I'm going through the motions but dead at the root

Discussion in 'Finding it Difficult to Move Foward' started by Helen Kirby, Jun 18, 2018.

  1. Helen Kirby

    Helen Kirby New Member

    I lost my husband in November of 2017 to a battle with cancer. He was my main squeeze. Someone I trusted, loved and had a blast with. I continue to move forward by going to work every day, seizing the opportunity to do things that people invite me to do but I am so incredibly lost. So many things to learn new, so many emotions to deal with and it is all so final. I feel like I don't have a purpose. I keep telling myself that millions of people go through this and survive. I have trouble focusing, faith and fun right now. My insides are dead at the root.
     
  2. I lost my husband to a 4 year battle with cancer in August 2016, 1 month before our 19th anniversary. 5 montha later my son hung himself 1 month before his 19th birthday. I am new here and signed up because nothing else is helping me cope. I am still completely dysfuntional and cannot hold down a job or anything, which i have never had any problems with. I am 9 days sober and trying to stay that way but every single day is a nightmare for me.
     
  3. griefic

    griefic Administrator Staff Member

    To Helen & Forever Mrs. Johnson... I'm so sorry for both of you and the losses you face.
    I think you both describe grief in a way that so many people can relate to. It takes a very long time to adjust to life after loss. Because that's so much of what we don't expect or maybe don't recognize - loss is loss but it is also adjustment and change. A change we never asked for. Knowing just how we're supposed to go on is something we've never been "trained" to do. So we do the best we can - go through the motions and try to make it through each day. The best thing I can say to you is to be forgiving of yourself, as well as patient with both yourself and the process of grief. This horrible feeling of grief is the skin we cannot shed, the shadow that we just can't shake. It follows us wherever we go. So perhaps learning to live with loss is about making space for it. Finding where it fits. Knowing that life can't ever "go back" to what it was before, but trying to find space for the grief in the life that remains. Finally, I notice Helen that you mention the word "purpose" and I think that is the most challenging and most important task for the griever: finding purpose. This can be a lot of different things and will be different for every single griever. But purpose is out there. And it may take trial and error to find it, but if you can both find a purpose it will be what turns the corner for you. And remember, "purpose" doesn't have to be some big huge endeavor like starting your own non profit. Finding purpose is as simple as "what's going to get me out of bed tomorrow?". And if you can answer that today taking it one day at a time, and then every day after ask that same question (and maybe each day it changes!), things will slowly start to fall into place.
    And for Forever Mrs. Johnson I hope you are working through sobriety with some support, that is so important for you right now. If you need to find resources for an AA group in your area you can always contact your local hospital or churches in your area or you can reach out to me individually at karnold@griefincommon.com. It may take a few days but I will do my best to find something in your area for you.
    I wish you both well. It is so brave to seek support. Please realize how big a step that is. To me it's always a sign that it's going to be okay. It takes strength to look for and accept support. I truly hope you find it here. All my best~
     
  4. griefic

    griefic Administrator Staff Member

    To Helen & Forever Mrs. Johnson... I'm so sorry for both of you and the losses you face.
    I think you both describe grief in a way that so many people can relate to. It takes a very long time to adjust to life after loss. Because that's so much of what we don't expect or maybe don't recognize - loss is loss but it is also adjustment and change. A change we never asked for. Knowing just how we're supposed to go on is something we've never been "trained" to do. So we do the best we can - go through the motions and try to make it through each day. The best thing I can say to you is to be forgiving of yourself, as well as patient with both yourself and the process of grief. This horrible feeling of grief is the skin we cannot shed, the shadow that we just can't shake. It follows us wherever we go. So perhaps learning to live with loss is about making space for it. Finding where it fits. Knowing that life can't ever "go back" to what it was before, but trying to find space for the grief in the life that remains. Finally, I notice Helen that you mention the word "purpose" and I think that is the most challenging and most important task for the griever: finding purpose. This can be a lot of different things and will be different for every single griever. But purpose is out there. And it may take trial and error to find it, but if you can both find a purpose it will be what turns the corner for you. And remember, "purpose" doesn't have to be some big huge endeavor like starting your own non profit. Finding purpose is as simple as "what's going to get me out of bed tomorrow?". And if you can answer that today taking it one day at a time, and then every day after ask that same question (and maybe each day it changes!), things will slowly start to fall into place.
    And for Forever Mrs. Johnson I hope you are working through sobriety with some support, that is so important for you right now. If you need to find resources for an AA group in your area you can always contact your local hospital or churches in your area or you can reach out to me individually at karnold@griefincommon.com. It may take a few days but I will do my best to find something in your area for you.
    I wish you both well. It is so brave to seek support. Please realize how big a step that is. To me it's always a sign that it's going to be okay. It takes strength to look for and accept support. I truly hope you find it here. All my best~
     
