I just want to hug her and to be hugged back but I know that this will never happen again.

I know that everyone on this website is in the same boat. I apologize and just say that I needed to let that out.

 

God bless you and keep you strong. I don’t want to be here on this site but here I am. My husband passed away on August 18 and I am at a total loss. He was my love and best friend. This is so horrible.

 

I am so sorry. I know how painful it is. My wife was my love and my very best friend too. Thank you for your kind words and God bless you also. It is so hard but we just have to carry on one day at a time. I am new to this site too. It helps sometimes to talk about it.

 

Thank you yes just one day at a time. I need to keep going because he can live on through me and my memories, and love.

 

I lost my darling wife of 49 years to cancer three months ago. I am 90 years old and completely destroyed. I cry for her every day. I am so sorry that you are going through the same hell Leaf. I wish for you all that I wish for myself - courage (which I am yet to find), an end to the constant longing for all that has been lost and the ability to take pleasure from your thousands of happy memories. At present, when I think of my dear wife, I see her fighting her loathsome disease - not what I wanted to see.

 

So sorry really sorry for your loss,no need to apologize for no one wants to be here on this site but here we are, it sucks.I do believe it is helpful to know we are not alone in this battle.I loss my wife 8 months ago today to cancer 59 years young,still seems like yesterday.Like you i wish i could hold her one more time .I find the time goes by quickly but the pain and heartbreak not at all,it is all i can do to put one foot in front of the other day by day.Make sure to take care of yourself the best you can be good to yourself let your emotions come out i still do,i put a punching bag in my basement and have wore it out.Brother we all will get through this and it is hard to see the light in this darkness i think we never will forget we just learn to live with it and this is hard hard stuff.Be strong and very courageous god bless you.

 

Peter - Thank you so much. I know how you feel because I too cry for her every day. It is just so hard and still unbelievable to me. Every day is a kind of battle and I do take solace in the thousands of good memories. I frcemyself to steer my mind away from the images and pain of her suffering. I hope you can do the same. What else do we have? Take care my friend and God bless you.

 

Thanks for your kind words. It is helpful to know that we all on this website are not alone. Often, like you said, it is all I can do to put one foot in front of the other. It has been three months since I lost my wife to cancer that we never even knew she had. The pain and sorrow seems unrelenting and it only seems like weeks ago instead of three months. Like you, I let the emotioms come. I pray for us and I will just keep on keeping on and hope that someday we will all regain some of our happiness. Take care, be well and may God bless you too.

 

After my darling wife received her terminal pancreatic cancer prognosis she worried more and more about me and what was to become of me. Wives do that, bless them. I don't know about the States but here in the UK there is a thriving business model supplying live-in house-keepers/companions to old folk living alone. I have just finished a trial week with such a lady. I think she is a nice person and she has tried hard to make life more bearable for me but it simply didn't work. She appeared to me almost as an intruder in my wife's home and, if at all possible, made me even more unhappy. Letting her go will simply add guilt to my list of torments! I am not sure why I mention this to you all unless it is to suggest that you think long and hard before taking a similar step yourselves. The lesson I have learned for myself is that there is no alternative but to live out my unhappiness alone and to the best of my ability. Covid 19 has ended "face to face" bereavement counseling here in the UK and I haven't found telephone counseling particularly comforting. May I ask how the rest of you have fared with external help?

 

At this time, I have only gone on this website for outside help. I think that you are right that there is no alternative but to live with and through the unhappiness. I also think you are right about telephone help although I have not tried it.. It is similar here as far as face to face because of Colvid. I can also understand your feeling of kind of being intruded upon. I still have many of my wife's things around that I will have to let go of but when I am ready. I don't want other people doing things with them. It is a hard road that we are all on.

