I'm Lost Without Him

Discussion in 'Coping After a Sudden Loss' started by TinaG, May 29, 2020.

  1. TinaG

    TinaG New Member

    Hi to anyone who can read this. My name is Tina. I'm new here. My sister-in-law recommended this website to see if this could help me. I lost my husband last month. It was very sudden. He was my backbone. He was the reason I smile. He was the reason I could do things. We had good plans for the future... and then now, it's just all me now, all by myself. I've done some grieving counseling through my work. I also have my in-laws and friends who check on me from time to time, but despite the support I'm getting, it just feels not enough because I'm looking for my husband, like how he would comfort me when I'm upset or having a rough day. Last week, I just had my birthday, and it was the most painful birthday. Few days before he passed away, he surprised me with my favorite ice cream. I did not eat the ice cream until my birthday. I was crying the whole time while eating the ice cream. It was the last thing he bought for me. Until now I find it hard to believe he is gone. I'm in so much pain. I'm heartbroken. I'm shattered. I lost interest in anything. My bereavement leave was over, and right now I'm using my vacation leaves at work because I can't work. I was told keeping myself busy can help. So, I tried to go back working after my bereavement leave, and it did not turn out okay. I found myself just staring at the monitor while the tears were rolling in my cheeks. I know I need to pick myself up one day, but right now I don't feel like doing anything. I miss my husband. I need my husband back. I need him to tell me what to do... and of course, I am aware he's not coming back. He's gone. Each day is a struggle. I know he is gone, but somehow inside me is looking for him in all corners in our house, in the garage where he'd fix his bike, in the yard where he would take care of the plants, in the couch watching his NCIS and Bull episodes, and in the kitchen cooking. I lost interest in anything, and it's scary. Right now, the only thing that could make me get up is our cats. Yeah, he left me with 2 cats. They love to go out in the morning. They would jump on the bed and meow loud to wake me up. My husband planted me some tulips last fall. The tulips are blooming, but I find it painful to look at them. Although, I make sure I water them every day because my husband planted them for me. The tulips show how much my husband loved me. I have so many happy memories with my husband, but for some reasons, they bring me so much pain than happiness. I don't know if I could even smile again like I used too. I know I must carry on, but I find it hard. Sometimes, I find myself in deep thought trying to figure out where should I start to live again. I must carry on, but how? I miss my husband, and I wish I could see him one more time. Our pictures and videos together are just so painful to look at. My inner self is wanting to see him one more time and get him to tell me how can I carry on.
    JoNas likes this.
  2. Kieron

    Kieron Guest

    I am very sorry to read about this loss, especially on a day like your birthday and having to spend it without him. It's very natural to feel shattered. That's a good word for it. It feels like your heart has been ripped out. I remember being rather surprised to find that there wasn't an actual hole in my chest, in those days afterward. It sure felt like there was. I also experienced a great deal of pain in my shoulders and arms, which I think was where I carried a lot of my grief.

    Your loss is so fresh, after one month, that you have every right to feel this: "I know I need to pick myself up one day, but right now I don't feel like doing anything." and "I lost interest in anything, and it's scary." That's natural. All of it is natural, normal and expected. You're going to feel what you feel. As someone wise told me, "Feelings are not facts." You will feel any number of things-- anger, sadness, apathy, neutral, etc. but that doesn't mean you are a bad person for whatever it is you feel.

    Do what you can, and if you need to take a break to cry, or to try to rest, then do it and try not to blame yourself for any perceived shortcomings. You've endured a major blow to your very soul and this is a time to be in touch with your grief. Unfortunately, many societies around the world don't give grieving people a lot of support. In the US, the "standard" bereavement leave is 3 days. Three whole days, as if that is enough for a person to "get over" the loss of a life mate. Utter foolishness. After I lost my partner, a Native American woman I met told me that, in her culture, as the partner of the deceased, I would have been given a year-long break from any and all social obligation, such as events, customs, and so forth. I found that interesting and a very civilized approach to the complete overturning of a life when someone has died. Instead, society expected me to be "over it" pretty darn quick.

