Losing both Parents less than 3 weeks apart

Discussion in 'Loss of Both Parents' started by jomo1215, Apr 28, 2020.

  1. jomo1215

    jomo1215 New Member

    My only brother passed away when I was 10 years old, in 1986 so for the past 30+ years its been just my parents and me. My mom was diagnosed with Parkinsons and Dementia, about 5 years ago, and her condition worsened over the past two years. Her dementia caused her to fall out of bed in 2017 and break her him, and after that she struggled walking and relied heavily on my dad. My dad was her primary caretaker, and did such an amazing job caring for her. My parents lived in the Bronx, New York City and I lived not too far away in Brooklyn. I would see them as much as I could, but when New York was issued our stay at home order, I last saw them around March 10th. I would call and speak to my dad mostly, at least twice a week, as my mom was sleeping more and more. I remember calling them Sunday April 5th, and got extremely emotional when I finally spoke to my mom. She was somewhat coherent and I told her how much I loved and missed her. She had no idea what was going on, but said she missed me too, and handed the phone back to my dad saying "something is wrong with him, he seems sad"

    Tuesday, April 7th, I did my usual morning routine which included a workout After my workout I called my dad to check up. For 3 hours no answer, when I decide to take the trip. I was confronted with my biggest nightmare. My dad was healthy, strong, alert and dedicated the last few years of his life caring for mom. He had suffered a heart attack sometime the night before and because my mom was bedridden, and pretty much unaware of anything, she couldnt call for help for god knows how long. Its an image I cannot forget. Mom was taken to a hospital and eventually transferred to a nursing home on April 10th. This past Sunday, the nursing home called and said my mom was running a fever, later that night her breathing was shallow. I was able to skype with her yesterday at around 1 PM. She was staring into space and I knew she heard me, but didn't respond. She passed away at around 5 PM.

    I know this is all fresh, and it will take some time for me to process all of this. I never expected to lose both my parents, never thought I would lose my dad first, and never thought I couldn't be as close to them as I wish I could. As strong as I am for the rest of the family, I'm broken, hurting, sad and have to cope in isolation.

    I guess thats why I came here, to connect with people who are also grieving. I'm just so lost right now.
  2. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member


    God, as I read your words it is one of heartache, pain, and suffering. I am so sorry for the loss of both your parents. This isolation has taken something very special away from us all. The intimacy we shared with those we loved so much in life is so damn unfair. I can't say enough how awful a situation we all are faced with now.

    It doesn't matter where we all are, this country, that state, or anywhere. Our togetherness is being torn apart by an unknown that no one knows when we will feel safe again.

    Jomo, losing both your parents is indescribable. I also lost my father first, but to lung cancer, and then my mother to stomach flu. I had let these losses get the better part of me and depression took over my life. I was treated and eventually recovered. But then like you, I was faced with life without either of them anymore. I was in my early forties at the time, but these losses made me see just how hard and cruel life can be to us all. Sometimes when you try to talk with others, sure you don't have the best of words, but damn, you are crying inside, you are bleeding out your heart, and sometimes others just don't see or understand how profoundly you are affected and so you are still trying to cope with this new life.

    Jomo, we both have lost a special part of our lives, we are diminished and saddened. There are no words that will adequately describe what those tears we shed for them really means to each of us. Just know, I understand I cry for you and I cry for myself as well.

    Even though our faith in ourselves is tested so strongly today, talk with us, talk with others, and never stop till you start to feel able to handle your new life. They say it is sometimes hard to describe what lonely is really like, but I will tell you, no matter where you are in a house, turn out the lights, turn off the sounds and just listen - that in essence is what it is.

    Take care. Stay safe. Keep reaching. We will be here.


    I play this song you