It gets worse as time passess...

Discussion in 'Suicide Loss' started by affy, Sep 10, 2020.

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  1. affy

    affy New Member

    Hi All,

    My name is Tom and I lost my dad to suicide last year. I wanted to reach out to as many people as possible to understand how they grieve and how we can help each other. I lost my father in 2019 and it seems that things have gotten worse as time goes on. I find myself almost debilitated 2-3 days per week. If you're interested, please feel free to message me back.

    Thank you,
    Tom
     
  2. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Tom,
    I’m so sorry for the loss of your Dad. I understand how you’re feeling. I lost my husband to a sudden and massive heart attack. Gone from our wonderful life in 2 hours. It’s been 21 months. And I keep thinking, it’s been long enough, time to come home. I need to share so many things with him. You’re not alone in that thought.
    What helps me the most is staying busy, even little things to occupy my mind. On debilitating days, I push myself to get outside and breathe in fresh air, try to get my blood flowing. Plus visiting this site and reading other people’s stories and sharing your own, you learn you’re not alone and how you feel is normal.
    You’ve lost a very important person in your life, take care of you. This journey is long and bumpy but people here get it.
    Robin
     
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  3. affy

    affy New Member

    Hi Robin,

    Thank you for your thoughts and for sharing your story with me. I'm sorry for the sudden loss of your husband, I can't imagine what that feels like. I've been trying to keep busy as that's the only thing that keeps my mind off of it but once I have that free time, whether its in the mornings getting ready for work or settling down and getting ready for bed, those overwhelming feelings of sadness, confusion and even anger just take over my mind. I wish I knew how to take better care of myself and process this loss but it's such a roadblock for me. Is there anything that you do to help put your mind at ease when those feelings overcome you?

    Tom
     
  4. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Hi Tom,
    Thank you! It’s debilitating. Nothing in my life is the same. We owned a business together and worked together and then together on weekends. I had to close our business and now I’m retired. There’s no work to go to to occupy my mind and time. I miss our schedule, I miss everything, not one thing is like the life we had. I know exactly what you speak of, I know the feeling the torture, the anger. I get it and others here do too.
    Afraid there’s no magic way to help us through that. But I know people have found inspirational music to help them or put tv on as a distraction. Neither of those helped me personally, but everyone is different. It might help you. It has taken me a long time to be able to listen to music, I can now but it’s not always a peaceful outcome. Tv, Ron watched tv all the time, if he was home the tv was on. So I’m dealing with some guilt there, I shouldn’t watch if he can’t, type of thing. I watch in the evening and sometimes it stays on all night. There’s so much loneliness. But I did find that breathing exercises helped me. Here’s a link that shows you and describes how to do it. I find it helpful, not everyone does. But worth a try.
    https://www.anxietycoach.com/breathingexercise.html
    Do you have siblings going through the loss too? Or your Mom? Someone to talk to who understands. I have my daughter, in fact she moved in with me for quite a while and we’d support each other. Cry, be angry, sad, whatever. Just get some of the angst out. Crying is very therapeutic, or verbalizing your feelings. I don’t know if I’ve offered any help but I’ve given you a few things to try. I found this site 11 months after my husband passed and that’s when I started to feel some better. Talking with people who understand is kind of like a warm hug.
    Your Dad, my husband and everyone else’s loved one want us to push forward, they don’t want us suffering even though it’s inevitable. We can’t touch them but they’re with us forever. We need to make them proud and push forward as best we can. It’s hard.
     
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  5. affy

    affy New Member

    Hi Robin,

    Thanks for that information, I will definitely check it out and give it a try. I do have siblings and my mom to talk to about the loss but its all so different for us and I sometimes find it hard to talk to them in fear it will trigger them. But I have moved back in with my mom so that we can support each other and I've found that being together is helping us both.

    At the end of the day I know that I have to be resilient and turn this pain into strength but its so hard to do.

    Thanks again for sharing and for being so helpful.

    Tom
     
  6. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Hi Tom,
    I think it’s a good plan to be together. Having support is huge! I know you’re each dealing in your own ways, and your loss is different. But if your Dad and the loss of him is on your mind continually, it’s most definitely on your Mom’s mind. He’s never out of her thoughts. Talking and sharing and crying are all part of the healing process. Let the crying happen and definitely talk about him. Talking is so important. He wasn’t well and it’s sad he didn’t choose a different path, one that may have helped him heal or get past his demons. He didn’t want to hurt any of his family, he couldn’t help himself.
    You’re right it’s very hard to go down this path, you know doesn’t want you in this pain. Use him as your strength to keep going.