I lost my husband, mother and a beloved boxer w/in the last 2 mos...

Discussion in 'Coping After a Sudden Loss' started by Liley773, May 17, 2020.

  1. Sweetcole

    Sweetcole Active Member

    Yea lots of paperwork but it'll be worth it if it gets you some financial help. Yea the SS and the military money should help. I hope things continue to work out 4 you
     
  2. Liley773

    Liley773 Well-Known Member

    Ty for the compliment on the tribute page. I really thought I replied to you on this post. It is soooo funny you mentioned the lists! I'm a post it/list person! For the exact reasons you said here! lol. I would definitely take that hug....How is Ted today? Cooper slept with me last night and he was VERY restless. I couldn't sleep for anything after I made myself go to bed. I'm trying True Calm, Melatonin, alcohol after desperation (in limited amounts).....I went back to hypnosis that CAN help me get relaxed to sleep but nothing....Been doing the breathing exercises and some other things that the counselor sends me. I'm printing out your link thank you.
    Ughh. Last 2 days I've felt terrible. Shaky and nervous as all get out. Dreading next week too. Trying not to think about it. Tuesday I have to pick up moms ashes/death certs from funeral home, take them to cemetery, pay $180 for some kind of container they need to put her ashes in the ground with dad. I wanted a friend to go with me to do this Monday as she has off from her job, but the cemetery office won't be open long enough to do that, so I have to go by myself....as usual....I don't feel that I've dealt with mom's death yet or Maggie's.....idk why. I feel that after that day with mom I was in shock and went into robot mode......I hate this virus too. Friday I guess my pandemic leave is done. So I have to go back to the clinic where I work and they won't put me in back office like I'm supposed to be. They will put me out front in check in/out. I haven't been there for 2 1/2 mos and that's right when they were just starting to make the plans for all the virus stuff.....3 workers have been confirmed and recovered so far but there may be more I don't know of. I feel the fight or flight feeling so bad right now that all I want to do is run.......like Forrest Gump in the movie.
     
  3. Liley773

    Liley773 Well-Known Member


    Yes I finally got the info and envelope to mail our marriage license to them. They have to have the original. They'll mail it back. They were very quick in getting the one time benefit to me so I'm grateful for that.
     
  4. glego

    glego Well-Known Member

    Liley, is it possible to go another day when your friend is available? I was going to go alone to get my husband's ashes and a friend of mine insisted on going with me. I'm so glad she did, I thought my knees were going to buckle walking into the funeral home. Sending you some positive vibes.
     
  5. Liley773

    Liley773 Well-Known Member

    Ty. My mom was with me when I had 1 1/2 hr drive to get my husbands'. No, no one else can go. I only have 2 friends and not in my town as it is. The one I was gonna ask to go just not too long ago started a new job and doesn't have very much pto. The other one is out of PTO bc of the pandemic......I appreciate the vibes though....ty
     
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  6. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    I’m glad you’re using written lists, The lists definitely helped me a lot. I’m so glad Cooper sleeps with you. Feel bad he’s restless though, he knows things are wrong and misses his “dad”. When Ron wasn’t feeling well when this all started, he ended up laying on the bathroom floor and I had a hard time keeping Ted off of him. He misses him so much. I’ve had to take Ted back to the vet so often to keep getting his splint rewrapped. I was there yesterday and back today, he wouldn’t walk this morning. Turns out how they wrapped it was making his foot sweat. Seems better now. The vet says he’s healing well, I’m hoping the splint comes off on Wed. He’s laying on me now, and he seems to be feeling better.
    It’s a shame you’re friend can’t go with you to get your Mom’s ashes. Like glego mentioned that’s a rough one. I happened to go into the funeral parlor, I don’t even remember why I was there and they presented me with Ron’s ashes, I was not ready and my knees buckled too. I’m sorry you’re going alone. Maybe your dogs could ride with you and give you support. Just a thought.
    I’m glad you’re giving the breathing exercises a try, I found them to help me a lot. I’d be having a melt down and my daughter would say Mom, you should do the breathing exercises. They helped me quite a lot. Use the technique when you head back to work, it might help you through the day.
    You’re making progress and getting some things done. Jerry would be proud
    You’re in my prayers!
     
