Losing both my parents suddenly

I am currently 38 and my first loss was when I was 12. My father had a sudden heat attack at work and didn’t make it. Imagine being told in the middle of the night you would never see your father again. I never got to say goodbye. Then back in 2014 I suddenly lost my mother to a stroke. My mom did everything she possibly could for me. I have so many regrets and I think that is what is making this so hard. Nothing really crazy just dumb things I did as a teenage girl. I put my mother through hell. I know many people tell me they understand but they really don’t because they haven’t suffered the loss of two parents suddenly. I thought maybe coming on here I could find someone who has experienced this and could help each other get through it.

 

Blueeyes,

I am sorry for the loss of both of your parents. I know it had to be awful for you as a child to first lose your father so abruptly and then to lose your mother is extremely sad. Life must have been hard for you as a child, as a teenager, and you grew into a young adult, but also for your mother, who had lost her mate in life as well. I hope you both were able to have many precious talks with one another over the years.

After I lost my dad, and then took care of mom for years, I sat with her and had many private talks with her. We shared tears, laughs, and memories, each from our own perspective and what it meant to each of us. I found out how during World War 2 mom hated the postman. He was the one who delivered letters from the war department of loss, so to open a door to him back then was so hard.

Blueeyes, whether you realized it or not, you to your mother was her most special thing in life. She coveted you, no matter how angry you became, or how you rebelled. She understood your turmoil with the loss of your dad and how it affected you as you grew. All your mom could do was hug and kiss you, and talk with you as best she could. Her heart was always in the right place, thinking of you're well being.

Any death, is sudden, it is a loss that one moment you are with them and then they are not. I stood holding mom, with my arms around her shoulder as dad took his last breath. I watched my mom pass from stomach flu in a hospice hospital. Both losses were so personal, so hard to accept. At that point I had a wife and two sons who I had to be strong for in life.

Blueeyes, the loss of our parents is something that will live within each of us forever. We will have those memories with us for a lifetime. I hope you will find a way to face your losses and start to accept them. You don't need to feel bad about how they went, just try to keep them within your heart.

Take care. I hope you will watch out for despair and never give in to depression. When you feel angry. When you have so many questions. When you no longer care. Reach out to us. Reach out to professionals for help.

Even in this time of isolation you can stay connected - with the phone, to family, to friends. Over the internet with doctors. My own two sons had doctors appointments over the internet. So there are still ways to stay connected, just not what any of us were accustomed to in the past.

I hope peace will one day come to you.

-david

For the loss of your dad



For the loss of your mom

 

Sorry for your loss, Blue Eyes. Your mom sounds wonderful, and I know what you mean to have a parent who wants to do everything in the world for you.

I also can relate to being a brat. I feel bad for that, too, especially with my dad who suddenly passed recently. I was an angsty, stubborn, moody, loud-mouthed troublemaker — in other words, a teenager. Of course I’d take back those times, knowing what I know now. But it wouldn’t make him love me any more than he did. He already loved me as much as anyone could. And I guarantee your mom felt the same about you.

My dad lost his own father when he was young, and he talked about wishing he could take back the fights they had. But I saw how much my dad loved his dad, and I know his dad loved him, too. That’s why there’s arguments: because we care so much about each other.

Our parents don’t love us conditionally. They don’t love us only in certain circumstances or when we are nice to them. They love the whole of us, warts and all. Because they know us well enough to know what is in our hearts.

Recently, I was talking to my uncle and saying I just want to know that my dad knew how much I loved him. My uncle, who lost his own father when he was 20, said, “What did their face look like when you entered a room? Did they smile? There’s your answer.”

Best wishes,
Dave