I miss him so much.

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by Lisawp1213, Sep 15, 2020.

  1. Lisawp1213

    Lisawp1213 Member

    I lost my husband unexpectedly on July 22. He was on chemo for luekemia but his numbers were great. He passed out at home twice and on the way to the hospital coded in the ambulance and never recovered. I am so lost without him.
     
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  2. JMD

    JMD Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband on July 17. He died of a treatment complication of one of his cancer medications. We had hope as well, he was doing so well with his treatment. The grief and pain are still so fresh for us. I understand the feeling of being lost. Almost like half of you is gone. I am trying to keep busy but not too busy, eat, drink water, sleep and not isolate. Each one seems to be such a chore. Some days the pain is right up front, I am grateful for any moments of peace and calm that come over me. My emotions are overwhelming at times and I don't have control of them. I have found many understanding and compassionate people on this site, as many friends and family have faded away. Be kind to yourself and don't push yourself too hard. My prayers to you.
     
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  3. Lisawp1213

    Lisawp1213 Member

    Thank you. There isn't a day goes by that I don't think about him. I miss him so much. I eat, but not right. Sleep doesn't really happen. I fall asleep but I can't stay asleep. I am so very sad most days.
     
  4. MDGinVA

    MDGinVA Member

    I have trouble sleeping as well. Like both of you, we were optimistic and hopeful, but I think she had a feeling she wasn’t going to be here much longer. I feel bad because I would never talk about it. I would just say you’re going to beat this, don’t talk like that. Then she started getting worse, but I guess I was in denial and just said this is part of it, your doctors know how to deal with it, then I had to take her to hospital and they did a scan on her. 2 days later the dr comes in and just says that hthey got the results back from the scan and the cancers spread significantly. There are no more treatments you have weeks. Then said she could stay in hospital and they would treat her, but that would only prolong she wasn’t going to get better, then said or you can go home in hospice and you will die naturally, but they would keep you comfortable. I told her it was her choice and I would back her decision, her sister said the same thing. She chose hospice. 9 days later she died,
     
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  5. Lisawp1213

    Lisawp1213 Member

    I am so sorry you had to go through that. I guess I just have to get used to not sleeping. I go to a new doctor next week, so maybe I can get something to help me sleep.
     
  6. JMD

    JMD Well-Known Member

    Sleep does not come easy - most nights in short spurts. I am fatigued most mornings. I take it when I can get it- go to bed real early, take it easy on the weekends. Go easy on yourself and remember that you too are healing and recovering. The more I tell our story, the more I learn that so many people are touched and hurt by cancer. Hoping and praying you get a cure, while the treatment can be terrible as well. Praying for peace for all of us..
     
  7. Lisawp1213

    Lisawp1213 Member

    It is 8 weeks today and I just keep expecting him to come through the door, and it's never going to happen.
     
  8. JMD

    JMD Well-Known Member

    I am sorry that this hurts so much. I am having trouble with the 'forever' part of this also. Tomorrow is two months. Sometimes it feels like a minute ago, sometimes it feels like I haven't see him in years. I have to figure out how to have peace, have him in my life and everything I do, even though he is not physically present. This seems impossible. One minute, one day at a time. Posting here and talking to others who understand helps. Prayers and peace.
     
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  9. JMD

    JMD Well-Known Member

    I know these feelings. We kept thinking we could beat this together, he was doing really well. Working full-time, enjoying weekends together. I would always encourage him to be positive, 'throw the book at it'. I was in it fighting with him, healthy food, sleep, love. When he went on oxygen at home, he pointed to the rack of tanks and said, 'I'm going to beat those', and we believed he would. He wanted to live so much and was so young. He brought fun to everything we did. Now that I think back on things, he had dying on his mind much more than he let on. The questions he asked, comments. Moods. He was afraid and anxious, and would get out of sorts and bicker. I feel terrible about not recognizing and supporting that fear and anxiety more than I did. I love him so much and would give anything to have more time with him. He went to the hospital and died there 18 days later. I was able to be with him and just always loved him and told him how much for as long as I could. So hard to figure out life without him. Thanks for listening.
     
