April 19th, 2016, my entire world changed. My husband of 25 years commit suicide. In retrospect, I saw some signs but didn't recognize them at thr time and I'm in the medical field. I found him, had to choose which child I thought could handle helping me get him down on on the ground so I could begin CPR. I even slapped on the AED pads and convinced myself that no shock advised meant he had a rhythm. I've suffered for four years and just recently spread the remainder of his ashes in the ocean where I believe he would want to be. I became so codependent on my husband, who I believe was an undiagnosed bipolar, I lost myself. I've been killing myself slowly with food and irresponsible behavior. I never grieved in front of my children, to try to be brave, and through myself into my education. Anything not to deal with it. I recently decided I have to let him go and find out who I really am because I was only what he needed at any given time during our marriage, mood wise. I'm hopeful that I will find my path with help, because usually, I simply like to suffer in silence and not burden anyone with my loss. All of our losses are so unique to our situations. Pray for me and strength to get out and try, without the mantra in my head continually asking...'did I suffer enough, did I grieve enough, am I enough?' Thanks for listening! Healing thoughts and prayers to each and every one of you!!