i wish he takes me with him

Discussion in 'Coping After a Sudden Loss' started by mmasci, Jun 17, 2020.

  1. mmasci

    mmasci New Member

    This is the first thing I write about him since I lost him. I am still in shock and maybe I don't have the right words to express how lost and devastated I feel. My world just fell apart after I received the call from my brother telling me that my dad had died. I am still so angry at myself for failing to protect him, for not anticipating this. He died in a car accident while trying to take his oldest brother, my uncle, back to his city (my dad is originally from this city, so he owuld also visit his family). My uncle was very sick and living temporarily with my dad because he was receiving medical treatment. My aunt, his wife, didn't want him to die away from his daugherts. My dad always loved to help everyone he could so he accepted to take him and his wife by car (there were no flights available due to covid). My dad's youngest brother was going to help driving too. My dad called me that day because it was my husband's birthday (my family and I don't live in the same country because I moved to America 3 years ago). He was already on the road with my uncles and my aunt. This trip is super long, but they had done it many times in the past and all I thought that maybe it was going to be easier with less people on the road. That day I went out with my husband and we went to a reservoir. I contemplated a river for minutes, and had like a bad feeling but I just hoped my dad was going to be fine. The next day I woke up and I had this horrible feeling that something had happened and looked up for some more information on Twitter but I didn't find anything. My brother called me and told me what happened. The car fell into a river, it went 12 meters down. The road had poor indications that there was a bridge and an abbys. It was night time and apparently the car could not illuminate the signs because the lights were too low. All of them died.
    My dad was only 60. He was healthy, beautiful and full of life. He loved life more than I do.
    This is so unfair, absurd and painful and I still cannot wrap my head around what happened. I really wish I could take back time.
    Just thinking of the pain he could have felt breaks my heart and my soul. Thinking I will never see him again, hug him and kiss him. I couldn't tell him how much he meant to me, how much I loved him and how thankful I was. I've always felt some resentment against my parents because they were not there as much as I would have liked. It's ironic and cruel how he left when I was starting to overcome my depression and to feel thankful for my life and to appreciate all the things they did for me.
    Due to covid, I couldn't go to the funeral, and be with my mom and my brother. This worse than any nightmare I could have ever imagined. Of course now I am super depressed and wishing I could be with him again. I miss my mom and my brother though. I am so sad that they have to go through this too. Covid also affected my brother's business and now he is in a lot of debt so things look pretty shitt* at home and knowing I'm not helping my family and thinking of their pain and fear is causing me a lot of anxiety. I don't have a job here and idk if I am in the right mental condition to work. Yesterday I had my swearing-in ceremony to be a lawyer in this country and I burst into tears because my dad was not with me. I can't believe I'll have to spend a father's day without my dad, the only person that made me feel safe in this horrible world. The pain is unbearable and I every day wish I could die to be with him again.
  2. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry for the tragic loss of your Dad. He sounds like such a loving caring person. Caring for his brother the way he did. What a kind man! But please don’t beat yourself up, there’s no way you could know this horrible accident would happen. Believe me, your dad knew how the love you had for him and how thankful you are. Parents know these things. I have two children and I know without a doubt how much they love me. We don’t say it all the time but we all know.
    I’m on this site because I lost my husband suddenly to a massive heart attack. We didn’t have any warning signs, nothing. Came out of no where and he was taken from me in 2 hours. I life turned upside down that awful night. So I do understand your pain and the thoughts and feelings going through hour head. It’s devastating! But your dad knew the love you had for him, and he was taken in a tragic way, but he was also doing what he loved doing. He was caring for his family and loving them as he did so much for them.
    I believe the connection you had with your dad shows in how you had a feeling something g bad happened. You knew before your brother called you. You Dad was watching over you as you were sworn in and he was smiling and a proud Dad.
    Try to take care of yourself, that’s important. Talk with your Mom and brother as much as possible. It helps to talk a out hour feelings. Also this site is very helpful, reading other people’s stories is very helpful, and keep posting. It helps a lot. And everyone on here knows what you’re feeling. You’re not alone in how you feel.
    Take care, Robin.
  3. @APPY

    @APPY Active Member

    Guess what ... i wish the same dear @msmci. If only I were with him on his journey .... my father was the world to me ... he was my strongest pillar of strength mu truest critic and wisest advisor my best friend. My world is so empty without him. I am not writing anything to comfrt you.. just wanting to say you are not alone .. we all are feeling the pain ....
  4. Jack1011

    Jack1011 New Member

    Hello I’m new