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It only worse

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by Rebekah, May 8, 2020.

  1. Rebekah

    Rebekah Member

    I recently had to go back to work it’s almost been 3 months since I lost my husband in a tragic accident. It’s horrible at work can’t wait to get in my car and cry. People ask how I am I say ok but that’s a lie of course I’m miserable it seems as time goes by the pain and missing him is worse. Coming home to an empty house is terrible no one to talk to about my day I’m just so alone and feeling super depressed lately. I don’t really know what to do.
     
    darren1234 likes this.
  2. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Rebekah, Everything you say makes so much sense. I am so sorry for the tragic loss of your husband. Nothing in life prepares us for this nightmare. I understand saying I’m ok, when you’re so not ok and wanting to get in your car and cry. I’ve told relatives how I was living one day at a time and their reply was, still? I’m not honest any more.
    I lost my husband suddenly to a heart attack. He’d didn’t feel well then realized it was his heart, I call 911 he’s worked on at the hospital, he passes 2 hours later. He was my everything, and we ran our business together. I had to close it, but now nothing in my life is the same and I’m not working so no schedule at all. We planned to retire Sept of this year. We were married 41 years and in business 40 years.
    My daughter and I flew to Florida to visit my son, when I got home my house was so big and empty and quiet, I cried so hard and felt like I can never leave the house again. So I understand your feeling on coming home from work to an empty house, just brings all the pain back even worse. I also understand that time right now seems to make you feel worse. I keep feeling it’s time for him to come home now.
    This health crisis we’re living through right now certainly isn’t helping. I’m hoping you have family and friends reaching out to you and offering support through phone calls or whatever means possible. Talking and sharing is very helpful. Also being on this site with people who understand your pain and know what it feels like help too. Keep posting, and reading, comfort comes from knowing you’re not alone. I do breathing exercises that seem to calm me quite a lot. I’ll add a link at the bottom if you care to try the exercise. What I do is a little different then this site but very similar.
    Your husband is still with you, he’s in your heart to stay forever. I know you want him but I believe he is watching over you and sees your pain. Losing your husband is a huge loss and it takes time, lots of time to start to feel like you’re making progress. Take care of you, try to be sure to get fresh air, stay as busy as you feel up to and let the tears happen. They are cathartic.

    Sending hugs! Robin

    https://www.anxietycoach.com/breathingexercise.html
     
  3. Rebekah

    Rebekah Member

     
  4. Rebekah

    Rebekah Member

    Robin
    Thank you for your kind words. I hope with time it will get easier for me to open up with people and tell them how I’m really feeling. Im trying to do the best I can but still have so many bad days. I’m fearful of what the future will bring for me. I hate being alone with no one to talk to. I know it’s a new way of living but some days I feel so hopeless. All I want is my husband back. I know that can never happen he was just so young with a lot of life left. If I laugh or smile I feel so guilty. I just need time alot of time.
    Thank you
    Rebekah
     
  5. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Rebekah,
    It does take time. I wish I had a magic wand that could take all your pain away. Take all the time you need, when you feel ready in your time. I didn’t realize how much sharing and reading stories helped til 11 month after Ron passed I found this site and I was t doing very well at all. After I started sharing my story and people reached out to me, I felt less alone and less scared. Because people on here get what it feels like and many people in our day to day life don’t understand, unless they e had such a loss. The loneliness just feels horrible. I find nights and weekends are the hardest times to get through.
    I understand how you feel if you actually smile or laugh, I still feel that guilt.
    Don’t push yourself, things can wait, just do what you have to.
    Thinking of you, Robin
     
  6. Sweetcole

    Sweetcole Well-Known Member

    Sorry for your loss. I no people mean well by asking how you doing. I be wanting to scream I've lost a part of me how do you really think I'm doing. Pray 4 strength
    That's the only thing getting me through it cause every day is a challenge.
     
  7. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member


    Rebekah,

    I am saddened by the loss of your husband. We all are affected by loss and it is normal for the words from so many sound so hollow to us. This loss is so very personal to you and you alone. Naturally, people may be at loss to find the words that will help.