    Julien likes this.
  5. Mcrich

    Mcrich New Member

    I also struggle to find purpose since I lost my Mum in November last year. I have been surprised at just how much it has thrown me. The whole experience has been far worse than I could have imagined. Even with a close and supportive family and friends too, it is still such a lonely and isolating experience. I went back to work very quickly in December and ended up needing to take some more time recently. I've just returned now and feel the job I once loved and had so much passion for is now so lack lustre. I worry if I'll ever be able to find real meaning in it again. I live alone, which can be hard. I try to visit my step dad several times a week as I worry about him being alone all the time. I feel totally lost at the moment and overwhelmed by what the future holds. It is hard to find my purpose again....
     
  6. Ray G.

    Ray G. Well-Known Member

    Hello Helen K.
    Yes I know what you mean.
    I lost my wife of 1 yr and 76
    days. Way too short a marriage
    But walking pneumonia could
    care less.

    I think someone once said,
    "You can not have more than
    one emotion at a time."

    I so don't agree with that.
    I think that death of a loved
    one brings out more feelings
    than anything else could.

    I am very sorry for your loss,
    Helen. If you want to talk to
    me, feel free. I have been thru
    this like 3 times in 9 years,
    different every time.
     
    Ashley Young likes this.
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  8. I’m new to this site and not quite sure how it works but....
    The nights are the worst! I lost my Bestest friend in my entire world! He was my savior, my rock, my Mtn Man! He could do and fix Anything!! Everyone loved him! He was a Park Ranger and just loved people!
    We’d walk into a room and he was like the ‘Norm!’ On Cheers! People only knew me because of him. Now that he’s gone I’m at a loss as to what to do. ESPECIALLY Living in Florida where I have only family, no friends really, just old folks in the Mobile Home Park we moved into.... I don’t know how to be alone. Do you feel that way? How does someone just get out and do things when they hate being alone!??! Do you know? What have you done so far? Please let me know ❤️
     
  9. Sara K Hatch

    Sara K Hatch Well-Known Member

    Hi Nancy, My husband was the same to me. We did everything together. I was an artist and he supported me by driving to art festivals, helping me sell my work and even did some shows by himself. We were together 46 years.
    After he passed I was in a numb state for weeks. I started out slowly to be social. Went to my religious center for devotions, went to a friend's home once a week for a devotional breakfast, I attended two sessions for grief support, saw a nurse practitioner who prescribed meds for depression which I am still on. I joined a spiritual discussion group that met weekly, kept a meet-up going in my home that I had started while my husband was alive. I also joined a choir while he was living and continued with that. Have you heard of Threshold Choir? It's a group of people who rehearse once a week and then some in the choir usually 3 or 4 of us go to the Hospice House and sing soothing songs to the people who are dying or on respite. I also joined a writing group which meets once a week. Some days I have to force myself out of the door. I feel so down that I don't want to go but when I am around people I am much happier. I think joining a group that interests you is a good way to get to know others and if you are a church, temple, center kind of person go there for spiritual help. It's only been a year and 1/2 since my dear one passed and some days are hard. Being around people of common interests has been a life saver for me.
     
  10. Sara K Hatch

    Sara K Hatch Well-Known Member

    And yes! I don't like being alone. I got an Amazon Prime Firestick which has 1000s of choices in movies, documentaries, music, TV shows, games, etc. You buy the firestick, plug it into your TV, plug the other end into an electric socket and watch for FREE!!!!!!!! It's worth the $50.00 for the equipment. Keeps me in good company when I am alone at home.
     
  11. debbiethatsme

    debbiethatsme New Member

    Boy o Boy! Do I get it. Doing things people ask me to do it invite me to do. My mind says “ no” if ever I felt like the outsider, this is it 10 fold. I think it is as if we are now the round peg in a square holder. We just don’t fit. I am so glad to read your post. I thought I was crazy. Everyone says it gets better. I have to wonder :(. Huge hugs from me to you !