Loneliness From Crisis to Chronic

Discussion in 'Finding it Difficult to Move Foward' started by plalonde, May 1, 2019.

  1. plalonde

    plalonde New Member

    I am two days from noting the 14 month anniversary since my wife died. In the beginning it is a crisis and people rally around you. "If you need anything call me", they say. But as soon as the preacher said, "Amen!" at the funeral people started slipping/pulling away. In the beginning it was a few but it hurt. After six months there were a lot. Now after 14 months only two people are left out of the dozens my wife and I considered friends and good acquaintances. EVERYONE is gone. Since my daughter and I have no other family it really hurts.

    I knew from the beginning that nobody wanted to talk about my wife or the past so I didn't and don't. I am just looking to break-bread and spend time with folks and talk about the weather and what is happening in their lives. Even if I'm buying dinner I can't get them to show. "I'll get back with you after I check my calendar..." is what I hear. FYI, they NEVER call back.

    Grief when you loose a spouse is a a chronic condition and requires support for the long game and not just the week after their passing.

    What have you experienced? Where have you found support?
  2. AdriaStar

    AdriaStar Active Member

    I, too, am approaching the 14 month mark since my son passed. Like you said, life goes on for those around us. I still have friends checking in with me and I know if I reach out I will have support.

    It may be different for you as part of a couple. I know when I got divorced, it was a lot like you're talking about here. You had couple friends, now you're 'single' as it were so it changes the dynamics of the friendships. Also, generally speaking, the female in the relationship usually nurtures the friendships, keeps them going and maybe with your wife's passing, that connection is gone.

    I suggest finding widow/widower groups or maybe MeetUps where you met others with the same interests. It's possible that you'll have to recreate your 'new' family group just because of the change in your circumstances.

    Best wishes to you and hugs while we travel this journey of grief and transition.....
  3. paul tinker

    paul tinker Well-Known Member

    Hello Adriastar and polande it is ironic that there are 7.5 billion people on the planet and we end up lonely. I go to yoga classes. Just slow how are you type conversations? Some volunteer work and should add to that. Just a walking companion would be nice. I have an old High School pal that I reconnected with via Face Book. He lives now in NM. having moved from Seattle. He is building a new life but more from an economic desition. Cost of living issues. We both tried some online dating sites. My interest was really just dinner and life stories. He has looked into outdoor hiking type groups. I really should follow his lead. Picking activities with easy grounded people like nature people. Maybe a pain in the ass to sort out what you would do but like the Nike commercial, " Just Do It". A little easier said than done but what choice do we have. Best to you both and all of us here. Is there a motivation pill?
    Destinee likes this.
  4. AdriaStar

    AdriaStar Active Member

    I was just reading an article about how so many people are lonely these days, this article was about young people so it surprised me somewhat. I am moving to Santa Rosa, NM next week to be near my daughter and grandkids. It just feels right when I'm with them. I've moved a lot so I've learned how to build a community each time and I'm still friends with two of my old high school friends. I feel I have a strong support group but I had to work at developing that...it didn't just happen. I work from home 100% so it's important for me to schedule lunches at least once a week with friends and visit with my neighbor who also works at home.
    Volunteering at hospice may be a good way to give back and also connects you with a group of kindhearted friends.
    From a female perspective, I feel dating sites are a little scary, I don't know how it works for me...LOL
    From a veteran at rebuilding my life over and over again, you have to do the work each time.
  5. BarbG

    BarbG Member

    Adria - What type of work do you do from home? I'm curious since I'm looking at retirement soon. I have two Samoyed dogs and would like to be home with them more. They are currently in crates while I work so allowing them to be free would be really nice. I'm trying to figure out what retirement will look and feel like, I do know that I would have to work at going out since I'm an introvert. I lost my husband almost 4 years ago to Alzheimer's and I miss him terribly!
  6. AdriaStar

    AdriaStar Active Member

    So I'm considered a 'subject matter expert' and work as a writer and editor for a website that is being developed to help students create research reports/bibliographies. I have a Master's in Library Information and Science so that's how I got my job. It is full-time. I found my job on a site called virtual vocations, there are others, like flexjobs etc.
    It's lovely to have dogs at home while you work. I got a nice big lazy dog after my son passed away, and then he died eight months later...ugh it was heartbreaking. He was a senior dog, I think he probably had health issues even when I got him. They said he was six but I'm pretty sure he was closer to 9 or 10. So that was too sad for me and haven't got any pets again.
  7. BarbG

    BarbG Member

    Sounds like an interesting job . . . I work as a Director of Adult & Community Education in a public school system. I have almost 41 years in education so am starting to think about retirement. I would like to do some writing or computer work of some kind but haven't figured it all out yet.

    My Samoyeds will be 11 in July. They are brother and sister and certainly keep me busy!
  8. AdriaStar

    AdriaStar Active Member

    sounds like you have a good background to finding an online job then. It really is nice working at home. I have my grandkids here a lot during summertime and am able to help my daughter so that's good. I enjoy having them around, they are 7 and 10, good ages easy to care for.
    BarbG likes this.
  9. diana harvey

    diana harvey New Member

    Plalonde, This is not uncommon to finds so-call friends slip away. They find it uncomfortable being around grief. "Call me if you need anything" means nothing. I try not to take it personally but I still do. It's terribly lonely! After a year and a half of my husband being gone, I'm discovering I must do the work on my own. I volunteer at a few places, but it's not enough. I'm going to take a class at our local college and simple reach out and make NEW friendships. This site is a validator!
  10. cg123

    cg123 Well-Known Member

    It is very difficult but be thankful that you have your daughter. Sometimes people pull away because they don't know what to say or how to deal with such grief. I lost my sister about 3 mos ago and she was the only family I had. We moved from FL to TN and I do not have any friends here but plan on returning to FL eventually.
    AdriaStar likes this.