I've lost my mom and dad and my little sister and my dog but...

I dont think any of them have hurt as much as my mom.

I lost my little sister on January 27th, 2005 at exactly 8:00am to cancer, she was 16 and I was 17.

I lost my dad to CHF, Lung cancer, and two strokes on April 19th, 2015 at 5:28pm.

I lost my dog to CHF on April 19th, 2015 at 5:16am. She was 16 and I had her since she was 4 weeks old, the day my dad had his first stroke she had a seizure and while he was in the hospital she stopped eating. His second stroke was one week later and so was her second seizure. I had to let her go, I couldn't let her suffer anymore.

I lost my mom to complications of a heart surgery on April 24th, 2018 at 9:28pm. She was my best friend. I'm so lonely without her.

The difference between them all is, I was able to say goodbye to my sister, my dad, and my dog and they were suffering, once they passed, they were relieved of their suffering. My mom however, I didnt get to say goodbye. Instead i said, "Mom you're tired arent you because of the medicine?" "Just go to sleep mom, close your eyes, we'll be here in the morning, were all spending the night dont worry just go to sleep." And she closed her eyes and all this stuff just came out of her mouth.

Everyday those doctors told us she was doing great but after I got the death certificate and I read her medical records I realized, everyday they lied to us. I just wish they would have told us the truth so I could have said goodbye. Maybe I could have asked her how to do laundry or how to iron clothes or how to manage my money, maybe I shouldn't have told her the surgery was routine and it would all be ok, maybe she would still be here.

If my mom was anything, she was the toughest lady you'd ever meet and if she were here she'd tell me, "Look I know you're sad and all but you can't just sit there and cry all day, what's crying going to do?" because she's told me that in the past but SHE told me, I didnt hear it from my memories, she told me.

She never let me make mistakes or take care of really anything so here I am now, a 31 year old adult who doesnt know how to manage my own money or wash clothes or be an adult.

I'm stuck in this pain and I've experienced so many times before but this time, it just wont budge. My mom was my entire world.

I think theres a difference between losing yourself and being lost and i think being lost is so much more scarier than losing yourself.

When my dad died, I lost myself. I didnt know what I was about or what my purpose was. Now that my moms died, I'm so lost. I know who i am but I'm so lost and I'm so scared because, at least when I lost myself, I lost all comprehension of time and space so to speak. Now that I'm lost, i know exactly who i am but i have no idea how I'm going to live on without her and that's terrifying to me because I'm aware of all of it.

It's like this feeling of complete and utter hopelessness and loneliness that's like an empty feeling I guess. It's like when you give yourself to someone completely, you give your entire soul and being and what makes you, you to someone else and then they just leave it's like this emptiness, and loneliness, and nothingness that hurts like hell but also feels like nothing at all. And I think that the harder I cry, the better and worse it feels.

Thanks for listening or reading I should say.

 

I feel exactly like you do
my mom was my world
I feel like a big part of me died too
she died 1 year ago
horrible to watch
my dad died 4 mos later in his sleep
he was my best friend cannot be replaced