I lost my mum after my graduation

Discussion in 'Loss of a Parent' started by Planetgregg254, Jun 8, 2019.

  1. Planetgregg254

    Planetgregg254 New Member

    Hello. I don't think my name is really important. 6months ago I lost my mum. The last time I ever saw her was on that graduation day. She was not healthy but she was trying to be strong for me. 4days later she passed away at my aunt's place. I swear my world ended that day. I know im a grown ass man (I'll be 24years) but I was her baby. I was her last born. We shared So much together. How could she leave me like that? After my graduation? Why? Did I do something to offend God? Why would she pass away 4days to my birthday? We only found out in the autopsy report that she also had cancer. It was a devastating period in my life. I hated everyone and everything. I burnt some bridges...became this bitter... Dark...vindictive person. My parents separated when I was 3years; so all my life I've lived with her. She has taught me so much. I honestly wouldn't be alive or be where I am if it weren't for sacrifices. Now she's never gonna see my other accomplishments...the man I become. . My children. .. The house I wanted to buy her. The holidays I wanted to treat her to. I don't know how this grief thing works. I don't know how much I can take. I don't know if I'll ever be OK. All I know is Im broken beyond repair. I live in this post apocalyptic world where it is always winter ... the sun and the stars never shine. I'm mess. I don't know if I care about anything or anyone anymore. I'm not close with any of my siblings being a last born. My mum was my North Star. It pains me no one will ever love me the way she did. It haunts me that sometimes I took her for granted and I was being a jerk to her... I had anger issues while growing up and that is still no excuse for acting the way I did...but she was and is still my whole world. 6 months later I still think about her everyday. I'm numb. . Detached from the rest of the world. I'm becoming indifferent and I'm losing my empathy and sympathy. It just feels like a part of me died with her. I try to be a decent human being...do right by her. Go to church. . Be kind. . But it's not the same. Some days I good...other days are just terrible. I wish she would come back for me. We had so many plans together. It hurts so much.... This sucks.
    To make matters worse I have searched for such a forrum for a long long time since I stay outside the US. I'm relieved I have people who understand what I'm going through. I'm a mess!
     
  2. griefic

    griefic Administrator Staff Member

    I'm so sorry for your loss and all the pain you have experienced since your mother has died. The loss of a parent is truly significant - more so than the people around us seem to recognize. It sounds like your mother played many roles in your life - counselor, cheerleader, confidant, and friend. A loss like this creates a giant void, and there is nothing that can fill that void that a parent leaves behind.
    While I would imagine most people have moved on after this loss and have expected you to do the same, I would say in many ways you are only just starting the grieving process. I don't say that to be discouraging, but to help you recognize just how long it truly takes to move through the pain of grief. We don't ever get over this type of loss. You will never stop missing your mom or wishing she was here. But some time, patience, and grief work, can help move you to a place of meaning, somewhere in the future- whenever that may be.
    Please be patient with yourself and this process. Please be forgiving of yourself and others, for what you feel you could or couldn't have done differently, and for the things they can't understand. Don't close yourself off to hope, and no matter what, don't give up.
    I'm glad you have found our forum, and I truly hope that having this connection can be of some help to you. Please take care of yourself~