Hi, my name is MJ. On February ninth, I lost my papaw by suicide. I’ve had an incredibly hard time coping with this sudden and unexpected loss. I’ve lost many people in the last couple years, but I’ve never lost someone so close to me. I only actually have one friend not counting my fiancé so it’s been hard to reach out. But I guess here goes. My mamaw and papaw’s home was sold out from under them by their mortgage company. My papaw took it hard and already had a history of depression. My dad and three uncles took over handling the realtors and mortgage company and tried to be with him as much as they could but we live an hour away. That morning, my dad and uncle’s were at the house cleaning up and trying to start packing. My mamaw woke up early and started to get ready for the day, making coffee and breakfast. Two of my uncles were cleaning out the garage and came up to the kitchen to ask mamaw if something was being thrown away and she said to ask papaw. She went downstairs (to his “man cave”) and opened the door. All she saw were his feet before running to get my uncles. My dad and his twin arrived at this point to find one of my uncles performing cpr and the other holding mamaw back so she wouldn’t see. A couple things about all of this haunt me. I’m not angry with him. I haven’t been angry this whole time. But it haunts me knowing that my mamaw (who is almost deaf) was asleep right above him when it happened. It haunts me knowing that papaw knew that his sons were coming to the house when he did it. He knew mamaw wouldn’t be alone, which I see as a final declaration of love. But he cursed my father and uncles by making them see that. It leaves me to wonder, how could he. He also didn’t leave a note. That leaves me wondering why he did it. They were losing their home and his mother passed two months ago but I can’t understand. The final thing that haunts me is what keeps me up at night. He was known for drinking (not an alcoholic per se but he did drink a decent amount). The coroner will soon be giving us back the toxicology report. I don’t know what would be worse. If he was drunk, that means that he probably didn’t really know what he was doing or how it would hurt us all. But if he was sober, he knew exactly what he was doing (probably not how it would affect everyone else) but that means he knowlingly chose to leave us. Part of me is left with regret. The night before it happened, my dad told me papaw was not doing well and was stressing and depressed. I thought about texting him or calling him and I chose not to because it was late and I didn’t want to wake him. I’m so scared that things could’ve been different had I just called him or texted him when I thought about it. I’m so guilty. Feel free to comment if you’d like to talk and please know that it does get better. We will all get through this and we will all see brighter days.
I am so sorry for your loss. My heart breaks for you, to have so many unanswered questions must be difficult. I think you made some great points that maybe he knew your grandma wouldn't be alone. Don't start playing the "what if game". None of us know what could have happened or if the actions we did or didnt do would change the course of anything. You have great optimism and thats what you should hold onto. Take care of your grandma because she will need you more now than ever.