    I hope that this place provides you with some measure of support.
    lilly and JoNas like this.
  3. Jerico

    Jerico Member

  4. Jerico

    Jerico Member

    You write such sense. I'm a bereaved woman in the UK who still often aches and cries for my husband who died unexpectedly 12 months ago. Ive had, and am still having, counselling because it has been such a massive loss. I still take baby steps and still feel raw, so one month is like 1 minute ago and no time at all. Cry as much as you can and want, and talk to your beloved too. It all helps. I'm not there yet if 'there' means coping, but evrry day I hope to be slightly strongrr. I expect to have some backward stepsvkn time, but hopefully am moving forward without my reason for living. Toughesg and most horrible thing I've ever gone through. Blessings.
    JoNas and lilly like this.
  5. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry for the sudden loss of your husband. Nothing can prepare you for the pain that hits after such a loss. Losing our soul mate is so painful. I also lost my husband suddenly, he had a massive heart attack, that took him from me in two hours. My life was turned up down, nothing the same, the loss devastating. My loss was 18 months ago, I still have struggles but I’m doing so much better since I found this site.
    Afraid everything you mention, tends to be a normal feeling. Loneliness, scared, everyday struggles. Everyone on here understands your pain, we know how it feels, you’re not alone. Keep posting, sharing and reading on here, it’s very helpful.
    Staying busy does tend to be helpful, but don’t push too hard, only do what you can. Let the tears fall, they are helpful. It’s a slow long process with steps backwards along with forward.
    There will be better days ahead, keep working towards them
    lilly likes this.
  6. @APPY

    @APPY Active Member

    Hello TinaG this is Appy. I lost my father almost a month back. After my loss someone told me " this is natural some one from the world leaves every second" .... i just kept quiet. Probably because she is correct. But one thing she failed to realise that when someone who is in himself " the world" to you leaves you midway there is a black hole in your heart all the happiness dreams future plannings get lost in the black hole. My dad was precisely everything to him. Losing him is my first confrontation with grief. I do sometimes think something somewhere is defntly wrong and dad will be home anytime. I beg of him to call me by my name and to visit me in dreams. I never thought I can make a single day without him . Resuming work sometimes help but it too takes a toll on u at times especially when your phone rings at a particular time and the name flashing is different than wht u expctd. Or u think of sharing something hastily u pick up the phone to give a call and suddenly realise ... there will be no reply from the one u were trying to contact. Time will teach us to survive with the wounds . Guess what they have taken away a part of us with them and have left behind a part of them with us. It is worth giving it a try to start living again fr the part they hv left with us.
    Best regards
    JoNas and lilly like this.
  7. @APPY

    @APPY Active Member

    Dear kieron there is no bereavement leave concept in India . So we mourn we get shattered we face loss of pay and we work ! No leave is enough to compensate the loss of someone so dear to us still it gives you time to get back on your feet. It should be implemented everywhere around the globe. Take care. Best wishes
    Regards Appy
  8. @APPY

    @APPY Active Member

    Hello Robin how are you ? Where have you been? Long time no see. Apart from loneliness and sorrow and apathy i feel jealous abt people who hv their parents alive and with them. This is a incorrigible damage done to us . I am clueless how will I survive fr the rest of my life .
    Regards Appy
  9. skies24

    skies24 Well-Known Member

    Gosh I’m sorry for your pain. I feel ever word you wrote. Keep talking here. It will help. The tears rolling down at your computer at work I get that. God last month for me was awful. Then last week was okay. Today not so good. I’m looking forward to better days.
    lilly likes this.
  10. paul tinker

    paul tinker Well-Known Member

    They will happen
    JoNas likes this.
  11. Sweetcole

    Sweetcole Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry for your loss. I no every day is a challenge so jus pray through each one. There is no time limit on when things will get easier to deal with. Time want heal the pain but itll make it easier to deal with one day. I dnt no when that day will be but I pray you have strength to get through it. I lost my fiancee 2 months ago and I feel like a piece of me is gone. I feel like i failed him some how in the end. I was crying every day and night. Praying for strength has been making it easier to deal with. I had a rough day today though. I get that the cats keep you going that's good. We have two small kids so they keep me going. Everything I do I do for them. I pray things get easier for you but take it one day at a time.
    JoNas, Liley773 and lilly like this.
  12. Kathy2326

