Hi to anyone who can read this. My name is Tina. I'm new here. My sister-in-law recommended this website to see if this could help me. I lost my husband last month. It was very sudden. He was my backbone. He was the reason I smile. He was the reason I could do things. We had good plans for the future... and then now, it's just all me now, all by myself. I've done some grieving counseling through my work. I also have my in-laws and friends who check on me from time to time, but despite the support I'm getting, it just feels not enough because I'm looking for my husband, like how he would comfort me when I'm upset or having a rough day. Last week, I just had my birthday, and it was the most painful birthday. Few days before he passed away, he surprised me with my favorite ice cream. I did not eat the ice cream until my birthday. I was crying the whole time while eating the ice cream. It was the last thing he bought for me. Until now I find it hard to believe he is gone. I'm in so much pain. I'm heartbroken. I'm shattered. I lost interest in anything. My bereavement leave was over, and right now I'm using my vacation leaves at work because I can't work. I was told keeping myself busy can help. So, I tried to go back working after my bereavement leave, and it did not turn out okay. I found myself just staring at the monitor while the tears were rolling in my cheeks. I know I need to pick myself up one day, but right now I don't feel like doing anything. I miss my husband. I need my husband back. I need him to tell me what to do... and of course, I am aware he's not coming back. He's gone. Each day is a struggle. I know he is gone, but somehow inside me is looking for him in all corners in our house, in the garage where he'd fix his bike, in the yard where he would take care of the plants, in the couch watching his NCIS and Bull episodes, and in the kitchen cooking. I lost interest in anything, and it's scary. Right now, the only thing that could make me get up is our cats. Yeah, he left me with 2 cats. They love to go out in the morning. They would jump on the bed and meow loud to wake me up. My husband planted me some tulips last fall. The tulips are blooming, but I find it painful to look at them. Although, I make sure I water them every day because my husband planted them for me. The tulips show how much my husband loved me. I have so many happy memories with my husband, but for some reasons, they bring me so much pain than happiness. I don't know if I could even smile again like I used too. I know I must carry on, but I find it hard. Sometimes, I find myself in deep thought trying to figure out where should I start to live again. I must carry on, but how? I miss my husband, and I wish I could see him one more time. Our pictures and videos together are just so painful to look at. My inner self is wanting to see him one more time and get him to tell me how can I carry on.