My husband died on the morning of our 43rd wedding anniversary after years of medical problems and a disability from an auto accident 9 years earlier. I was his caretaker and at the end, as he wished, he was in hospice at home for 2 1/2 months before he died. The first year I think.I hide my grief by shopping all the time. Halfway into the second year I was fortunate enough to travel some and go to my daughters house and spend time with her, her husband, who is like a son to me and my 2 young grandsons. My son also stops home from time to time. I love going out but when I get home the emptiness hits me hard. Although I talk, text or face time with my children and grandchildren it's like a knife through my heart that I can't discuss the comings and goings of each day with my soul mate. I miss our hugs, kisses, jokes, that facial expression that I know he would have after hearing or seeing something. I look up at the sky or at his chair and talk to him. I cry a lot when no one is around to see. And I die a little every time I see tears in the eyes of my children or grandson because they miss him or wish they could talk to him. I've always been a strong woman. I went through a lot with him over the years of his medical struggles that others would say I don't know how you do it. I try to stay strong for everyone around me but when I'm home alone I cry and I'm weak .I want my soul mate, my companion .I want his input, his suggestions. Alas, I must remind myself he is no longer in pain and he is with us. I will hug him and kiss him and hold him when we are together again.