Lose of spouse of 43 years

My husband died on the morning of our 43rd wedding anniversary after years of medical problems and a disability from an auto accident 9 years earlier. I was his caretaker and at the end, as he wished, he was in hospice at home for 2 1/2 months before he died. The first year I think.I hide my grief by shopping all the time. Halfway into the second year I was fortunate enough to travel some and go to my daughters house and spend time with her, her husband, who is like a son to me and my 2 young grandsons. My son also stops home from time to time. I love going out but when I get home the emptiness hits me hard. Although I talk, text or face time with my children and grandchildren it's like a knife through my heart that I can't discuss the comings and goings of each day with my soul mate. I miss our hugs, kisses, jokes, that facial expression that I know he would have after hearing or seeing something. I look up at the sky or at his chair and talk to him. I cry a lot when no one is around to see. And I die a little every time I see tears in the eyes of my children or grandson because they miss him or wish they could talk to him. I've always been a strong woman. I went through a lot with him over the years of his medical struggles that others would say I don't know how you do it. I try to stay strong for everyone around me but when I'm home alone I cry and I'm weak .I want my soul mate, my companion .I want his input, his suggestions. Alas, I must remind myself he is no longer in pain and he is with us. I will hug him and kiss him and hold him when we are together again.

 

Some say the tear is the love shared and is not weak. Cleansing and the more are the better. Some have commented that they may excuse themselves to a more private setting. I have lost both of the primary women in my life. For a while the fact that our primary home and the family farm were gone. I was frantic that I could not be with my mother. She is in the urn that I chose and is on a dresser in the bedroom. The presence of them and the shared desitions all these are huge. I am not sure how to proceed in that void. Some days have surprises. Some bad days return just maybe not as hard.

Best to you Jean H.

 

I am so grateful to have found this post. To know I am not losing my mind. 20 months ago I lost my husband from a horrible battle with brain cancer. Of the 7 months he lasted from the time we found out to when he finally rested, 5 of those months he was in a hospital bed in my living room going from being a strong man to the last month in an infant stage, could not even roll over on his own. I grieved for months and then thought and felt I was moving forward. Now suddenly after a very vivid memory (2 weeks ago) of the the day he was diagnosed I feel I have gone backwards. The sadness, depression and anxiety is so strong I had to go on meds. Seeing this has made me see that it is only human, it does NOT mean I am weak, not to give up and yes I can get thru this and once again move ahead. I know he suffered and is now at peace, will I ever be.