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I was a Daddy's Girl!

Discussion in 'Loss of a Parent' started by Daddys_Girl, Nov 17, 2018.

  1. Daddys_Girl

    Daddys_Girl New Member

    Where to begin!

    My dad was 55 when he suffered a major heart attack and eventually had triple bypass surgery. He later developed pulmonary issues. The last few years have been rough him health wise but he would never give up! Instead of tending to his traditional garden (he loved to garden) he substituted a raised garden because he refused to give up.

    Almost 3 weeks ago on a Wednesday my mom messaged me to ask that I come help them because he was having trouble breathing and so was she so she was no help to him. My mom ended up in the hospital by ambulance shortly after I got there and my dad didn't look like he was too far behind her. He was stubborn and waited until Saturday...then got admitted himself for 4 days. He got home that Wednesday. I stayed with him Wednesday nite and he did fine. On Tuesday, just a week later, my mom was to be released after being in the hospital for 2 weeks at that point. She wanted some things from home so I went to check on my dad and get her stuff. What I saw pulling in the driveway was the last thing I expected!!!!

    His feet were visible from the driveway on the other side of the carport. I jumped out screaming "dad". I ran over hoping that he had only fallen and just needed help getting up...boy was I wrong. He was flat on his back. I saw his face, blue, and lifeless. There was nothing. I started CPR and remember screaming "he's not coming back". I screamed over and over I need help while continuing CPR. I felt ribs crack the first couple chest thrusts that I did! I stopped and lifted his eyelids to see his eyes "fixed and dilated" but continued to try. Neighbors came and called 911. I was still screaming "this isn't working". The operator said don't stop so I continued but started becoming very tired so a neighbor took over...I ran for his AED. I came back out and the medics were there. I remember the look on the ones face. It was the calm look of lets put the leads on and pronounce! And that's what they did :(

    The whole experience has had me shook up. All I wanted was for him to wake up and tell me quit messing with him, that he'll get up in a minute, he's fine...just typical him. The thoughts I had of that plus trying to help him knowing (being in the medical field) that it was not going to work. Hence, why I was screaming "this isn't working".

    How do you get the thoughts and sights out of your head. I sat in the house and couldn't go back out after medics left. It took them a little over 4 hours to pick him up out of the yard and all I did was sit inside helpless so that didn't help either.

    I just want to stop remembering the look on his face, the screaming I did, his eyes, feeling the ribs crack...and it won't quit. I pull in the driveway every day to be with my mom and get the visions of his feet there when I glance over through the yard.

    Back when I was 10 I found my grandfather (his dad) the exact same way. In the back yard, on his back, tools beside him on each side that he was putting away. I remember the dogs, the gate, running back over to our house...everything...and that hasn't ever left my mind either in over 40 years. Back then at that age it wasn't even as extensive as this but those thoughts are still there. I can't do these thoughts of my dad for the rest of my life. I've tried occupying my mind with other thoughts of him and all the happy stuff and his silly attitude, and even went to the funeral home to see him with my mom. The view at the funeral home helped because it was a better memory than I had of trying to help him. But that was very short lived!
     
    Boze likes this.
  2. Boze

    Boze Well-Known Member

    Geez :(
     
  3. Tameko

    Tameko New Member

    I’m so sorry
     
  4. Boze

    Boze Well-Known Member

    Thank you.