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I Wonder.......

Discussion in 'LGBT Loss' started by Jasper, Jul 15, 2020.

  1. Jasper

    Jasper Member

    My husband of 24 years died May 5, '20 6 months after his pancreatic cancer diagnosis. It came out of the blue. He seemed healthy. We had a long future ahead of us. He us 60 y.o., I was 72. We often talked about one of us dying my the expectation was that I would die first. We had hospice and I was able to care for him to his death. I was the only one with him at the time. It haunts me yet I'm so glad I was able to be there to care for him. I know he knew I was with him until he died. He was not able to speak, but he had a tear in his eye and a grimace on his face just before he died. I believe he was crying in saying good-bye. Afterward I cried 'til it felt my guts were coming up. Over and over it happened. This has been the hardest grieving I've ever done. Coming out was so difficult with lots of grief, but this has been so intense and it continues on and on. Is there life after his death? I don't know. It certainly holds less interest without him. I'm not suicidal but if I die it wouldn't be such a bad thing. I'm hoping to hang on for a year to see where I am. Feeling lost and the extreme loneliness is so difficult.

    I want to believe I'm strong enough to get through this grieving. I wonder.
    I want to believe there is life after his death. I wonder.
    I want to believe I'll feel joy and happiness someday. I wonder.
    I want to believe I'll be O.K. going through the rest of my life. I wonder.
    I want to believe I'll be able to stay here at Old Winter's Place
    (our home.) I wonder.
    I want to believe I'll not be sad like this forever. I wonder.
    I want to believe that I'll always love him. I do.
    I want to believe I'll learn to carry him close in my heart
    without the intense yearning and loneliness I now feel. I wonder.
    I want to believe I'll regain interest in my art. I wonder.
    I want to believe that I'll learn how to be a friend. I wonder.
    I want to believe I'll find a place to invest my heart again. I don't.
    I want to believe I'll not feel this emptiness for the rest
    of my life I don't.
    I want to believe life still has meaning and adventure. I don't.
    I want to believe I'll make it through this day. I do.
     
  2. edj9

    edj9 Well-Known Member

    Hi Jasper. Chuck and I got married in 2014, but had been together since 1991. He was my first love. He died Dec 12, 2019, after several hours of surgery in an unsuccessful attempt to fix his dying heart. He was still drugged up when they let me in to see him, and was in fact quite happy. I sat with him and let him fade away thinking that he was coming home soon. Then when I realized he was gone, I practically climbed on top of him and begged him to stay. I sat with his body for 4 hours, unable to look away because I knew it would be the last time I saw his face, but also in abject horror at the lifelessness. My mind just couldn’t process it. I keep thinking that I could see him breathing, and expected him to snort or snore, or grind his teeth. Then the nurse came in to tell me it wasn’t good to leave the body for so long. The memory of that instant and that sudden feeling of being plunged into the void is still so visceral. I, too, wouldn’t regret it if I just expired right now. I don’t feel I have anything to live for. I’m just going through the motions of life.
     
  3. Jasper

    Jasper Member

    Thank you for the reply. His birthday is coming up. I’m with family and we’re sending a balloon off tonight with some messages in it. It’s definitely sad for me and I’m grateful that the idea came from my daughters.
     
  4. edj9

    edj9 Well-Known Member

    It’s good you’re with family. Everyone needs someone to lean on sometimes.