    I wish I could wipe away the intense pain you have inside your heart, mind, and soul. But that pain is the love you formed in life. As time passed and you both grew together as a couple, you shared your hopes, wishes, fears, promises, and love with one another.

    There is no boundary to that as it grows and grows with time. So this loss has taken ahold of you, your life, your feelings and it is almost impossible to see beyond anything other than the tears that flow so freely now.

    The echos in the house are crushing. As you talk to him, and then no answer comes back, I will tell you please never believe that is true. When I lost my wife, Nadine of 42 years, to cancer, I had 10 years to prepare for her loss along with my two sons. Those remaining days seemed to pass too quickly, we couldn’t stop our intense sadness, our tears from never stopping and we had no words for others, only sadness in our eyes.

    As I held my wife’s had as she took her final breath and slowly lost my grip to her hand, her last remaining sister, grabbed me as I cried out in pain. That walkout of hospice that night, was one sickening. My two sons walked behind me, our ride back to the hotel was silent and that night each of us said no words. We were lost in our sorrow.

    Rebekah, Yes, I know why you feel so sad, as I did during those initial days, and the time that would follow. Words by others were unimportant. Sure they meant well, but let’s face it Rebekah, it was our loss and it was so personal that is tears could talk it would shock a world with the wonder of and scope of love for our loss.

    It has been over 5 years now Rebekah since I lost Nadine. I can still cry for that loss, I have no dry sockets, but I will tell you I realize she will be with me forever, like your husband will be with you forever.

    Those early days were the hardest, and I know they have to be for you as well. I will say what I eventually found that helped me the most is talking to others who had lost. We all shared this emptiness inside us. I found that sharing stories helped so much. I just know I am ok today, as one day you will be also. You just have to have faith in yourself.

    Please never feel like how you feel, when you cry openly in public it is natural, what others think doesn’t matter, what matters it your body, your heart is talking to you. They are helping you move through time. Your memory of him will never fade, but the pain of his loss will eventually get easier and easier to face each day. It takes time.

    Peace be with you. Take care of your well being.

    -david


    This song is for you


     
  8. Rebekah

    Rebekah Member

    David
    Thank you for your kind words and the beautiful song. I know I need time to help heal my broken heart but I miss him so much. This first year will be the hardest because I will have a first with everything, Birthdays and Holidays. I just never imagined I would be this alone and scared about what the future will hold for me. I do find this helpful to talk to other people who experience the death of a loved one. This is the only place that really understands what we are going through and what I do know is there is no time limit when my grief will end I will always have some sort of heart ache for my husband.

    Thank you
    Rebekah
     
  9. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member

    Rebekah,

    I know-how as time pass, we come upon so many things we used to celebrate, then after we lose someone we loved so much, those days seem so hollow to us. What is scary how each has many diverse experiences in life and what one can't wait to celebrate, another might be dreading the approaching date because the one(s) is no longer with them.

    My dad was told by his doctor on Valentine's day he had stage 4 cancer. From that day forward, the coming of that holiday will remind me of dad and how a foolish doctor told him that on that special day. As if it could not have been done the day before or the day after. So at least to me, one holiday will always be omitted from the calendar.

    Rebekah, I know we never think of what may someday come to pass for it is just too disheartening to us. Even the circumstances of how one passes can take ahold of us and give us so many sleepless nights. The calendar that hangs somewhere on a wall or upon a desk or table, now after death may be looked at some differently.

    Of course we each handle loss so differently and it will mean so many things to our day. How we eventually all face those days when they come to pass again, will one be who that person was to us? We each learn after a passing, our life has changed to something of a mystery. We might go through so many emotions over time.

    Rebekah, all the losses in my loss has taken me many places, like I am sure the loss of your husband has. To me, not speaking for anyone else, it was as if I was cast upon a sheet of ice with no way to right myself at first. I moved aimlessly through time, with regrets, tears, anger, questions, and on and on it went. What I found was that it was so easy to get lost in that sorrow. To allow it to take hold of me. I allowed myself to fall without reaching out to others. I just hope we all can keep talking
    and know sometimes others will help us through their humanity.

    Sure, Rebekah, we understand so reluctantly loss and all that it brings. It is a broken road of life none of us ever wish to be upon in life.

