Like Living in an Alternate Reality

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by JayG, Sep 16, 2020.

  1. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    I can tell by your posts that you had a wonderful loving marriage, you shouldn’t doubt it at all. Remembering the love is harder because he’s not with you in person. But he’s in your heart. He’s a part of you, just like, you shaped each other through love to be the people you each became. Just like Ron and I helped mold each other. I feel like my left arm is missing without his love right here with me.
    I have to agree that weekends are so long and lonely now, we loved our weekends, now I dread them. Nothing to look forward to.
    Give yourself time, things slowly get a little easier. If I didn’t use Ron as my inspiration I don’t know what I’d do, he’s still my everything and I still want him to be proud of me. I’m glad that my posts may have helped you in some way. We all take time to feel more like ourselves, each in our own way and our own time frame. You had a wonderful life and marriage with Michael that was cut short way too soon. Give yourself time and continue to work towards better days. ❤️
     
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  2. JMD

    JMD Well-Known Member

    Thank you. Hard to adjust to this new type of love without him here. I know if he had gotten well and come home, he would be right here with me and we would be loving each other and our simple lives together. That’s how I check myself. Two become one...
    Brother back on scene today demanding a copy of my marriage certificate and a copy of Michael’s will. Lovely. Told me enough time has passed for him to know something. Told me he hired a private investigator to look into my background. Unfortunately all he will find is a few speeding tickets. Next step to make the grieving more interesting will be sending him a letter telling him not to contact me by phone or in person. Michael would have made short work of this mess. Oh well, protecting Michael’s interest will be part of my reason for being for now.
     
  3. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Yes, I’m sure you’re right. Isn’t it something how much we miss the little things. The simple every day things. That life was wonderful.
    I can’t believe you have to deal with his brother, what’s wrong with him? Did he not attend your wedding. I mean really, how cruel can he be. You owe him nothing. Even if you weren’t married, you’re his love and one and only. Maybe block his calls.
    It’s interesting isn’t it, that after we lose our spouse even though we’re grieving, we’re stronger in some ways. Like standing up to people hurting us. Like I did with my sister and you’re doing with your brother in law. We do it because we have to, to protect ourselves and our husbands interest.
     
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  4. JMD

    JMD Well-Known Member

    Yes, I do miss my simple uncomplicated life - predictable, no drama, just about us.
    His brother is a very troubled individual with what we call ‘a pattern of poor decision making’. He is intoxicated and belligerent almost every interaction I (we) had with him over the years. Off color jokes, inappropriate comments. It caused Michael a lot of heartache and stress to talk to him by phone and not be able to understand him because he was drunk. Especially later when he was sick. Brother has 5 children and two sisters that don’t speak to him, and a lovely ex-wife that I keep in touch with. I had trouble being in his presence but if Michael wanted to visit with him, we did. About twice a year for a day or two. Always a challenge. Michael bought a house on the water that we used as our second -vacation- home. I believe that brother has his eyes on that, hence challenging our marriage and Michael’s will. Completely indifferent to the additional hurt he is causing, just driven by his own self-interest. Praying for peace.
     
  5. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Ok, I am understanding the situation. It’s a lot for you to deal with though. I hope you can resolve this with him and keep him out of you life as much as possible.
    I’ve realized after thinking of conversations with my sister after Ron passed that I believe she wanted to move in with me. She’s alone, and moved to Florida, I think 4 years ago. She hates it there and mentioned trying to move back here. Then after Ron passed all the sudden she calls me all the time, at first as support but the. Venting on her life. And then how much she hates Florida. Then I hear how my house is big for one person, etc. I shared some things she was saying and my children and siblings all agree she was trying to get me to say she could move in. Never in a million years! She’s brought me angst all my life. And no one is speaking with her either.
    Yes, It certainly seems Michael’s brother is just trying to grab stuff. Being selfish and not caring he lost a brother and that you lost your husband. It’s sad what we all have to deal with.
     
  6. Leaf

    Leaf Member

    Dear JayG - My circumstances mirror yours. I lost my wife of 43 years two months ago. The same thing happens to me like you every day. Memories get triggered from every day events. I never know what is going to set me off. It can be debilitating. I can only say to you that you are not alone and I truly know from current experience exactly what you are going through. I am hoping that over time, it will get less painful for both of us .
     
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  7. JayG

    JayG Member

    Thank you Leaf. Words cannot express how one feels at a time like this. I am doing two different forms of grief support. One is through my church called GriefShare and another is one on one with a professional counselor. This site is good but lacks the personal touch that one needs. If you are not getting personal support I strongly urge you to look into it. I wish you the best through this journey. May God bless you with strength and peace that only comes from Him.
     
  8. JMD

    JMD Well-Known Member

    I’ll get through it, I am strong. I think about what Michael would do if he were here, and what he would want me to do. He would protect me and therefore I think he would want me to protect myself from his brother’s behavior. He would have straightened it out at the first sign of trouble. He would often tell me he didn’t want people fighting over his stuff when he was gone. He watched the same behavior amongst his siblings when his father died. Grabbing with both hands. It always hurt him so, and I think impacted his ability to grieve in the healthiest way. Other than his brother, most of our families have been pretty supportive of me, although awkward sometimes. I really feel like I need to be around people who care about us and who will allow me to talk about him when I need to. This may not come out right, but it feels like my family will do what works for them, but not disrupt their routine to provide what I need. Doesn’t feel so good. This whole experience has been a real eye opener. I keep moving forward with this new life that I really don’t want and pray for peace to come at some point. Thanks for the posts, I try to remember how you have kept Ron in your life and how he inspires you. It gives me hope.
     
