It's better in some ways and worse in others...grieving is the process that just keeps giving

My husband died May 2018 after 23 months of bowel cancer. We went through all the treatments and his death was horrific for me as he wanted to die at home so of course I was alone with him in a coma. He was an alcoholic so our last months were blighted with the resurgence of his heavy drinking, when he became verbally unpleasant to me. I was so upset with him and he didn't hug me or comfort me, and I was running around right up until he died what with his family, his children, his needs, his wants.

Initial grieving mixed all my sorrow with the memories of his drunken behaviour. I've worked though a lot of that and have just gone back to work. Now I am remembering the good times we had, and how he used to ring me at work, and how alone I am, and I feel worse, not better. My only close relative is my very elderly father who is deteriorating. I have no siblings or children. A cousin has just committed suicide. I feel very isolated, as there is no one left who loves me unconditionally, no one to cuddle, no one to share the day with. I'm old and not physically attractive so I suspect I will never find another man to share my life, and the thought of being alone is dreadful. I go into restaurants where we used to go, and get raised eyebrows when I ask for a table for one. They are lovely to me, which makes me cry more when I get home.

 

Hi Ann
Sorry for your loss. Don't be too hard on yourself. You have taken care of your husband under some difficult times. That is something you should be proud of. I know of a couple where the wife passed from cancer and her husband was at the grocery store when she was having one of her surgeries. I cared for my wife at home before she passed, and it is very hard and draining. When she passed friends family neighbors etc gave their condolences, but the most comfort I got was from two things. The first was from a grief support group that Hospice offered after she passed. It helped immensely in knowing that I wasn't the only one grieving in a loss. We all told "our story" of our lives and spouses. I thought I had a rough experience until I heard the others story. (maybe they felt the same about my story) The other thing that really helped was talking to people that had a similar loss--they were the ones that really understood what I was going thru. And usually it was complete strangers that we somehow got on the conversation of loss and there was a instant bond that we both understood. We all react to grief differently, so I tell you the above not necessarily as something you should or shouldn't do, but it was things that helped me. Like my wife used to say different is just different, it doesn't mean right or wrong. So I give you a tip of my hat for your compassion under difficult times--there are a lot that couldn't do what you did. As for being too hard on yourself--I lost my wife over a year ago and I still haven't gone to a sit down restaurant by myself.

 

Dear JD, TY for your kind words. It's hard for everyone I know, and each of us does it in their own way. I agree that when you are in this situation there is a new understanding. I know it is necessary and I miss him greatly. I see so much kindness from strangers and I suspect people know, which is surprising yet wonderful. I'm sorry you are grieving still.

 

Ann I should explain. I lost my wife over a year ago, and I was doing good. But Thursday I had to put our dog down. It was a dog my wife and I got as a puppy and it was a great companion dog. I took dog to vet Tuesday and vet said she heart trouble and possible tumor, and that I could bring her home. She started having breathing issues and other problems. Well this episode with the dog flashed me back to when my wife was dying of cancer--it was almost as if all the emotions from that time got condensed and came back full force. And the other thing was that part of my wifes life was with the dog. So when the dog died, it was the last living thing (other than me) in this house that had a connection with my wife. I knew it would be hard when the dog died, but I didn't expect to relapse from when my wife passed.