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  10. MDGinVA

    MDGinVA Member

    I think Debi was thinking of dying more than she let on as well. At Christmas she said I don’t know if I will see another Christmas. I told her we were going to beat it. She said yep I know then she saw that there was a litter of puppies that was going to be born right after Christmas and she said she wanted one I thought that was positive thinking and we got Riley ( we have no kids this was both of our first marriages and we met in our 40s so I’ve only known her 10 years. 1 dating 9 married). After she died her sister told me she thinks that Debi wanted me to have a little buddy in case something happened. Riley is the grand dog of our dog Briannah but Briannah was always with Debi. She always said she wasn’t scared of dying, she was scared for me to be alone. I miss her so much.
     
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  11. Lisawp1213

    Lisawp1213 Member

    I always told my husband if he ever got tired of chemo and wanted to stop, I would support him 100%. He said he wanted to live. I know he didn't want to leave me by myself. The lonliness is overwhelming.
     
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  12. MDGinVA

    MDGinVA Member

    I told my wife I stood behind any decision she makes. When she was in hospice the hospice people told me that I needed to tell her it’s ok to go, that I would be fine. After seeing her hurting I told her it was ok to go, that I didn’t like seeing her in pain and that I would be ok. That was very hard to do. She died I think 2 days after I said that. I know that they said she was probably holding on just for me, and all that, but a part of me feels like maybe she heard me and thought I didn’t care anymore. I regret saying it’s ok to her.
     
  13. JMD

    JMD Well-Known Member

    Same here. He told me he didn’t want to die, he wanted to fight. I stood behind him but watched him suffer. He was so tough. He told me he was not ready to leave me. He didn’t want me to be alone but more than that he loved me and wanted to live life with me. He wasn’t done taking care of me. I am heartbroken when I think about it. I miss him so much. I live my life to love and honor him now, it feels right.
     
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  14. MDGinVA

    MDGinVA Member

    That’s how I feel. I try to honor Debi the best I can.
     
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  15. JMD

    JMD Well-Known Member

    . I think you did the right thing. It was an unselfish act of love, letting her know you loved her enough to not want her to suffer. I am sure it gave her peace.
     
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  16. Lisawp1213

    Lisawp1213 Member

    I was his third wife, but he always told me I was the best. I know he didn't want leave me to do this by myself.
     
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  17. Tinsleyrebecca

    Tinsleyrebecca New Member

    I am so extremely sorry for your loss. Sadly I know how you're feeling I lost my husband very suddenly on August 31 2020. My husband was in a scheduled surgery and came out of surgery on Life Support and died later that same evening due to surgical complications. I miss him so bad it physically hurts and the only way I can describe the feeling is that its a feeling so deep inside of me that I truly feel lost and empty inside if that even makes sense? I have so many sad moments and all I do is cry and if my husband were here he wouldn't be expecting me to fall apart in the ways that i have. I have alot of anger inside of me that I believe to be because of the suddenness to his passing. Of course I was unprepared and overwhelmed because I never saw this coming and it has just rocked my world and not in a good way. After being with 1 man my whole adult life and spending 20 years together I'm left not really even knowing who I am or who I have become and for anyone who has experienced losing a partner im sure it changes so many things about you. For me the best thing has been the distraction that family has brought to me by just trying to keep me busy daily. However I find myself talking alot about my husband and us and things we did. I know hes gone but I havent fully accepted that yet. I can fall asleep at night but staying asleep ihas been a real issue lately. I think this is related to the new stress in life because I'm so depressed and pissed off and I over obsess and overthink everything all day everyday. I keep telling myself to give time some time but I don't really believe you ever really get over losing someone that you loved wholeheartedly. I think the only thing that changes is that you have learned to live and some how coexist with that loss? Sending you good vibes alongside peace ,love ,
    prayers and healing your way
    Rebecca
     
  18. JMD

    JMD Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry for your loss. My husband also died unexpectedly from a medical complication in July. I understand and have the physical pain of grief, like my body is being crushed. Half of me is gone. Michael has been gone for 12 weeks and I cried more this weekend than before and not sure why. Talk about him - you need to. I am an over thinker also, but I have learned that all that does is exhaust me and I don’t come up with answers anyway. There is no ‘why’ that will satisfy us. I believe there is no ‘getting over’ this, but rather adjusting to a new life without him in it. It’s a life I would never choose and don’t really want. Right now it’s one minute, one hour, one day at a time. Praying for you and your husband.