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I need to know he's ok

Discussion in 'Life After Caregiving' started by Kimberly485, Dec 16, 2020.

  1. Kimberly485

    Kimberly485 New Member

    My husband passed away November 19,2020 after fighting cancer for a year. He was always such a positive upbeat person and he was like that through his illness too. He told everyone he was going to beat it and live for many more years. He did not want to die! I couldn't be with him for treatments at the end because of covid and one day when I picked him up he was crying. He said he knew the end was near because he could feel it in his soul. I cried so hard I had to pull over. On November 2 I brought him hope from the hospital with hospice. He was pretty out of it most of the time. I cannot get that day out of my head. The whole time we were together I saw him cry maybe 3 times, and thinking of that day BREAKS my heart over and over again. He didn't want to die, and because of that I feel like I have to know he's ok. I wonder if I took good enough care of him, if I could have done anything differently. Has anyone experienced this type of guilt and or worry?
  2. paul tinker

    paul tinker Well-Known Member


    The simple answer is absolutely. We go over all this all the time. Maybe some better technique here or there but as cancer does it progresses and consumes all the nutrients that the healthy cells need. I had to learn how to deliver liquid morphine. To deliver nausea medication in advance of needing either. A timing issue for the pain. The exact same. Kay wished to live and fought so hard with a ton of pain to squeeze out each moment. I know with certainty the moment she slumped and was done.

    That is not to say people don't recover. I met a woman in the park. She had lung cancer. Surgery to remove that tissue but healthy tissue was removed. She ended up with radiation and caretakes her severely stoke ridden husband. Several I know have gained years from the current treatments. It always came down to type, when diagnosed or progression, and how much health or vitality a cancer patient has.

    The easy answer is yes. He in this life he is OK just based on not being in pain. That is not what your asking. I did continue to caretake even after her passing. Services and rituals. Mainly a table with fresh flowers some candles, and talking with her. Several both here and others feel a connection with their person. Of course, religion takes on this question.

    I think as you wrote. He is a very upbeat person even in the illness. The same with Kay. I would love to have met your husband. People who are kind and love life. A hard combination to beat. Hard also to not miss.

    Sorry, Kimberly. People are so unique and our partners definitely were.

    Be well.

    Paul M.
  3. FrankT805

    FrankT805 New Member

    Kimberly, I experienced the same sense of loss when I lost my wife after 52 years together, on Dec 24, 2019. You did not mention your faith, so I can only say that I believe your husband is definitely OK. He is still watching out for you, and you will feel him telling you go "Go ahead and do something you can enjoy - you deserve it." Like your husband, my Sharyn was upbeat right up until the end - she wanted to go to therapy the last day we had together, so she could walk. I'm writing a brief history of our marriage to pass on to my children - it has helped immensely to recall the picnics, square dances, trips and different houses we lived in. I have shared your feelings of inadequacy - the ice cream I didn't get for her the last day, and the helplessness as I saw her fade away. The best advice I've received - "You did the best you could, no one could ask for more."

    Rest assured your husband is OK, and yes, you did everything you could have done.