I lost my partner of 17 suddenly years 3 + 1/2 months ago. It was a total shock, at a very traumatic event as we have been traveling home from vacation. My beautiful husband at the young age 41 died on a bathroom floor in a hotel mid shower. I was all alone. I had to figure out what happened where I was and how how to get him home several provinces over. The first two months were a blur with paperwork and hysteria and denial. Now that things legally are wrapping up ( who knew there was so much paperwork with death ) and my friends return to their normal lives of babies marriages and summer parties, the finality of his death is finally setting in. Instead of the hysteria an initial shock I am left with this impending sense of doom. The realization that he is gone from this world and I will never see him again. The realization that I'm all alone and nobody loves me. Yes I have family and friends that love me but no one that loves me like he did. He was my soulmate he was my everything. We decided not to have children at an early age we were going to grow old together. I didn't have a plan B, I never thought I'd be a widow at 40 I never thought that I'd feel such pain, the sad fact is just getting worse because now I'm coming to the full realization that I'm fully alone, I'm scared and I'm sad and I feel robbed. I don't know how I'm going to do this without him. I wasn't aware that it was possible to feel this sad or alone or broken. I'm just so miserable and people keep saying get up, get out, you'll be fine, be strong, that's life. Well fuck I didn't happen to you and it wasn't your husband, he was mine and I was his. And I just don't know how to move past the finality of his absence.
Our stories are very similar. I also lost my soulmate of 17 years, I was 41 years old at the time and he died 5 1/2 hours before his 44th birthday. Also very suddenly and tragically. He was trying to cross the street and was hit by a UPS truck, dying instantly. It has now been 5 years, 5 months, and 17 days. As you can see, I am still struggling. I am so sorry for your loss. I wish I could give you comfort. I completely understand what you are going through. I can tell you this though: Although I still think about him and miss him terribly EVERY single day, I am now able to think good thoughts, not only the loss. I don't think I will EVER get over losing him, it just doesn't seem possible to me, but I have been able to fight my way back into life. It has been far from easy. I still have bad days where the depression threatens to overtake me, but I tell myself that he would be so upset with me if I stopped living my life, if I stopped being who I am. We talked about growing old together so many times. It is devastating to realize that can not happen now, but he would want me to grow old happy. This is what I tell myself and this is what I use to keep fighting, without him, although he is still always with me. I don't know if that helps at all. I just feel our situations are very similar and I am further down this long road than you are, with the passing of time, so I wanted to let you know that there is hope. I know it is so hard to see that right now and TRUST ME, I know how it feels to have everyone around you with their "good intentions " telling you what you need to do to move on. What you should do and when you should do it. Of course they mean well and only want the best for you, but unless they have been through this, they can't possibly understand. So please don't pressure yourself. Allow your feelings to flow naturally, in your own time, and do what YOU feel you need to do to make it through this. One day at a time. Good luck to you sweetheart and my heartfelt well wishes to you.
