losing a celebrity you looked up to a lot

It’s weird because I basically grew up with them in my life but I never really talked or hung out with them. I keep trying to tell myself that it’s stupid to be hurting this much over someone I barely knew. I’ve never experienced pain like this before. It’s weird, confusing, and unnatural to me. I’ve never grieved before this. I’ve never thought about life and whatever is to come after death so much before. I thought about someone I cared deeply for dying but i never imagined how bad the aching and pain would be when it happened. I lost someone before this is was suffering for a long time and she was very old. I rarely ever saw her either but she was related to me. I guess I subconsciously accepted that she would die and she wouldn’t have to suffer anymore. Looking back, I’m surprised I was able to accept it. I was so small and I was able to accept that? But now it’s hard for me to accept this other person’s death because I grew up with them and even though they weren’t right with me like my friends from school were... they were there. I looked up to them. I watched them grow up as I grew up. I admired them so much because in a lot of ways they were just like me. It’s so weird and confusing to see someone you grew up with just die so suddenly. It’s so hard to comprehend because I cared and loved them so much. They were so happy, healthy and alive one moment and then all the sudden i see on the news that they’ve passed away. They were so young and i think that’s what hurts the most. Is how could someone so young and great just die? Their future, their family and everything else that was ahead of them was just taken away. I can’t even believe it. My mind for some reason thinks i’ve passed them in age? I don’t know how to explain it because i was like a year younger than them and i haven’t passed their age but it still feels like so much time has passed even though it hasn’t been long. I feel older than them. It’s really hard to explain so i’ll just forget about it. But even though i didn’t know them as much as their family did, i feel like i did in a way because they were constantly in my life. they were my idol. I tried to watch all of their movies and tv shows, everything that they had been in. And now I can barely look at them without feeling sad and anger. Before they passed away, I had this whole comic thing I was planning. I’ve been really into superheroes for almost as long as I’ve known about them and i wanted to base a character on them. And i still want to do this to honor them but it’s just so hard. I don’t know if i’ll be able to. And I can’t talk about this with anyone because no one around understands what i’m going through right now. I just want someone who can relate to me. I’m sick of crying and this heaviness i feel on my chest. I know i shouldn’t be this sad over someone i’ve never even met but they so unbelievably important to me. They were so young and when i found out about them passing away I almost felt like the world was ending because I never imagined this happening. And I hate to admit it but I think i’m still in the denial stage of grief because it seems so fake. I want it to be fake so bad. I keep feeling like I’m living in some kind of nightmare right now. I’ve never cried this much over anything or anyone. And now I feel like everything i’ve cried or been happy for seem so small and non-important. I don’t know what I want. And i feel guilty because if anything this should teach my to appreciate and live my life because life is so short. We don’t know when it’ll be time for us to leave so we should just live it out. But my brain doesn’t want me to believe that. My brain wants me to be scared of ever loving anyone again because i might lose them and the pain might be worse than what I’m feeling right now. I feel like these two feelings are wrestling inside me and it making my emotions go up and down. I hate it so much. I just want them back so that this will stop. And i’ve never really believed in a god or heaven because it hard to believe what I can’t see. But now i want to so bad. For their sake, their family’s sake and for mine. I just want to be able to rest. I want this feeling to go away. I miss them so much. I don’t want to grow up anymore without them growing along with me but I keep telling myself i have to keep going for them.

I apologize for any typos I made in this. I did not reread it before sending it.