Losing both parents only 7 weeks apart

Discussion in 'Loss of Both Parents' started by Butterflies, Jun 16, 2018.

  1. Butterflies

    Butterflies New Member

    I have been trying to be resilient to cope but I think every human being only has a certain capacity for loss and suffering. I lost both my parents in the summer of 2016 within 7 weeks apart…

    My dad was diagnosed with Idiopathic pulmonary fibrosis in December 2014. A disease that has no cure. He was given an option for a lung transplant but the odds were very low and he did not want to go through the suffering and pain of it therefore my mom and I respected his decision. Doctors gave him 1-3 years to live. 9 months later, August 2015 my mom was diagnosed with Vulvar Cancer. A rare gynecological cancer that we had never even heard of until she was diagnosed. Upon her diagnosis we were given a good chance of survival since she was diagnosed in the early stages of the Cancer.
    Due to an existing Kidney condition, her treatments were modified. Although I had no medical background but doctor’s decisions constantly raised questions for me. She was in pain since day one and their only solution was more and more pain medications. 6 months into her illness we were told that there wasn’t much they could do anymore and that she had 2-5 months left to live.
    For the second time in the course of one year I was told that both my parents are going to die. I am an only child and a girl who was extremely close to her parents, especially my mom. I took a leave from my job to be by her side and take care of them. I watched my mom suffer for four months. I was there 24/7 watched her deteriorate in front of my eyes. I heard her screams of pain and suffering. I watched her lose control of her bladder and bowels. She couldn’t eat, she couldn't drink and she was in constant pain… she was only 67…
    Based on her wish I didn’t want her to suffer anymore and she was put on hospice… One week later she took her last breath in my arms.
    Five weeks later my dad was admitted to the hospital due to lack of sufficient oxygen and leg edema. He was connected to tens of oxygen and breathing machines… He wasn’t in pain but he could no longer breathe normally and his mobility became zero. He had to be hooked up to breathing machines 24/7 and that was when he asked me to let him go in peace. From the moment he was transitioned into comfort care until the moment he passed away, there were only 8-9 hours. I sat by the hospital bed and watched him fade away… He was 69.

    Having no siblings nor any close family I had to go through everything by myself. I become a robot. I was fully functional with zero emotions. Now almost two years later, grief is overwhelming me. No one remotely understands my pain. I am becoming more and more distant to my friends because they think I should be over it by now. I see a therapist and I am living life but every single day is a struggle. Deep down there is a heart that has been shattered and I miss my family so much...

    I just joined this group, hoping to find others who may have had tragedies and to learn about their coping mechanisms and to also know I am not alone.
    Val97, Natalie T and Destinee like this.
  2. LynnVill

    LynnVill New Member

    I feel you. I came to this page, knowing atleast i could pour my heart out, it just felt so heavy.
    griefic likes this.
  3. TNLady73

    TNLady73 New Member

  4. TNLady73

    TNLady73 New Member

    I know what you are going through. I have lost both my parents also. I lost my mom on Christmas night in 2017 and my dad May 2018. I lost my mom after she had cardic arrest while at the dialysis center. I thought she was going to be ok after she came off the ventilator but then fluid was building back up. My dad had the same thing your dad did IPF he was told he would only live about 2 years they came out with medicine that was suppose to help that was very expensive but got help to get the medicine paid for back in February then he passed in May. It has so hard on me dealing with this within 5 months apart. I cry almost everynight I feel lonely. I feel like my spouse don't love me. I guess I have like mixed feelings. I sometimes just want to leave and just not be here at home anymore. Throw my hands up and be done with it all.
    Destinee likes this.
  5. Sciguy

    Sciguy Well-Known Member

    I am sorry to hear of the loss of both your parents in such a short span of time. While others may have lost both parents, no one can know exactly how you feel. I can understand how, two years later, your friends may be tired of hearing you still grieve for your parents and expect you to "be over it" by now. The thing they don't understand is that everyone grieves in their own way and in their own time. This is something you will never forget, but I hope the counseling will help you cope.
    griefic likes this.
  6. Amy Lee

    Amy Lee New Member

    Wow, so sorry to read what you have been through. There just isn't words for it. Glad I found this, makes you realize were not alone in our struggles. Life just gets so hard that its difficult to hold your head up my dad just passed in February from heart failure which I think came from chemo treatments and helping him fight lymphoma, then my uncle passed 3 days later, My mom got diagnosed with lung cancer 3 months before my dad passed....trying to care for them both alone was the hardest time of my life. Ive had hope to get my mom through her battle with small cell lung cancer..which im hoping for a miracle, but last week we found it metastasized to her adrenal gland. Chemo and surgery are out but were trying immunotherapy. I seriously just can't grasp all of this or how to go from here. Im terrified of losing her, terrified that she will be in pain and not be able to do anything about it. I live in fear every day. Im 34 years old and feel like im losing everything. My parents have been my world since i came into it. Theres just no way of describing the pain. I pray everyone here finds peace and comfort ❤
  7. Joan Frank

    Joan Frank New Member

    Hi- I am an only child also. I lost my mom September 2nd, 2018 and my father September 25th, 2018. 23 days apart. I can very much relate to your post and wonder the very same things. I feel completely and utterly broken. I have so many things in common with you it’s almost eerie. My dad was put on comfort measures only - my mom’s heart gave out after a battle with a rare form of Cancer (ureter- also never heard of until her diagnosis) she had a kidney removed so her treatments were modified as well. Please know you’re not alone at all. I know the pain you are experiencing as I too am in the same situation. I’m also a girl in her 30’s and a mom to two young children which makes this grieving process that much harder. Would love to keep in touch- I feel relieved knowing I am not alone in my situation. My email is joanrfrank@gmail.com.