    Kathy2326 New Member

  13. Kathy2326

    Kathy2326 New Member

    I feel your pain my husband died Jan 27 2020 it was sudden and unexpected we to had plans we were never apart we worked to gather play together it been 4 months I am working but it like I going through the motion but I have no feelings I am numb and covid robbed us of a memorial so we are all still waiting g to say good by I will keep you in my thought
    lilly likes this.
  14. Jannyb

    Jannyb Member

    Hi Tina

    It's my birthday today. I lost my fiance of 18 years, one month ago. He broke his neck in a cycling accident. Sitting in bed, knowing he's not going to bounce in with a silly card and a cup of birthday tea. Every word you said is how I feel. I am mentality and physically broken, like all capacity has shut down.

    He was my support 100%. I never needed, or wanted, to talk to anyone else. He was a chatty man. Now, the silence is unbearable.

    I miss him tinkering with his bikes too. It was his weekend fun.

    The one thing I've learned in a month is that we have to get support from people who have experienced this. Anyone who hasn't cannot understand, or cope with our grief.

    I've withdrawn from some people because they tell me what I have to do all the time. How the **** do they know what I have to do when they have not lost the love of their life!!

    I'm talking to a widow who a friend introduced to me. She lost her husband 6 years ago to sudden death. She's been perfect for just listening and saying the right things.

    I think we need each other to help us through the pain. It won't take it away, but might help with the abysmal loneliness of life without them, if we feel our grief is understood
    Sweetcole and lilly like this.
  15. Sweetcole

    Sweetcole Well-Known Member

    First of all Happy Birthday fellow Gemni. Mines is Wednesday. What you said is true people that havnt been through this cant tell you how to feel cause they dont no what it's like. We have lost a part of us. People often try to compare it to others losses they've had. I'm here to say this is like no other loss I've had. I'm glad you have someone to talk to that understands wat you going through.
  16. JoNas

    JoNas Member

    HI Tina. I empathize so much with you.I feel exactly the same way,except it's my Mom.We only had each other.All our close family,grandparents,and brother passed before Mom.Now I am left totally alone without my most beautiful loved ones. I fight to live,for me,for them.Unlike you,I have no support system.Few authentic friends.No children. Do you have kids?
    Tina,we miss them so,because they were the only ones that 'got us',loved us unconditionally.We had everything in this life,in that person. A huge part of me is gone with Mom,and the rest. On a brighter side Tina,we are still here.Must be for a reason. And,we are blessed to have loved (and lost), to have been loved,by one incredible person.Keep going for them,for you.I know I can't stand this 'new normal',so to speak. But,I have to trust that the Creator knows best. If I keep 'swimming against the current', I will drown. My loved ones would not like that.My despair is huge.It is not easy Tina. Whoever we all have lost,on this site, WE have one another. WE are not alone. All love.×××
  17. JoNas

    JoNas Member

    HI Tina.Do you know you are the first person here,that got me to post,after months of reading only. Thank you Tina. What really hurts is,for now,all happy memories, surrounded by all their stuff they left behind, hurts,when all this should bring peace and joy,not pain. Love××
  18. JoNas

    JoNas Member

    Happy.Thanku.I love this. Yes,we have a part of them,and they,us.And yes,I must remember to always live for the beautiful part of them,and their love that is in me.××
  19. JoNas

    JoNas Member

    So true my friend.I totally relate.