    Keep talking, no matter how hard it seems. We all may not see it the same some, but we all can agree, we each suffered profound loss. Take care and keep talking.

    -david

    This song is for you today

     
  10. Dave33085

    Dave33085 Well-Known Member

    Robin, such wise words spoken to Rebekah. Maybe I just had a snapshot of my life flash before me as I was reading. So many feelings, emotions and situations happen to those who mourn. Some parallel each other. Some worse than others for each person is different but we all seem to experience the same things. A year ago, I wasn't sure I would ever laugh or smile again. I was really mad at God. How could he let me down after all those prayers?? Worse yet, how could He let my wife down like that after the beautiful life she lived. And all the prayers she said?? When I finally came to realize that I was trying to dictate His will by by praying for things to go the way I wanted rather than accepting that this was the way my life was supposed to go, only then was I able to return to church and start to rebuild my life. I'm not there yet but every day I work in it. Wishing everyone mourning the loss of their loved one the ability to find the strength to rebuild your life.
     
  11. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    David, I agree For the most part we experience the same emotions. Different degrees different times but we all go through the same things.
    I didn’t find this site until 11 months after Ron passed. I was not in a good place at all. This site and the people on here have helped me emensely. I do feel this virus and social distancing is making me take some steps backward, but no where near how I was feeling when I joined here. The ppdople here get it and totally understand, where my family and friends although they try they end up saying hurtful things. Because they haven’t experienced this type of loss.
    I’ve gone down that road, being so angry at God, I understand. I get angry after each loss that Ive experienced. I’ve felt like you mention how wonderful your wife was, how could he take her. That’s how I felt with Ron’s passing, he’s a respected business man, a wonderful provider, the best Dad and the most wonderful husband. How could his life be so cut short. Then sometimes I feel for myself and now there is no retirement life, etc. and then I say to myself, it’s Ron who lost out on life. I then think he wouldn’t want me thinking this way or struggling he’d want me to live life. So he has become my inspiration, I love him with all my heart and I want him to see me trying and using some of the knowledge he lived by and we lived by as a couple.
    I agree it takes strength and it take s time to. Hilda’s up the strength after such a loss.
     
  12. Dave33085

    Dave33085 Well-Known Member

    Yes, I agree that our spouses would have wanted us to grieve, then to get on with our lives. As you said that inspiration comes from our loved ones. They wouldn't want to see us stuck in a rut, not being able to enjoy our lives at all. I still have really bad days. Sometimes they stack up. When I see that happening, I do something to break that routine. I spent a year there and don't want to spend the rest of my life there as I truly do want to enjoy the rest of my life. Maybe even meet someone that wanted to share it with me. I wouldn't have even thought about entertaining that idea a year ago. Chrissy will always be with me in my heart. I still talk to her all the time. I believe she hears me.I think if I could hear her she would scold me for dragging around this long. I am grateful for the time that we did have together and we have our children and grandchildren to live out her legacy.
     
  13. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    I’m a firm believer that our loved ones hear us. I talk to Ron all the time. Out loud and in my head. Do you receive signs from her? I get signs from Ron. I can hear Ron scolding me for struggling so much. We talked about these things but when it’s real and has happened it’s a whole other ballgame.
    Believe it or not my daughter and I built a gate last weekend, using Ron’s power tools and the things he taught us. Came out great, we’re proud. Ron would be proud but not happy we had to do it. I suffer with RA, he didn’t let me do anything close to that. I’m paying for it, I’m in pain, but Ron helped me build a gate I can now open easily.
    I sure wish I had grandchildren, would be so nice. My children were a great help my my mother when my Dad passed. I could use that.
    Like you said, be grateful for the time we had with them. And hopefully the memories will help us smile. June 4 would have been our 43rd anniversary. Will be a difficult day for sure.
     