  9. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    I’m glad something Ive said helps give you hope. Everything you say seems to be the normal for all of us. Our families go back to their normal lives and kind of give us the feeling we’re in their way, rather then them supporting us. I totally understand what you’re saying and it makes total sense. When my sister in law said to me, I hope we’re allowed to happy during the holidays, I was in shock. I was out shopping with her and she claimed she wanted to help me get out of the house. But that statement hurt.
    I’m sorry I didn’t answer sooner somehow I missed your last post. I hope things with Michaels brother haven’t gotten worse. Continue to listen to what you know Michael would want you to do. That’s how I seal with any issues too. I know what Ron would say to do with most things and that’s what steers me in the right direction. Such as stopping all communication with my sister. He’s told me that for years.
    I agree that this new life is nothing we want and hard to muddle through. Keep Michael, and his love for you in your thoughts and he will help guide you.
    God Bless! ❤️
     
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  10. JMD

    JMD Well-Known Member

    Thank you again for the post. Feeling sad these days just missing him and not wanting this life without him. Brother is demanding a copy of my marriage certificate and Michael’s will. Am going to send him a letter telling him not to call me or come to my home or work with questions or demands and include estate attorney’s contact. I believe Michael would have stopped contact with him if he was here. So I will.
    My sister is like yours...she calls me about every week which is great and her way of helping I know, but all of the giggling, laughing and nervous chatter annoys me. She does not like it if I mention Michael. Her issue, not mine, so I just have to be careful to limit my interactions and not let it upset me too much. She even went so far as to say she doesn’t like talking to one of my aunts because ‘all she wants to do is talk about Tony and how mean his family was to her when he died’. If the shoe fits....
    I have reached out to the community college here to set up an education fund in their plumbing program in Michael’s honor. He learned in his dad’s business and although he was a master of his trade, he knew that technology was changing the field and felt at a disadvantage. So...I think he would feel good about helping a student in need start a great career. And there’s a legacy.
    I rescued a dog this weekend - to have some company, and have been crying a lot since. Like I shouldn’t have done it because he’s not here. Everything has so much emotion tied to it. Craving peace. JMD
     
  11. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    I love your idea and plan. That’s the most wonderful way to honor Michael. My son won a fund for college. His was computer science. Local parents created a fund after their son passed tragically, he was a computer science student. My so was so happy to win and he sent them a personal thank you.
    I’m sorry you’re having a rough time, it’s impossible not to miss them. Everything in our lives is different, so how can we not miss them. Michaels brother is nothing but greedy, like you need to deal with that. I’m sorry you have to go through that. Hopefully that letter will put an end to him contacting you.
    I think rescuing a dog will be good for you. I understand your feeling about doing that without discussing with Michael or having him there with you to enjoy this new little friend. I have a dachshund, he’s not new but he’s my best friend. Without him I’d be alone 90% of the time. Ron did get him for me and he misses Ron. But I’m sure Michael would love you to have this new company and he wants you to enjoy the companionship.
    I don’t understand why our family and friends have such a hard time understanding the pain, and need to talk about who we lost. They’re a huge part of who we are and talking about them is so important for healing.
     
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  12. ArthurAllen

    ArthurAllen Active Member

    Im sorry for your loss, and I know exactly what you mean by being ambushed by something that reminds me of my wife. I had to quit watching any tv channels that she liked. She liked home improvement shows, and we watched them together all the time. I own a housepainting business, so it was interesting to me anyway. But there's no way I can watch any of those channels or shows now. I'll break down, so I avoid stuff she liked to watch. Its still so hard to avoid. I definitely understand. I dont go to grief counseling. I think it just makes it harder for me, but everyone deals with loss differently and I dont want to discourage it for anyone who it works for. Most of my friends and family are tired of me talking about it, they have their own lives and plenty of stress to deal with. That's hard for me because I still want to talk about losing my wife, that's why I go online here. Everyday is a struggle, for sure. I miss her so much, I still talk to her sometimes. But I know she wouldnt want to see me like this. Its like a hole in my body, I feel empty every day in every thing I do. Im sorry for your loss, and thanks for listening.
     
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  13. JayG

    JayG Member

    Thank you for your post Arthur and I am so sorry for your loss and your pain. It sounds like there were similarities in our wives choice of television. My wife loved home improvement shows also. People deal with grief differently and I felt I needed support and counseling as I was struggling on my own, I will admit at times counseling makes it harder but more times than not, it does help me to cope. Message me anytime you like if you feel the need to talk.
     
  14. paul tinker

    paul tinker Well-Known Member

    Hello Arther and Jay,

    Yes, certain things are loaded with reminders. A Hawaiian restaurant is that. I could not imagine going there. A certain COVID issue is the owners we dearly love passed from the virus. Older and within a week of each other. Tv shows would have been DWTS. I disconnected TV altogether for just a case of focus and news can be so nerve-rattling and negative. The counseling I have done. At the time helpful if just for a person to be with and talk to. Grief books quit a few. Tons of walking to tire enough to even sleep.

    Long painful hall this thing called grief.

    I wish you both the best. I agree Author people get on with there lives and are empathetic for so long but resume their lives. We not so much. So here is a good place to be.

    Be well.

    Paul M.
     
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