I need to figure it out!

I need to see what I'm going to do now. Going forward. Need to pull up the boot straps and figure it out! I hate just barreling ahead in a fog, like a robot, just doing the immediate things that need to be done. I want to calm my nerves! I am trying in my head to accept "this is the way it's going to be.....you go forward alone. Figure it out!" ... I feel that I'll just be a robot with no purpose. Doing things that just HAVE to be done and not enjoying anything about any day.....I don't believe in suicide so that is definitely not an answer. Wouldn't do it anyway...so please, no one think that. But I'm terrified what will happen to everything (my fur babies esp) if something happens to me. Who's going to help me if I get sick like Jerry? No one.....I'm afraid I'll lose everything.....I don't want to move. Not an option I ever want to think about....I've got to at least see some kind of light at the end of the tunnel....I wish I could do things and not feel that whatever simple thing it is, that it's a tremendous effort to do it. The virus, of course, makes it all worse.

 

All your feelings seem perfectly in tune with where I am at this point in my grieving. Also in tune with everything I've read on what we can expect to feel. My wife Peg died almost 7 months ago. Loneliness is horrible! I'm alone. My daughters are grown and out on their own. All the books say don't make any major changes in your life for at least one year. Job, home, things like that. Go easy on yourself. You're grieving and it's hard. One day at a time is enough for now. Peace and happiness to you.

 

Thank you Barry. I'm sorry for your loss.
It just feels like I'm staring down this abyss not knowing what direction to take.
I know the loneliness is the worst. I still have 4 dogs and even with their little faces looking up at me it's sad. I don't have kids except for the furry ones. So at least you are lucky there. Possibly they check on you and things.

 

As Barry said, it's pretty normal to feel this way. I think sometimes the good days along with the bad days make it harder, as you feel unsteady. Some days I feel like a toddler learning to walk. I have one dog, also no kids. So the thought of being alone is understandable, we always joked that we'd take care of each other. Now I get the morbid thought, what if I die in my sleep, who'd know? However, we know that being with someone is much more than having someone around for the wrong reasons.

We'll get through, the desire for us to get back is a good sign.

 

I agree with the previous comments. It's okay to take time to think, reflect and process, as well as grieve. A day at a time, even a moment at a time if need be.

 

Thank you. I too wonder what would happen if I died here and how long it would take before I was found.....ugh.

 

I've always heard too, don't make big decisions while grieving, like home,car,job. What did this counselor tell me on our video chat yesterday? She said that I have too much anxiety to live alone in the country and that I should sell our home and rent something.....Talk about something that I don't even want to think about in real time right now! She drove my anxiety out the roof with that! It's something that, yes, crossed my mind and she's right in one respect. And yes, it'd be easier if I didn't have to go out and mow the yard this weekend.....but it'd be easier if I could just sit here and just veg out like I have been doing virtually for 3 mos now.....just can't get the effort or desire to do anything except come here....I had a better day yesterday until I counseled with her. Now I'm all shaky again today.

 

As I wrote to you in a message, this counselor failed you. There job is to listen and help you work through pros and cons of doing things, not to tell you what to do. Yes, no quick decisions right now. If you don't want to think about this right now, then don't. I've had to talk through this decision with people when some had no choice because financially, they have to sell. But times when I've met with people that feel it's what they should do (downsize) but don't have to, I tell them to wait. Many of them end up staying. where I live, the thing to do is sell and get a condo, because they feel they can't take care of things. Assessment here are at least 300+ and I mean +. I tell people they can hire someone to landscape and snow blow for less than that. Same for other maintenance. She shouldn't be telling you stuff like that. Can you get someone else? A session shouldn't make you feel worse. Please don't take her seriously.

 

Thank you for this. I just finished a conversation with you.

