

    Of course, losing both of our parents is so very hard to deal with. Each chance you have to think back, do it, look at any pictures and videos they had of your family. Don’t be afraid to think of them, for all you are doing is remembering those that you loved so much.

    You have dealt with their failing health for a long time. Now give yourself a chance to recover from the cloud of grief that will now follow you in life. I still have days where I dwell on those I have lost in life, tears come and go, but I am ok with that so should you be as well.

    When parents or loved ones start to forget (dementia) who we and others are is one of the hardest things we face as a loved one. My own grandmother as her health faced one day no longer knew who I and grandfather was even as we stood in front of her. It is painful to endure mentally.

    Please don’t ever blame yourself for the loss of your parents. You did the best you could under the circumstances you were faced with. Sometimes in life choices are not fair, but all you can do is take faith in yourself and let your heart be your guide.

    It will take time for you to heal. When in doubt ask for help, and keep your family close. Don’t be afraid to cry, it is normal and understandable. Just reach out to others, and above all else share with anyone, us here at this site any thoughts you might have.

    Take your time slowly. Don’t be afraid to take those steps into the unknown, and remember that there is no time limit to your sorrow. We are all different and react in our own special way.

    I hope you will come to discover peace of mind. Take care of yourself.


    Here is a song for you

    cg123 likes this.
  5. Proudaughter

    Proudaughter Member

  6. Proudaughter

    Proudaughter Member

    Gosh darn it, I’m so sorry for your loss and pain. I was up lastnight crying at 3:Am also. My parents house sold yesterday and I had so many mixed emotions. When I’m missing them I tend to clean to keep my mind from going into a state of absolute despair and break down. As I got into bed around 11:30, my husband was mad at me for coming to bed so late. Then my mind and heart where connected. I started crying.
  7. Proudaughter

    Proudaughter Member