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It’s Just Me Now

Discussion in 'Dealing With Multiple Losses' started by justeilhsa, Nov 22, 2020.

  1. justeilhsa

    justeilhsa New Member

    I’m new to all of this, so I apologize if this isn’t the right place or how this works.

    My loss(es) are both straight forward and complicated. Since August of 2018, I have gone through multiple deaths of family members and beloved pets and the loss of my structure and family.

    My most heart breaking and hardest loss was my mother in May of 2019. She contracted a painful and aggressive bacterial disease that claimed her life after a week of fighting. I stayed in hospice with her mostly alone for the whole week. A little more than a month, after my grandfather passed, my husband stated he wanted to file for divorce and I had to put the grief of my mother on hold to grieve the loss of my other support pillar while figuring out life. In an odd way, that felt like a death too.

    Thanksgiving through Christmas was my mother’s and my jam. We decorated, had our traditions, baked, and with my birthday a week before Christmas, she would take that whole week off to shop and play games together. Much like last year, I have been in a constant state of sadness and crying since Halloween. Nothing is the same without her. And going through a separation without her makes everything all that more difficult.

    I do things to honor her and our traditions daily and it helps of course. This time of year though if seems nothing really brings me comfort. All the skills and ideas and ways to keep her memory alive just kind of make it all worse and the empty hole seems hot and endless.

    It’s just not the same to decorate and bake without her, but it won’t stop me from doing it.

    My brothers birthday is also at the beginning of December. He was my latest loss; he passed from a drug and alcohol overdose in April and thus will be the first holiday and birthday season without him. It was our tradition that my family would host Thanksgiving and his family would host Christmas and we made a big, happy gathering of the occasions. This year now, it’s just me and my cat and the ideas in the world make it better and not at the same time.

    I know I’m not the only one, and I have a great support network now, but there’s only so much they can understand.