 

My sweet wife Peg died suddenly from a brain aneurysm 11 months ago. We didn't get to talk about or plan how I was going to go on. I was in shock and don't really remember the first 3 months. I was depressed, and on autopilot I guess. Thank God for shock! I can't say what I might have done. I'm 62. We were starting to talk about my retirement and I was looking so forward to it! Not now. I'm best when I'm at work. Keeps my mind occupied. My/our children are all grown and out of the house. After everyone went back to their lives and didn't want to talk about my grief I still needed to talk. I found a therapist. That lasted until Covid19 came to town. I don't like phone therapy so I won't do it. After about 8 months I met a woman while walking my dog around the neighborhood. She walks her dog too. She's alone, very nice, kind hearted, loving soul and we've been spending time together ever since. It certainly took the edge off loneliness. I'm so sorry you and I are both here. It's the loneliness, hardest, worst thing I've ever faced in my life! Take care of your health. Grieving is so hard on you. Peace and happiness to you.

 

Barry,

You said it well. I was glad to hear you have a new friend. someone to talk to.

Best regards.

Paul M.

 

Thank you Paul. Have a good evening and a peaceful day tomorrow.

 

I truly believe that we are all going through the absolute worst that life can throw at us and I also believe that it makes is all very vulnerable. You mentioned your wife's things Leaf, it is just over three months since I lost my darling Gill and only a week since I moved back into "our" bedroom. I was in one way disappointed that she didn't feel close by and in another a little relieved. I reached out for her but that was instinctive. I can't even peep inside her wardrobes and drawers, I am not strong enough for that. How fortunate you were to meet a lady in a similar position yourself Barry, I hope you can find comfort in each other's company. May God bless is all and bring us some kind of peace.

 

I also tried to collect my wife's clothes and give them away. I picked up the first piece, broke down, put it back and have not tried to do that again. My step-daughters said they would do it for me but as yet still haven't. One has yet to even step foot in our house since that day. I have done a thorough house cleaning. Moved furniture, created new rooms from old clutter spots, but I can't throw anything away yet and have no plans of ever leaving our house even though I know it's much bigger than I need now. I'm still living one day at a time. I have a lot to get through in the winter months. Anniversaries, holidays, birthdays. I pray daily for love and happiness in my life. So far I feel like she hears me and is helping me in many ways.

 

I could never leave the home that Gill and I shared for so many happy years and I would rather die than end up in an old folk's home of any kind. Many years ago we agreed that we would both like to die at home rather than in a hospital. Gill did so and even though it was an ugly, heart breaking, event I am happy that she had her wish and that I was able to hold her hand. Now, such is my wretched state, that even stumbling upon a photograph of her cracks me up all over again.
Isn't it rather special that, even though we are from different parts of the world, our common grief bonds us all together in this way? Brothers in sadness! I wish for you all the peace that we so desperately seek.

 

My sweet wife Peg said the exact same thing. She died in our home also. Nov.2,2019. Quickly and almost painlessly the way she said she wanted to go many times before. She had a massive brain aneurysm on an otherwise beautiful day. Within minutes of her saying she had a terrible headache she was unconscious and in an ambulance. When I got to the hospital she was in a coma and on life support. It was the worst day of my life! I hope I can go the same way. She was 68. We were together 25 years. The best years of my life! Raised 3 girls. Still to this day I have hours of just being numb and in shock. I can't think straight or make even the simplest decisions. I'm sure I suffer PTSD. I'm trying the best I can to go on and live. I'm sure you are too. Peace brother! One day at a time.

 

One week more on this dreadful journey, I truly see no point in living through such misery with nothing but loneliness at the end of it. I took our beagle on Gill's favourite walk this morning - the first time since she died in July - for the briefest of moments I felt that she was alongside me. Cue for another weeping session when we got back to the car. I have even had to put away photographs of her, I am ashamed that they should distress me so. A peaceful day to you all.

 

Dear Peter - There is no shame in it Peter. I cry every day and its not just photos but every day little things around the house that trigger memories. Sometimes a happy memory is triggered that makes me smile instead of cry. I hope that happens to you too.

 

I can agree with Leaf. On a bad day a memory can make me cry. That same memory can make me smile on a good day. This journey and pain is so new for you. Please believe that good days will come more often as the time goes by. Feeling the way you do is perfectly normal and natural. We all started out this way. Please don't give up. Walks are good for you. Do it as often as you can stand. Walks are very good for me.