It Still Feels Like Yesterday

It still feels like yesterday when my mom said Ros come have a drink of tea with me. It was 5am. I agreed because that was "our thing". Mind you I just got in from work at 3am. We talked, read the Bible and sipped out tea together til 8:45. Then she said Ros baby (I'm the baby of 4) I'm tired baby. I said OK, let's get in your bed because I have to be to work again at 11am and I rather sleep in here than go in my room. (I bought a house out of money I was saving since high school to take care of her and my born blind brother). I said you ready to lay down. She said yes on your lap. I laughed because she always said to me when I would lay on her lap get yo heavy head off me girl and we'd laugh. When she didn't laugh a nerve started to twinge and I knew something was about to happen. I just thought maybe she outside herself while I was at work or something. Which she didn't have to do because I'm OCD and always cooked and cleaned before I left and after I got home. 9am came and she said Ros I'm so tired and ready to go home. I knew it then. Right then. I selfishly said no I'm not done with you yet so you keep fighting and stay awake. She kept pleading saying please. I started crying screaming no I said no. I'm the baby and you're not going anywhere til we are done and we aren't done with you. What about my blind brother? What about your grandkids? What about me moma, I'm your baby?!?! She put my hand on her face and said I love you baby girl, take care of them all for me and know I'm always here when you need me. Now please sweetheart close moma eyes and shed your tears on my face so I can go home. I complied and called EMS and my siblings then the rest of the family. From that day I never cried again until today after my pregnant niece wanted to go visit her grave and I took her. I held in tears for 9 long years and it still hurt. I shed a few drops but not more than a quick drop then gathered because she was walking my way. People say I'm afraid to grieve. People say I'm afraid to cry because that's letting her go. I say if I shed tears I'll show I'm not being strong like she told me to be so I keep everything bottled inside. Its starting to affect my relationship and all she wants is for me to open up to her because she lost her mom also but I keep going back to her saying stay strong for them and take care of everybody. I look down at my arms daily and still see her taking her last breath. I still feel me closing her eyes for the last time. This is too painful...

 

Hi RosBrown55
My heart goes out to you. I dislike that statement of "be strong" when my mom passed 2yrs ago, that was all I heard. I got to the point were I redefined the term "be strong" "Be strong" to me means, cry, scream yell and feel ever emotion unapologetically. It irritates me when people say, "it will get better with time" I feel like that's a lie. Time without your mom because harder to cope with everyday. Your mom is right though, she will be by your side always. I feel my mom is with me everyday. I see her in everything I do, but it still hurts that she not her physically. I say to you, be your own definition of strong.