I'm 24 and lost my mom (51) 2 months ago

Discussion in 'Loss of a Parent' started by kayp, May 17, 2020.

  1. kayp

    kayp New Member

    Two months ago on March 12th, I woke up to 8 missed calls from my step dad and a text, I chose to read the text before calling him back and the text just read "mom is dead please call me". She passed in her sleep. In the last several years her health had declined, she suffered from severe depression and alcoholism and was constantly getting sick because she didn't eat. She got a SUI last year and it put a heavy burden on our relationship. I tried to set boundaries so I didn't speak to her as much, and was mad at her for choosing alcohol over a relationship with me, and then all of a sudden she was gone. I didn't get to say goodbye or tell her I loved her. The complicated part of this is that my step dad (whom I have never had a good relationship with) enabled this behavior, he bought her alcohol and allowed her to go days without eating rather than seek out help to get her better. She passed away two days before my state went on pandemic lockdown, and I have not received her toxicology report or cause of death yet. I am scared to let myself start healing because I am scared of what is going to be on that report and if it will rip the wounds wide open again. I miss her
     

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  2. TJones

    TJones Active Member

    Hi Kavn,

    I’m sorry about the loss of your mom. I lost my father on March 15, 2020. I know the unanswered questions weigh heavily on you. I’m sorry, as a daughter, you had to see your mom travel a troubled path. I also understand you have to set boundaries in order to keep yourself on tract. Speaking as a mom of two daughters, one of which is your age - trust me when I say, your mom knew you loved her. Don’t beat yourself up because you weren’t able to personally say goodbye. That was beyond your control. You can tell her now. Should you wish to talk or just need to vent - I’m here.

    TJ
     
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  3. Chris C

    Chris C Member

    I am so sorry and feel your pain on so many levels, I also loss my mom on March 12th, no goodbyes, no lunch in or meeting friends or family. and alcoholism has hit just about every member of my family except mom for some reason. I know enough to know you had no real choice of any kind to protect yourself other than to stay away. I have been sober over 20 years and watched close up it take, a sister, friends, and other family members and do know for sure....with 20 years of staying sobor and everything I knew....I still cant help unless they ready. I don't know what helps that light bulb go off on me or anyones else but I do the pain it causes to everyone around watching and not knowing what to do. Non of this changes your loss, that will never change. But please don't carry the extra load of not being there.
    You are in my thoughts and prayers to find your way though this grief.

    All my best Chris
     
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  4. ellenld12

    ellenld12 New Member

    Hi there. I recently lost my mom too, on April 23rd. I'm so sorry for your loss, and I feel similar frustrations, pain, and guilt. I didn't get to say goodbye to my mom either. She was in the hospital...again...when she died. Even though she has been so sick, it feels so sudden. Because of all this crap with COVID-19 I didn't get to hug her the last time I saw her, and I didn't get to be with her at all in the hospital when she was in the ICU or when she passed. I just feel so torn up about not being there. I miss her so much, and last night I started crying because the sky was purple, and purple is her favorite color. I, too, had recently been trying to set up boundaries with my mom. I'm 30, and I was constantly finding myself being pulled back in to unhealthy family drama. I was trying to maintain my boundaries and not try to always take care of her and make her take care of herself. She made some choices, which definitely impacted her health. She was only 66 when she died, and I still had so many things I wanted to do with her. I just feel like I'm so lost and alone right now, and I just miss her so much. I keep having the thought I should call her, and then it all hits me again that she's not there. I don't know if this is helpful at all for you, but I just wanted you to know you're not alone. I'm just sharing all of this so maybe you can see that others are feeling similarly to you. I hope you can find peace as you continue to move forward through this loss. I recently watched a TED talk about moving forward and not moving on (https://www.ted.com/talks/nora_mcin...ad&utm_medium=referral&utm_source=tedcomshare). I found this perspective kind of helpful. My mom is still here and she is still a part of my life. She doesn't go away, it just looks different now I guess. I'm kind of still wrapping my head around all of this, but anyway. I'm rambling on now...just take care of yourself. I'm here if you want to talk.