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  7. Liley773

    Liley773 Well-Known Member

    Awwwww, Poor Ted you are being such a good mama to your fur baby. I sure hope that he's on the mend quickly. I had a glass of wine finally to calm my nerves this afternoon and was able to fall asleep on the couch for awhile. Cooper and Rocky don't get along, even tho we neutered Cooper, (we were going to neuter Rocky too but never got that far to get them to behave better together. too much testosterone I guess). Rocky slept out here with me. I just couldn't get myself do anything. I'll let him sleep with me tonite. He's not as active as Cooper. Even took a couple bites of spaghetti and gave it to Murphie and Cooper. Doubt I'm going to cook the pork chops I dethawed.....probably end up throwing them away. They've been frozen awhile. There's a website called Headspace.com that is pretty good if I would just keep doing it....they have different plans for anxiety and tell you it's not a quick fix by any means and use alot of the breathing techniques too. You might want to look at that too. I'm sure that I'll be trying the hypnosis again tonight for sleep and anxiety.....
    Praying for you too!
    Hugs
     
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  8. Liley773

    Liley773 Well-Known Member

    I hope that Ted is doing better this morning. And you as well.
    Well, last night really sucked. NO SLEEP at all! I had taken a nap in the afternoon bc I didn't sleep well with Cooper being antsy the night before. I guess I shouldn't have done that....idk. I tried it all. Talked with my sister-in-law, took plenty of melatonin through the night, tried the hypnosis for sleep and anxiety but couldn't get my brain to shut up! Finally around 4:15am even took a little brandy to see if that would help. Nothing. I'm going to try to run some errands today....Ugggg. Leaving the house.....my agoraphobia has gotten worse so I have to work on that this week too before work starts.....I had enough trouble before. I'm a mess.....
     
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  9. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Ted’s having a better day today. Thanks. My daughter helped me work on the memorial garden I made for Ron last year. I’m changing it up some this year.
    I think you should sleep anytime you can. Whether it be a nap in the afternoon, anytime. I’m sorry the hypnosis didn’t help, I hoped it would. I know sleep came very hard for me for quite a while after Ron passed. But if you’re tired during the day, and can rest, then you should.
    Glad you’re talking to your sister in law. How did your errands go today’s?
    Sadly I think for most of us that things we had as issues before our loss, they do get worse. My RA got worse, I’ve had trouble sleeping for quite a while that also got worse after Ron’s passing. I am sleeping better now, things will get better for you in time.
    Ted had a better day today, thankfully. How are Cooper and Rocky doing? Thankful for our furry friends that’s for sure.
    I plan to check that site out thank you!
    Take Care.
     