    Apriltexas likes this.
  8. Apriltexas

    Apriltexas New Member

    Would love to connect with you, sent you a message.
  9. BucketofSad

    BucketofSad New Member

    I just lost both of my parents within 7 weeks of one another in March and May of this year. My dad had been ill for a while with COPD, pulmonary fibrosis and emphysema (but still independent and coping). My mother had always been healthy and they moved to a senior living complex in anticipation of my dad dying. Then my mom was suddenly diagnosed with cancer of the ureter. We flew back and forth to Houston for several months so that she could receive treatment and it just didn't work. She died 7 weeks before my dad. My twin brother and I were adopted together as infants. He killed himself 24 years ago. So it's just me. I'm lucky enough to have a solid group of friends who would do anything for me, and a wonderful husband and two adult children - though they don't live nearby. Everyone helped, but I had to clean out their apartment and close the door of their lives behind me. My parents had worked hard all their lives and saved. My dad wanted to make sure my mom was taken care of. Now I've won the worst lottery possible -- no family and money that was meant to take care of my mom. While knowing my only biological relative pretty much ruined their lives by killing himself. I'm so sad all the time. It helps just to type this out.
  10. Apriltexas

    Apriltexas New Member

    I too lost both 7 weeks apart the summer of 2016, it is devastating and takes time to process. I am so sorry for your loss!!!!
  11. Apriltexas

    Apriltexas New Member

    Oddly enough I was adopted at birth as well as my brother, I would love to connect with you as I live just outside of Houston.
  12. cg123

    cg123 Well-Known Member

    So sorry on what you have gone through in losing both your parents so close. I lost my parents many years ago and have since lost all my aunts and uncles and have never been close to any of my cousins. It was just myself and my sister left. About 2 months ago I lost my sister which devastated me. I, too, had to go through this all alone because I do not have any family. It is a terrible to feel like you are all alone in the world even though I do have some friends but it just isn't the same. I am trying to cope with my situation but it is very hard. I understand exactly what you are going through when you say your heart is broken. Hopefully, you will find some comfort in this site to help you go through the grieving process. Wishing you comfort and prayers.
  13. Goodgrief

    Goodgrief Member

    Two years later and you're still here. You haven't given up. You're in therapy. That's great work and I am glad you've found a space to seek comfort with all of us going through this. Sometimes the best comfort sometimes the only comfort is sharing space with those who really get it.
  14. Natalie T

    Natalie T New Member

    My situation is so very much like yours. I too am an only child. I lost my mom suddenly on Jan 4, 2019 and my dad exactly 6 weeks later. They would have been married 68 years 8 days after my dad died. He just lost his will to live.
    I’ve not dealt with their loss. I’ve been unable to find a true grief counselor. My extended family lives far away and my husband has terrible anxiety about death.
    On top of losing both of my parents, I lost one of my furkids in May and have to put my oldest to sleep this weekend.
    I’m so overwhelmed by grief that I have compartmentalized it to a point that the not thinking about it and not dealing with it I fear is going to start to manifest itself in very negative ways.
    I’m so sorry for your loss. It seems so stupid to say that because when people say it to me, I think it’s just something people say. But I am truly sorry because I really do feel your pain.
    I wish that we could communicate because I feel like we could be a good support system for each other.
    I’m new to this forum but I’m going to see if there is a way to message you.
    like yours.
  15. hurleygirl88