  14. Dave33085

    Dave33085 Well-Known Member

    I can't say for sure that I have seen any "signs" from her. But there has been some things that happen like on nights we I get real lonely and something triggers the waterfall. Her dog jumps up on the couch next to me and starts licking my tears and then my hands and face and just won't stop until I do. She used to lay next to my wife for hours on end after my wife had her chemo treatment. She would curl up on one side of her and her other dog would curl up on the other side of her and they wouldn't move for hours. The only other thing is that every time I go to the cemetery, I pull a bench up in front of her crypt and pray. So far every single time I've visited (and it's been a lot) the sun would shine through the door at the end of the hall. No matter what the weather was like when I left the house, even if it was just for a minute, the sun would shine through that door. That sucks that you have RA. I have osteo real bad in my back, pelvis and knees. Just had surgery in November. The doc freaked out when he saw the MRI. Had me in the OR a week after her saw the films. Drilled out two discs in my neck and put in rods, plates and cadaver bone and screwed it back together. It left me with trying to get full use of my legs and my balance back but he said I could have been permanently paralyzed if we waited any longer. Funny thing is, I didn't care at all. In fact, the OR nurse said "boy, you're pretty calm for someone going in for such a delicate surgery" I just told her it was in God's hands and worrying about it wasn't going make it go any smoother. I guess I just felt hey, what's the difference? My daughter was the only one waiting for me in the waiting room. I guess your whole frame of mind changes we your life changes so abruptly. I worry about other things now. And you should be real proud of yourself for building that gate. That's obviously something that Ron would have done. I know how proud of myself I was after I figured out how to use the washer. But then my daughter explained how I wasn't supposed to throw ALL my clothes in at one time that the whites should be separate ha ha. But this is our new life. We have to make the best of it. But I'm still really bad at folding clothes
     
  15. AML

    AML Member

     
  16. AML

    AML Member

    and finding someone who feels like I do is why I'm on here. I lost my husband very suddenly on 04/27/2020. He had been in a motorcycle accident on 03/11/2020 and was recovering well, or so we thought. Was in PT and just started being able to walk with a crutch/walker 2 days before that horrific evening when I yelled at my daughter to call 911 having no clue what was happening to him. I lost him to a pulmonary anabolism, from what I'm NOW being told happens after the extensive surgeries he had. No one ever warned us of this that I can recall. There were no warning signs prior to it happening. I keep going over and over it in my head what we missed. were their signs? would we have been able to tell? was he in more pain than he let on? what the h@ll happened! how is he gone? He is only 41 years old, would turn 42 next month. I still sit here everyday just waiting on him to come home. I can't touch any of his things, all sitting right where he left them. and that's a daily battle, of it's hard to look at and I can't give up on him and it's comforting to leave it all, feel like he's just going to come home. I can't stop crying, I literally think about him and talk to him all day long in my head, I don't care about anything and just can't accept it. I have family and friends around, but I cant handle normal conversations, like at all. I know they mean well but I just can't. I sit in the garage most the evening because it's hard to be in the house. I'm losing my mind. Just feels like a part of my soul has been ripped out. We've been together 18 years, married 15. Our 15th wedding anniversary was just 2 weeks earlier. I can't get past just crying, heartbroken and feeling completely lost without him in this life I don't want without him.
     
  17. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    So I’ll start with your signs. I believe that is your wife, saying I’m here I’m ok. The waterfall was a favorite thing of hers? My Mom who passed in 2005, turns on a lamp in my living room. She’s been doing it for years, one day when Ron was still here we both were outside on our de k, and we smelled my Moms perfume we looked at each other and said do you smell that. No one was anywhere around, my Dad who passed in 1994 put the smell of coffee in our car. And Ron has given me more signs then I can even tell. From coins on the floor in our bedroom, to smelling his deodorant, we were in the auto upholstery business and all the sudden there were studs to snaps in our room. Sometimes on the radio I hear 6 or more of his favorite songs in a row, or I hear favorite songs in a store that would never play those songs. One time I saw his hand reach out to me to help me out of my daughters car and once he kissed me. I know some people think all of that is crazy but it happened. I lost my credit card, searched for 2 days, then Ron came to me in a dream and when I woke up I was like, Ron says my credit card is the car. I searched my car and sure enough I found it in the back seat! I believe the sun you see shine through the door is Chrissy too. We all know our loved ones are in our hearts forever but I believe they’re giving us signs as well.
    Your surgery sounds brutal, yikes! How was your recovery after all that? I have osteo in my hip, RA else where. I agree, our frame of mind does change, different things feel more important.
    Thanks, on the gate, and yes Ron would certainly have done that. It took us a long time but it’s done and works perfectly. I’m a bit amazed. Ron would never let me do something like that. Your daughter is right, you should sort your clothes according to color, but hey, you’re doing the laundry, good job. It’s funny I just recently had conversations on here about how our spouses would be managing if they were here and we had passed. Women find house upkeep difficult, repairing things, calling for the furnace to be serviced etc. there’s more tools in the basement that I know what to do with. The. Se have a project and go find the right tool, it’s always there. Men, laundry, cooking, remembering birthdays and so on, and not knowing what all the kitchen tools and gadgets are for. But all agreed they would be grieving just as we are and having a difficult time.
     