  10. Liley773

    Liley773 Well-Known Member

    Morning. I'm glad Ted had a better day. I hope each one is better for him. That garden sounds nice. I hope you'll share a picture.
    My errands went ok, but it's so different "out there" now. I hate it. I went to McDonald's eating in the car of course. Kind of a pet peeve. I hate it when you drop a french frie down the side of the seat and have to dig it out.... The hardware store was packed! I wanted to give my 2 friends keys to the gate and house in case something happens to me, at least they could get in and hopefully take care of the babies. Neither own dogs so I don't know....lol. I was waiting patiently for the lady to make them, and this old guy w/his grandson was getting an a/c he had to pay for behind me. He had no mask, neither did his grand kid, and he got so doggone close to me it made me anxious as heck. I literally had to tell him to back up b/c I couldn't even get to the credit card machine! Told him I needed to put my pin in and he said "oh, sorry, I can't even see that far.....". It was hard for me too b/c the mask I had on was suffocating me and it was really humid and hot yesterday too. Horrible.
    Cooper's still a "goofball" as Jerry called him. Kind of subdued with Daisey and Murphie today as it's dreary and humid as all get out. Daisey is seeming like she's going downhill on me.....Please Lord, no more....... Rocky has developed a soft lump on the upper side of his him so I'm calling the vet tomorrow for hopefully an appt Wednesday for them to check it out. I'm not waiting as I've been watching a small harder one by his shoulder. Once I start work it's gonna be hard to get off. Unless they are still doing the 32 hr weeks like they have been. I just so wish, for a good, affordable reason, I could stay home and draw early retirement as of next year.....the scratch off lottos just aren't paying off like that! lol. I try a little bc it's something Jerry and I did together and I thought I might have some help from him and Mom...apparently it doesn't work that way.
    Had a crazy storm last night and more rain all week. Really hard to breathe outside bc of the humidity.
    You are welcome on that site. I used it this morning but I was shaking so badly when I started replying to you and my legs didn't feel that they wanted to hold me, I had to stop, get some True Calm supplement and cbd oil. I watched about an hr show on tv and am better now. I'm trying to keep thoughts saying to myself, "this is the way it's gonna be from now on, ACCEPT IT! You can do this....." Doesn't seem to be working. Also, tomorrow's gonna be rough. I have to do the funeral home stuff to get mom's ashes/death certs, take them to the cemetery, do all that, possible drop off some things I had made with Jerry's picture on it, and a necklace that have s0me of his ashes in it for the grandkids and some canvas pictures of Jerry for Jerry's son at his store he manages if he's working, then do a curbside p/u at Walmart. I need to set the time for the p/u and can't decide when I'll make it there....gonna be a long day.....
    Trying to cook a little ahead so I will try to eat better...I hate to cook and when I do, I'm not eating enough to make it worth my time.....pizza is getting too convenient.

    I hope you are having a good day. I have to pay bills now. Still haven't told the mortgage co......procrastination at it's best. I just do not want to have the conversation and face that reality .....Ugh.

    I hope you have a good day.
     
  11. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Ha ha, that sounds like me, the French fry, I tend to drop one that I have to dig for. Sorry how the hardware store went for you. Some people just don’t take this seriously, I’m glad you spoke up. The masks are suffocating right. And for me my glasses fog too. The masks tend to bring on my claustrophobia, so hard to breathe
    Hope you get an appointment for Rocky, our pets are such life savors, and when they’re hurting it’s overwhelming. My vet isn’t letting us go in, a tech comes out and gets Ted and then if needed they call my cell with any information. I always feel bad watching them take Ted and he keeps looking back, wondering why I’m not going in with him. How many dogs do you have?
    Picking up your Moms ashes, will be tough, I feel bad you have to go alone. Sounds like a hectic day tomorrow. Always things that need to be done. Too bad Jerry’s son isn’t close with you. It’s nice your dropping off some pictures and ashes for the grandkids.
    I’m jealous your Walmart offers curbside pick up. Mine doesn’t offer that but our numbers are finally coming down and a few things are starting to open.
    My brother called and invited my daughter and I to go over for a bbq. We haven’t seen each other for months with this quarantine. Felt nice to see them, I know they’ve been careful so it was safe to see see them.
    I actually love to cook and bake, but I don’t have Ron to cook for so no real desire. I cook for my daughter and myself sometimes. Not like I used to.
    I have to pay my property tax, thought of it when I read about you having to pay bills. You’ll make the mortgage phone call in due time.
    My day went better then expected because of the surprise invite from my brother.
    Hope you’re doing ok. Thinking of you!
     