    hurleygirl88 New Member

    I lost both my parents this summer 8 weeks and 4 days apart from each other. My mom started to get sick around 2011. She found out she had a brain anarizum. She fought through that with brain surgery. Not even a year to the date of finding that out she found put she had a rare case of aggressive breast cancer. She had to go through chemo and then had her breast surgery. She fought and won. She had side effects from the chemo. She had lempyhdempa in her left arm, and neuropathy in her legs and hands. This never went away.In 2013 she had to get her gallbladder taken out. If this wasn't enough already, her cancer had came back again, and it traveled to her lungs with a small spot. This was treated with radiation, and eventually the small spot went away. 2018 after inked my first son she was once again diagnosed with breast cancer for the 3rd time. She ended up taking the chemo pill that you take once a month and that flared up her breathing problems and kept going in and out of the hospital. Over the years she had developed COPD and this was stopping her breathing after the chemo. 2019 she had spent 13 or 14 trips to the hospital. In May 2019, I got a phone call from my Dad to fly home and that she was being brought home for hospice and given a week to live. Over the course of the week my moms body kept getting weaker. Unfortunately May 21st, 2019 my mom took her last breathe.
    During all of the sicknesses with my mom, my dad was her caregiver and needed to take care of himself as well. He was taking care of my Grandmother ( his mom) who also passed away in February 2019. The morning before my mom passed away my dad was having chest pains. Since I was in town I made him go to the ER. He ended up having a heart attack and 3 of his main arteries were clogged. He had to miss my moms funeral from having triple bi pass surgery. The surgery went well and the doctor said he would heal nicely. This was the time my sister and I were scared of losing both of our parents. My Dad was healing and doing too much and having the heart ache from losing both my grandmother and mom. I had talked to my dad July 22 and July 23rd about the baby's first birthday coming up and everything was fine and he was doing great ( from what he had told me). Friday had came and I was at work and the phone rang. My sister had asked me where I was and that I needed to sit down. She told me she found Dad on the ground and he had died.
    My heart jumped and I screamed and I will never get both phone calls out of my head. Both my parents have died in 2019 2 months and 4 days apart from each other
    This has been the hardest thing I have ever gone through in my life and I dont know how to go about them passing. I have been working, and taking care of the baby and being the best person I can be, but these losses have put a hole in my heart. I am on leave from work to heal. I hoping this group will help me.
  16. Goodgrief

    Goodgrief Member


    You did the right thing to reach out because grieving can feel like a lonely experience. No one knows what you're going through but you.

    You're a hero though - getting your dad to the hospital even if it was just a little more time ... As you know those few days are everything.

    This is such a heavy and sad loss. Both parents is such a hard blow. I just wanna witness your story and encourage you to continue to seek support.

    It's been a few months since my mother's death. I'm taking it one day at a time. Going to therapy. Using this message board and I have a renewed promise to myself to get my health on track.

    We don't have to be alone, even tho grief is a lonely place for the heart.
  17. cg123

    cg123 Well-Known Member

    So sorry for your losses. I found this group to help me a lot. I lost my sister about 5 mos ago and she was the only family I had left. It is good to connect with others who have faced the same situation and know that you are not alone. I take one day at a time - some good days and some bad days.
  18. PJPike1383

    PJPike1383 New Member

    I lost my father three weeks ago after a 13 year battle with Parkinson’s. In his final days, my mother called me from across the country (they have been divorced since I was 5) to tell me she had been diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer that has metastasized to brain. Her life expectancy now is less than a year.

    I feel tremendous guilt because over the past several years, I fell like I shortchanged my time with my
    mom bc my time was limited with my father. I Always felt I could “count on” her to be the healthy parent (and grandparent) that would be around for me and my family after my dad passed. Now that’s all changed. I feel like I am in different stages of grief for each parent; I can’t brinf any degree of closure with my father bc my focus has now turned to staying strong for my mom and getting as much quality time out of what we have left.
  19. mtfthea

    mtfthea New Member

    Hi there, I'm so glad I found this forum.

    I've been struggling too.

    I lost my parents around 2 months ago, 2 days apart from each-other. I have been struggling as I am in NZ and usually live in the UK, so my social support isn't great here. I had been spending a lot of time with a few new-ish friends, who took me under their wing and looked after me. However when I started to get really depressed, they both cut me out and asked me to move out. Said they need to look after themselves, and have too much going on. I now have proper counselling help, but feeling incredibly lonely and embarrassed I got so low.
  20. taylormary11

    taylormary11 New Member

    Hi. I am glad I'm not alone. I kind of was starting to think this year was a curse or an unbelievably long nightmare.

    My mom was sick most of 2019, but she was dragged around to a thousand doctor appointments and no one knew what was wrong with her. Just when we finally learned she had multiple myeloma and amyloidosis, my seemingly healthy dad sat us down to say he had cancer too. (They are long divorced and both remarried).
    Just a couple weeks after diagnosis, my mom coded and died at the hospital. It was August 24th.

    Over the course of the Fall season, my dad was doing cancer treatments for a large tumor in his abdomen (technically kidney cancer but also touching pancreas, gallbladder, and liver). At first he seemed to be doing well, even getting stronger.
    And I grieved for my mom some, but mostly just distracted myself. I thought I was doing pretty well.

    Well at Thanksgiving dad suddenly got weaker, and has been getting weaker ever since. Christmas was hard, but I was busy and cheerful. Then after Christmas I just suddenly started to feel as if I'm losing my mind.
    Time moves at weird paces, I'm exhausted, I feel like I'm sick and I can't get well, my brain feels like its floating off into space.

    I am currently sitting at my dad's house here at 3 in the morning. He hasn't eaten in a couple days, can barely talk or move, is now under hospice care. He will most likely die in the next couple days. (Probably just in time for mom's birthday).

    Add to all that all the OTHER crap that has happened very recently- crazy hateful step dad, sister ill and a trip to ER, husband with chronic back problem, and father in law in a very scary car accident- and I was beginning to think I was cursed or something.

    I don't know how to keep going.

    And does anyone else get pissed off when other people, celebrating new years, say "gosh 2019 sure was hard"? Bull crap. I bet nothing at all serious happened to those idiots. Try losing BOTH parents.