This is the first thing I write about him since I lost him. I am still in shock and maybe I don't have the right words to express how lost and devastated I feel. My world just fell apart after I received the call from my brother telling me that my dad had died. I am still so angry at myself for failing to protect him, for not anticipating this. He died in a car accident while trying to take his oldest brother, my uncle, back to his city (my dad is originally from this city, so he owuld also visit his family). My uncle was very sick and living temporarily with my dad because he was receiving medical treatment. My aunt, his wife, didn't want him to die away from his daugherts. My dad always loved to help everyone he could so he accepted to take him and his wife by car (there were no flights available due to covid). My dad's youngest brother was going to help driving too. My dad called me that day because it was my husband's birthday (my family and I don't live in the same country because I moved to America 3 years ago). He was already on the road with my uncles and my aunt. This trip is super long, but they had done it many times in the past and all I thought that maybe it was going to be easier with less people on the road. That day I went out with my husband and we went to a reservoir. I contemplated a river for minutes, and had like a bad feeling but I just hoped my dad was going to be fine. The next day I woke up and I had this horrible feeling that something had happened and looked up for some more information on Twitter but I didn't find anything. My brother called me and told me what happened. The car fell into a river, it went 12 meters down. The road had poor indications that there was a bridge and an abbys. It was night time and apparently the car could not illuminate the signs because the lights were too low. All of them died. My dad was only 60. He was healthy, beautiful and full of life. He loved life more than I do. This is so unfair, absurd and painful and I still cannot wrap my head around what happened. I really wish I could take back time. Just thinking of the pain he could have felt breaks my heart and my soul. Thinking I will never see him again, hug him and kiss him. I couldn't tell him how much he meant to me, how much I loved him and how thankful I was. I've always felt some resentment against my parents because they were not there as much as I would have liked. It's ironic and cruel how he left when I was starting to overcome my depression and to feel thankful for my life and to appreciate all the things they did for me. Due to covid, I couldn't go to the funeral, and be with my mom and my brother. This worse than any nightmare I could have ever imagined. Of course now I am super depressed and wishing I could be with him again. I miss my mom and my brother though. I am so sad that they have to go through this too. Covid also affected my brother's business and now he is in a lot of debt so things look pretty shitt* at home and knowing I'm not helping my family and thinking of their pain and fear is causing me a lot of anxiety. I don't have a job here and idk if I am in the right mental condition to work. Yesterday I had my swearing-in ceremony to be a lawyer in this country and I burst into tears because my dad was not with me. I can't believe I'll have to spend a father's day without my dad, the only person that made me feel safe in this horrible world. The pain is unbearable and I every day wish I could die to be with him again.