  12. Liley773

    Liley773 Well-Known Member

    Hi Robin
    Just waiting on my counselor to buzz in here. So I thought I'd catch up with you. Yes the dreaded digging for the fry. Every time. Lol.
    My glasses fog up also with the masks. I don't know how I'm gonna work in one all day. Just received a work email telling everyone that there should be "NO ONE IN THE BLDG W/O A MASK! They are still MANDATORY!" I'm fighting panic all day again. I emailed my mgr to see what the dates of my pandemic leave really are. I saw some confusing things about when and what I will be paid for regarding the leave and bereavement for mom.
    Rocky and I are going to the vet today for a 1pm appt. They said to call from the car and they will come get us when the room is ready. He's not in pain or anything but he has a couple of lumps I want checked out. After all he's his parent's son and they both passed of Mast cell tumor cancer. Cooper's got me wondering today. He's his busy sassy self but didn't eat his canned food this morning and wouldn't take his treat when I put him in his kennel to get Rocky out....He is VERY gassy though!!!!!! So I don't know what's going on. Cold wet nose....clear eyes....full of energy. We have 4 dogs now...I mean I do. Still don't want to say that....singular.:(
    Ok, I'm getting irritated. I'm sitting here waiting for the video chat session and -0-. So I sent her an text chat message. Hopefully she's just late.
    Yes, yesterday was very weird, depressing, I felt out of place, like I didn't belong bc people were alot different. Felt that way in the hardware store too. It's probably just me because I have been isolated for so long now. My sister-in-law and her daughter-in-law go everywhere they want and don't mask up......
    Yes I love curbside. I used it a couple times on the way home from work. I hate to shop except online anyway, so it's definitely a keeper idea for me. I just have to load and unload once when I get home then. That's tiring enough.
    That's so nice you got to get out. I love it! Hope it was very enjoyable....
    Yes, it was not a fun day at all. After I picked her up, we went through the car wash, had lunch in the car at Burger King, who was doing a SUPER job of distancing and not touching the bags any more than necessary. They were put in a container that she held out the window. Even my debit card I tossed into a container and she brought it out that way. Then I went to the Dollar Tree and got some fresh flowers for her. Then went to the cemetery and put the flowers in. Played How Great Thou Art and Old Rugged Cross for her as she had always told me she wanted it. Spent a little time there. They had it all marked out for whatever reasons with little flags and stuff marking the perimeter. After that I took her to the office. Had to go back to their site and place another little flag with her name and Cremation it. I got a call from James who was helping me with all this at 9:20am today that they had taken care of it and that Mom is now w/Dad.....He was very nice older guy. So that chapter of my book is now closed I guess.....whew. So Lonely.....
    After I did that I picked up some pizzas to freeze from a place that makes them and you bake them. My fav comfort pizzas. Papa Murphy's. Then I went to Davids work and texted him that I was there in the parking lot and whenever he could come out....I waited 15-20 min. No response. I texted again that I had to leave soon for my curbside and I could bring them in if he wanted and leave them at the counter. Waited another 10 min no response. Finally, I took the pillow, necklace, and 4 canvas prints that I was gonna tell him to keep what he wants and give the rest to his step sister, into the store. Ashley Furniture. He's the mgr. He was busy with a customer, I totally get it. I gave the stuff to another sales guy and wrote David a note and walked past him when I left. When I got to the car he texted that he'd call me later on. I have heard -0-........ Absolutely nothing. I don't care how busy you are, I don't care that you have a bad sinus infect, there's a thing called respect..... Everyone's busy (apparently except me) I get it. But still. I went out of my way to give this stuff to your family as small memories of your dad and didn't even get a Thanks.
    Well, it's almost 12:15pm, I need to get Rocky into the truck. He won't know what's going on so it may take me a min....
    Ok I'm pissed off. Counselor said she saw my name there and then someone else's. That I'd have to r/s....."sorry about that".....UGH!
    My mgr just answered too. Said pandemic leave 4/27-5/25. Now she's trying to get the "next steps"and will update me soon. If it ended 5/25 then I should have 3 days bereavment after that....
    Ok I'll get Rocky to the vet now.
    I'll fill you in when I get back how it went.....

