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I lost my partner and I am still mad at him

Discussion in 'Coping After a Sudden Loss' started by Biancasalterego, Nov 17, 2020.

  1. Biancasalterego

    Biancasalterego New Member

    I lost my boyfriend on November 6, 2020. It's almost been two weeks and last night was the first time since that i didn't have a panic attack or waking up gasping for air. Chris and I were really going through rough times. He was a severe alcoholic and i walked in on him with another woman in July coming back from helping my sister finding a new house. He 'quit' drinking for about 3 weeks or at least so i thought. He had a completely different life that i knew about. 2 days after his death, one of the women he was seeing sent me a message saying he seen her two weeks before and asking who i was! This is too much for me to take. I feel guilty for being more angry at him than I am feeling sad that he is gone. Is this normal?
  2. I can’t imagine the betrayal you feel! I can believe your emotions are running rampant all over the page. Its devastating to learn of a loved ones infidelity, but to learn after they passed, you hurt in so many ways! My thoughts are with you, sending you comforting hugs and prayers you find peace.
    Biancasalterego likes this.
  3. Biancasalterego

    Biancasalterego New Member

    thank you for your kind words. it is really hard to deal with because im sure there is way more that i dont know about and it makes me sick to my stomach. i love him so much but this is hard for me to process. im trying to move past it but i cant.
  4. Sissie

    Sissie Member

    I completely understand how it feels to lose someone and be mad at them. When you think of losing someone anger is the last emotion you think of having. My kids dad was murdered on fathers day 2020. We haven't been together since 2010 but he is the other half of my babies and he's supposed to be here. He had a bad drinking problem as well and couldn't seem to stay out of the streets when he was drinking and trouble always seemed to find him when he was drunk. Even after we separated years after he would be hanging out drinking just in the neighborhood he was from and I would get this feeling I would call no answer no text to see what I wanted and I would know he was drunk. Rather either of us was in a relationship I would still drive to where he was argue with him until he got in my car and drive him home put him in the bed to sleep it off. I did that off and on for years. I wanted him safe I wanted him to know he was loved I wanted him here for us. He was supposed to spend the day with his son and our 3 Kids for Father's day. He showed up at 2 pm an hour early and they weren't ready. He told them he would be back somehow everything between him his son the kids it all went left. He was so excited to spend the day with them and it went left. He went out started drinking and whatever he got into it cost him his life and all 4 of the kids lost parts of themselves they will never get back. My kids buried a parent before they stepped a foot in high-school. Their brother buried a parent before he could give him a grandchild. He was doing so much better in life and was fighting the battle with the drinking and got laid off due to covid. He turned back to the drinking and I am angry with him. I prayed over him so many nights for his safety,for him to over come his cravings, to love and to feel what love feels like and to see I was trying to show him that. If we wasn't together he didn't want to see it but there was nothing left for us I have always loved him and always will but we were like oil and water. I'm hurt angry confused I feel abandoned. On top of losing him my dad died unexpectedly November 19th 2020 And my mom lost her fight with lung cancer dec 18 2020. This has been an incredible hurtful year for my kids and myself. I am sorry for your loss but just know I understand and sometimes that helps
    You are in my thoughts and I hope you heal a little each day. If not that's OK baby steps are fine too.
  5. If you want to have a conversation I relate to your story. I am by no means a pro at this, but I know about feeling guilty about being mad because of feelings related to decisions outside your relationship.