It’s been just about a year since my oldest son took his life.

Discussion in 'Suicide Loss' started by My3sons, Mar 14, 2020.

  1. My3sons

    My3sons New Member

    I am surviving, existing, but far from living my life. I’m not sure if I will ever be able to. My son was a smart strong beautiful soul who would help anyone, He was also very good at faking it. And he did such a good job, I didn’t see it coming. He had struggled with depression and anxiety for years, but finally seemed to be doing better. Or so he liked us to believe. I’d left our home town to go look after my dying father 7 hours away. I was there 8.5 months. I thought he was going ok. He’d FaceTime us with his kids, visit when he could.. he wanted us to not worry, because of the man he was... I was with my Father the morning my son died. He had a court case in the morning, and hadn’t showed. His lawyer called me. So I spent the next 1/2 hr trying to call, fb message, text.. and finally I asked his 20 year old brother to go look for him. My last text to him was I love you. I don’t know if he saw it. When my youngest son arrived there was a note on the shed door. Do not enter call 911. He opened it to see his brother sitting there. I won’t give details, but it’s something my youngest will never get over.. I was on the phone trying to reach my kids when my dying father knocked on my door. I opened it and he said oh baby, Brandon is dead, he killed himself. We screamed and cried and prayed the emts could bring him back... they couldn’t.
     
  2. griefic

    griefic Administrator Staff Member

    I am so very sorry for this very tragic loss, and all you've had to cope with. Losing a love one to suicide brings with it so many complicated emotions of guilt and sadness - bringing with it more questions than answers. I'm including here an article I wrote on losing a loved one to suicide, I hope it can be of some help to you: https://www.griefincommon.com/blog/suicide-overdose-5-things-only-survivors-understand/.
    In the meanwhile, I thank you for joining us. Please continue to check in and reach out to others, it can help. Also, if you find people don't respond to your unique post, they are often more interactive with existing threads under see and share stories. So give that a try if you haven't already.
    Please take care of yourself, I hope we can connect again~
     
  3. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member

    My3sons,

    So sorry for the loss of your son. The feeling of helplessness is such a strong emotion after you have suffered this death.

    Griefic your article is such a wonderful tool for us. I myself was with my dad when his brother hung himself, after his wife died the day before. I can see you have such amazing insight on the subject. Dad found his brother and I am not sure what happened next. At night at the table as we were all gathered you couldn’t help but cry with the news. Dad didn’t show his emotions that day, but mom and us kids sure did.

    My3sons, please keep talking, and allow your emotions to be set free, as I know they can eat you up inside if you keep them to yourself. Your grandchildren must be so lost and broken hearted.

    I hope you will never let despair get ahold of you and I will do so as well. It will take time to heal inside, and what tomorrow will bring is such an unknown. Just take time, take care of yourself, keep in contact with family and friends. Talk as much as you like and we will be here for you.

    For now peace be with you tonight.

    -david

    This song is for you