I lost my brother over a year ago, to a horrific car accident.

I lost my brother over a year ago. A drunk driver of a skip truck crashed into him as he crossed the street.
Nothing is the same ever since. I don't even know where to begin. He was only 21. He struggled with drugs and alcohol and battled severe depression for the most part. I was sucked into that world ever since. At so many points I lost control, felt too weak to exist, both physically and mentally. I get nightmares of all the things i've witnessed living with him prior to the accident and even worse, after losing him. I attempted suicide a couple times; both failed, and was involved in a severe car accident a few months ago. I guess this is God's way of telling me there must be a reason for me to stay. I'm trying to type but I have nothing to say. If anyone knows what I can do, to use this in a way to help or share the story, find out why I am still persisting on this planet; I have no clue myself, or recommend anything to help get me out of this endless loop. It's draining.

 

I am so sorry for the loss of your brother. I went to your story because the date you posted was the same day I lost one of my younger brothers to leukemia. He had been sick off and on for over 20 years, but he went downhill so quickly this past year, that, although I saw him after he passed, I still can't believe he is gone. Crying helps, letting people be there for me helps. Another reason I wanted to write you is that I read where your brother struggled with alcohol and drugs. I grew up with a father who struggled with alcohol and at 16 attempted suicide and later at 27, wanted to kill myself because the pain was so great. I also have a younger brother who is alcoholic and seeing how it has affected his life is so painful. When I was 28 I found Al-Anon - a program for those who love or loved someone who abuses alcohol. In Al-anon, I found a way to have peace, to work through the pain, and I learned that loving someone who is addicted to alcohol is too much to handle on my own. If interested, just Google Al-anon - it's free.
I feel like I am much older than you, 63, and my heart goes out to you. I have walked through the pain of losing my parents, and now my brother and although it is hard and painful, I have faith that it won't last forever, but I am also not going to put a timetable on my grief. I also try to do something for someone, no matter how small, every day, in honor of my brother. That helps too.
Be gentle with yourself. Be kind to yourself.
Blessings.