I agree. I've seen psychiatrists before for my anxiety/panick attacks and they chose their words more carefully. I get the impression that she's bitter about something in her own life. I know her husband is also gone. She's alone in an apt or condo herself but said her neighbors aren't friendly at all, her family is in New Mexico and she's here in Tx. I think she knows that I'm not following the worksheets she has given me about anxiety. I can't keep reading about anxiety. I've done it all my life. She wants me to replace an anxious thought with a positive one. Ok, I've been dealing with chronic depression for years now. I told her that I don't HAVE positive thoughts because when I do, the other shoe drops. That pissed her off I believe but it's true. She just said that if it happened in my life like that, then it was probably coincidence.....(for all my life?). I'll give her one more shot and see if she addresses my anxiety like she said she would now that she thinks I'm getting better with the other stuff I'm dealing with....

If I strictly used the insurance $ for house and car payments only, I could only stay here for 3 yrs. I couldn't get anymore ins for Jerry because of all of his existing problems at the time I applied for life ins at work for him. That's why I have to get back to work. I'm not old enough for SS so I can't go on that early either. 1 more year if I want to take the cut rate at 62.

 

I feel your pain. The loneliness can be unbearable at times and the thought of "moving on" is so difficult to imagine. I understand when you say you feel like "a robot with no purpose and just doing immediate things that need to be done". Give yourself time and realize what you are feeling is normal and that some day you will be able to think about a future though it won't be easy. Sending you prayers and a big hug.

 

Oh, thank you for that. If it weren't for our dogs, there really is no purpose for me to be here. But I will carry on as long as I need to for them. Other than that, I don't see a future except for the robot....

 

I'm glad you have your dogs - they will help you feel needed and loved. Trust me when I say that you will see a future one day - not the one you expected or wanted - but one that you will come to grips with. I know this is very hard for you but stay strong and now is not the time to make any major decisions in your life.

 

Ty. I don't think now is the time either. I didn't call the mortgage co. I just feel it's one more thing that his name comes off of, you know? I feel with everything that I have to do like that, the further he slips away from me.
I'm glad the dogs are here too but even they are a little lost with me being so depressed.
I have to mow the yard today and I used to enjoy it but not anymore....
I'm going back to work maybe for every other day for a bit Monday. Dreading it...

 

There is no rush in calling the mortgage co right now - do it when you are ready to. I know it is hard having to remove his name from certain documents, etc. but he will always be in your heart and with you and that will never "slip away".

I think it will do you good to mow the yard today to keep yourself busy and be outside. Sometimes just being in the fresh air and exercising helps you if only for a little while.

Good luck in going back to work on Monday even if it is only for a few hours. It will help to keep your mind busy and sometimes being around other people helps to make you stronger. If you feel you need a break - go into the restroom, have a cry, wipe your tears and then return.

I will be thinking of you and wishing the best on your return to work.

 

Ty. You'll know how it goes for sure.

It is one of the most beautiful days in Tx that we've had. The temp isn't too bad even in the sun. Slight breeze, brilliant blue sky. Soooooooooo quiet tho! I think it is more silent outside than in the house. I'm not done weed eating but I may do that tomorrow. Just walked around the yard for a bit with 3 of the dogs. The silence is what really gets to me. No one is even mowing or weed eating in the distance either....There was music being played when I was mowing but it's quiet now too.

 

Going back to work was the best thing I did for myself. It keeps you and your mind occupied. It gets you out of the house. Only bad part is you eventually have to go back home but your sweet dogs will be so happy to see you!

 

I don't think of it as moving on, I think of it as carrying on, and carrying him with me. He will always be with me because he changed me. If I do end up in another relationship someday, that man will be fortunate for the time I had with my husband. He made me better, he put up with all my mistakes and weirdness.

 

The problem with my job is that it's at a medical clinic so I feel I'm being put on the front lines for the virus.

 

That's a badge of honor! I'm proud of you! Be proud of yourself. But also, do whatever you feel is right. I don't want to see you get sick.

 

Very well put! I feel exactly the same. My sweet Peggy made a much better man of me. I'm better and have an easier life because of her beautiful example of how we should live. I'll take her with me for the rest of my life.