    Hugs
    Kim
     
  13. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Kim,
    Wow! You’ve been very busy, accomplished a lot! I’m impressed. You did right by your Mom, you showed her the respect she deserves and played the music she asked for. And you were strong getting that done.
    I am so sorry how it went dropping things off. There’s no excuse to not call and say thank you, sorry I was busy. No excuse for that. I know I’d feel devastated if I went out of my way for something like that and got no response so I’m sure you feel the same.
    I’ve read reviews on the masks that have filters that you can see, they get good reviews. People claim you can breathe easier and glasses don’t fog. I’m considering ordering some, I’d prefer made in USA if I decide to order. I suffer with claustrophobia and the masks bring that on big time.
    What’s with the counselor, not right, she must have double booked. You’re like me, schedule things that work out time wise but others mess it all up.
    Good luck at the vet, I hope it’s not something serious. I have one little guy, that keeps me busy how do you manage 4? Ted goes to the vet later today too, I really hope the splint comes off. I’ll be as happy as ted is when it’s off. My vet doesn’t let me go in, I feel so bad as ted looks back at me, like aren’t you coming. I wish I was.
    I did enjoy being at my brothers house, he made a nice bbq, and took such good care of me. It felt nice, felt someone besides my kids cares. But he also gave me a little information. I have cut all communication with my sister. She was treating me terrible and started judging me. A lot of this is through texting. I told her we will be ok but that I need a break for a bit and she wrote back that I’m a terrible sister and I’ve never been there for her. Which is a lie. This was 5 months after Ron passed. So I cut ties with her. Anyway, the only person she really cares about is my brother and he has cut communicating with her too. She stayed at his house when she came for Ron’s funeral and there was fighting. She hated her room wasn’t getting waited on enough, etc. she started texting him recently, wanting him to call. He calls her and she doesn’t pick up. Not a good time call me at this time. Fast forward to what he shared with me. He told me to never ever under any circumstances talk to her again. I asked what happened. He says there was texting and she said things he won’t share with me. Btw, he usually shares her texts. Apparently he told her she needs to mend things with me, and told her how deeply she hurt me. She replied back, don’t tell me how to treat Robin, I want to talk to you, if you’re not interested let me know what I’ve done. That’s all he would share with me. There’s more and apparently it’s bad. He said she’s not worth your time, and I’m done with her. Well that set me off crying, my sister is so cruel she doesn’t even care how I’m doing or that I lost my husband. All she wants is a relationship with my brother. He made me promise to not talk with her. So seeing family was nice and felt so good but that part upset me and still bothers me. I’m glad he share that much though.
    I haven’t tried Burger King I should give it a try. For the most part I’ve been earring at home. Cooking some small meals. Only ate out twice since the quarantine started in mid March.
    Let me know how the vet visit goes. My brothers dog, Rottweiler, was just diagnosed with bone cancer. She’s a sweet dog, sad. He’s making her bone broth, and on a special diet with Keto powder. He’s trying to doctor her.
    Hugs! Robin
     
  14. Liley773

    Liley773 Well-Known Member

    Well got Rocky up and back. Waiting for the aspiration results but the vet preeeettttty much is positive that 1 is just a fatty cyst and 2 are just infected hair follicles. She also gave me some probiotic for Coopers tummy situation. He hasn't wanted to eat at all. I gave it to him in some yogurt and it took him awhile to eat it but he finally got it down. He was pretty subdued before. Now we just got done playing with one of his "babies".....sooooo cross your fingers....
    My manager said that my pandemic leave was from 4/27-5/25. Leaving 3 days for bereavement the way I see it. She said " I am trying to get next steps now. I will update you soon." I have no idea what the next steps are. Before it was said I could take a furlough and go on unemployment. But now my lead sent out an email to everyone and said that starting Monday they are going back to 8-5 at the clinic. No more flex time off. So I don't know..... If it wasn't for this stupid virus I could've gone back and just robot my way through the day.....Now they do things so different it's learning all over again and I'm not in a mental place to remember what I did before let alone learn new......
     
  15. Liley773

    Liley773 Well-Known Member

    Awwww Robin I'm so sorry to hear that about your brother's dog. He's doing the right thing. When Max, Rocky's dad, had his I googled all kinds of supplements that would help him. Brave soul took them for me every time.....I think it helped prolong along w/the prednisone the vet gave him. Breaks my heart for your brother.
    Your sister sounds like a real trip. I would go with your brother on her. If he isn't even sharing texts, it probably is stuff that would bother you and he knows it. Rather leave you in the dark on the subject matter than add more to your stress and depression...Concentrate on your other family members and just try hard to let her go. I would HATE to be one of her clients! I just can't believe all that you've said about her. Who does that??????? Esp to someone that is grieving still so hard. Not having siblings, I don't know what it's like. I'm sure it's hard to have to have no contact with her but if she causes that much pain it's definitely not worth bothering with her. You are still dealing with enough. It's too much on you. Thankfully you have your brother and a few others to concentrate on.....