  18. Dave33085

    Dave33085 Well-Known Member

    Boy, our lives sound so much the same but different. I never did much laundry and Chrissy never ran the lawn mower. Now that I've been assigned all the chores, I just try to figure the best way to do them but that itself feels like a full time job. Just never enough time especially when you're slowed down by a surgery and rehab. And the more I think about those signs, the more I agree with you. My wife loved, absolutely loved hot tea so we got her a real nice kitchen aid teapot. Well there were so many times she would put a pot of tea in them go downstairs to do the laundry and that thing would be screaming on the stove. I would holler in to shut the damn thing off but she was downstairs and on goes the screaming. This happened so often that I just got used to the noise of the teapot. There has been several times that I swear I heard that teapot screaming. So yes, I believe in signs. And as far as the kitchen gadgets go, I'm a cook (at least I was) by trade so I do know my way around the kitchen. I used to love to cook for Chrissy. Shrimp was her favorite. As far as the surgery goes, yeah it was brutal but it's over and the doc says in another 6 months I should be totally healed except for the spinal cord damage which could be permanent. It is what it is, I'll just keep pushing on
     
  19. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    AML,
    I am so very sorry for the loss of your husband. It’s horrible how things turned and you weren’t even aware such a thing could happen. My heart breaks for you. I totally understand not wanting to move things from where he placed them down. I’ve left things where Ron put them down, for some reason it feels better to let them stay there. I had to close our shop and I found it so hard to go in and move things. I knew exactly what he was working on the day before when he put things down to come home. So many days I’d go to try to get things ready to clean out the space and all I’d do is sit and cry and then go home and cry some more.
    Your loss is so recent, I imagine you can’t think straight, eating and sleeping are next to impossible. We all experience that, we understand just how you feel. This site is full of people who will support you and let you know you’re not alone. If you have family that you’re able to let in your space even with the social distancing going on, let them in and even if they just sit with you that’s great support. I understand you sitting in the garage, I haven’t sat in my husbands favorite chair, I can’t watch his favorite tv shows. I have been able to start listening to his favorite music, he would have tv on all the time, I can’t do that, it bothers me, Ron can’t watch.
    Everything you mention and how you’re feeling is natural after losing your life partner. This takes time, be easy on yourself, don’t push to do things unless you feel up to it. Most things can wait. Try to get fresh air each day, and do little things, brush your teeth, take a shower, make a cup of coffee, take care of you. You’re important and your daughter needs you, hold her tight, I’m sure she’s going through her own grief of losing her Dad. Keep posting on here and reading others stories. It’s very helpful. Try to talk to family and friends and certainly let the tears fall.
    Sending hugs! Robin
     
  20. Dave33085

    Dave33085 Well-Known Member

    AML, my heart aches for you as I know exactly how raw the pain is for you right now. It feels like you are in a tornado and tethered to the ground in the middle of it. I been there. I was married for 33 years and dated my wife for 7 years prior. She died on November 9th (which was our middle son's birthday) and just two days after her own birthday. All this just a couple weeks before Thanksgiving. My wife was 57 and two days old when she died. Never smoked, drank or did drugs but still cancer decided to take up residence in her and torture her for 13 years. I about went crazy but knowing what to do. Some days I would be in the middle of something I didn't remember starting. I know it doesn't seem like it now because your pain is so fresh, it will get better. You will probably never get over this but you find out how to live with the pain. It will soften in time. I promise. Until then, we are here for you to unload on and to listen. My prayers are with you.