July 7th 2007 was the day I lost the love of my life after 22 years of marriage. He died at home in his sleep, leaving behind a wife and 3 children. He was 53 and I became a widow at 50. As it will be 10 years this July, I am still missing him, thinking about him and crying more and more. I believe I hid my feelings because I had to be there for the kids who are now 29 will be 30 March 16, my middle son 25 and my daughter 22. I apologize for rambling but I guess I need someone to be there for me. Sorry, dont know what I am saying because my daughter lives with ne and my boys alwats checks up on me. I guess what I want to know is why am I going through this now? Please help/advise. Val
Hi Val, thanks for being here. I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. I find it's not uncommon for people to have a sort of "delayed" reaction to grief. Especially if circumstances prevent them from fully experiencing their loss in the earlier days. I think you explained it perfectly - you felt you had to be their for the kids and as their mother you turned your time and attention into focusing on them and their needs. Now that they're grown and are becoming more self sufficient you may find you actually have more time to grieve. Grief is very patient and will wait for you until every part of it has been fully realized. The grief you're feeling now may just be the grief that was there before, only now you have more time to sit with it (whether you want to or not!). I hope that is some sort of help, and I certainly wish you all the best. Please take care~
Dear Val: I am so very sorry about your husband. I think what you're feeling now is what you've felt all along, but because you had so many responsibilities to take care of, you went on auto-pilot and basically took care of business. Your kids were 10 years younger and they needed you much more than they do now as young adults. However, you'll always be their Mom. Grief really has a mind of its own. Sometimes it suppresses itself and then years later it hits you like a ton of bricks. And certainly everyone deals with their own heartache in a very individual way. I have been there many, many times. What you are feeling is perfectly natural and understandable and you shouldn't feel as if something is wrong. Except of course that your beloved husband is no longer with you. Now that your kids are a bit more independent is the time for you to take care of yourself and start the healing process. You just need to allow yourself to feel your emotions. However and whenever they come along. I myself found it very helpful and comforting to join a bereavement support group. Within the past 15 years, I lost my Daughter, my Dad and then my Mom, almost 2 years ago. I also went through a painful divorce. Just speaking with and also listening to other people who experienced the same things as I was trying to deal with, was very soothing. It reinforced my feelings of normalcy and gave me strength to keep going. I also starting writing in journals more than 20 years ago and now I have more than 40 books containing what life has been like. When I look back, I am in total amazement that I survived some of things I did. But I'm a strong woman and a survivor and you must be also to have raised your kids on your own when your heart was broken. Do whatever you feel comfortable doing and what brings you even the smallest amount of joy right now. No, the pain of losing your husband and not living out your lives together will always be there. However in time, you'll be better equipped to handle it. Even though it's been 10 years since he's gone, for you it's really brand new because you're now first starting to feel the full effects. Just take one day at a time and basically let things be. I am certain you will get to the point when all the tears will turn to a faint smile and you'll remember and cherish the wonderful years that you spent together. You did what you had to do for your kids. Now it's time to do for yourself. Wishing you strength, peace and comfort. Take good care~ Ellen