    I hate that you can't go with Ted. I'm crossing my fingers that he gets his splint off today. Let me know. Rocky also had an ear infection so they cleaned them well and I have medicine. They did curbside where you call them, tell them you're here and what vehicle you are in. They come and get you. But there was only 1 tech masked up that I saw in the office. The vet and her tech weren't and didn't care when I took mine off in the room. I just couldn't breathe!

    I got the 2nd 50 masks I bought today. I SPECIFICALLY looked for made in the USA.....where are they from? China. Just like the first batch! I opened them like I did the others. Outside. I fanned through them and spread them out kind of, in a plantar out on the patio. I'll probably leave them all night, spray over them with Lysol tomorrow and then put them in the paper sack with the others in my SUV. They say it doesn't live long on surfaces.....so we'll see.
     
  16. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Maybe I’ve shared too much about my sister. But it helps to get it off my chest. She’s not working right now. Her license isn’t good in Florida, she moved a couple years ago. I’m so glad they feel it was a fatty cyst, we need our babies to be ok. I hugged and pet a long time my brothers dog, Tina. She’s such a sweetheart. They took her expecting to be told it was a pulled muscle. But got a call the next day saying bone cancer. She’s 11 years old. My brother called me pretty upset and his wife, actually not married but been together 10 years. She stayed in bed the whole day she was so upset. But now they’re working together to do everything possible. And like you, he googled what to do and get. The dachshund we had before Ted, he had diabetes, Ron gave him insulin shots twice a day every day. I learned how to do it too but Ron wouldn’t let me do it cause he knew it upset me.
    It’s frustrating that all the masks come from China. You’re doing the right thing in airing them. Now I’ve read the CDC says the masks don’t protect us, yet we’re supposed to keep wearing them.
    I think you should be proud of all you’re getting done. I’m getting ready to take Ted to the vet. I’ll let you know
     
  17. Liley773

    Liley773 Well-Known Member

    YAY!!!!!!!!!! Rocky's little lumps are NOT cancerous!!!!! BEST news in 3 mos.:p:D I couldn't bear another loss.
     
  18. Liley773

    Liley773 Well-Known Member

    Vent/share anything you want. People at work open up to me all the time, even the ones I don't know that well. They tell me I'm a really good listener that doesn't share information with others. Takes my mind off things plus I wanted to be a psycologist back in the day......

    I feel for your brother and his wife. I do with all my heart. Yes! The supplements and whatever the dr gave them for Tina will help! Esp Tumeric. I had sooooo many things.

    Awww the poor baby. I've heard about diabetes in dogs but never would have known what to look for. I give all our dogs their shots. From the feed store. Except rabies of course.....It's funny that (I'm "married" to a 25 yr retired paramedic) I always gave them their shots while he held them for me! lol

    I just don't know what to believe anymore. Except the US deaths today topped 100,000...:eek::(
     
  19. Liley773

    Liley773 Well-Known Member

    I hope Ted got his splint off!!!!!!!!;)
     
  20. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Nope, splint is still on! The vet said Ted’s healing but not there yet. So, another week. Poor Ted, poor me. Rather safe then sorry, but I was sure it was coming off. Believe it or not, on the first visit we were told 2 to 3 weeks. We’re at 5 now, hopefully next week.
    So glad Rocky’s lumps are nothing serious. Yay! That’s great news. Our dachshund that was diabetic, we knew something was up because he was drinking so much! Huge amounts of water. Prior to that he had spinal surgery, poor guy went through a lot. But we took care of him. My brother is taking great care of Tina, she’s on turmeric, as am I. Ha ha, helps RA quite a bit. He’s giving Tina prescription strength CBD oil. Last couple days she’s not putting that leg down at all. They’ve taken X-rays of her lungs they look clear. Thankfully. She’s getting prescriptions from the vet also. As you know, it’s a full time job.
    We all need our fur family members to be ok. The vet tells us she loves that Ted lets them know if he’s happy with how they wrapped it or not. She’s like, Ted always lets me know how I did. Haha.
    Hope you’re managing fairly well, and hope you get some sleep tonight. I used to be happy if I got a few hours, it’s better then nothing.