I hate online dating

Discussion in 'Dating Again After the Loss of a Spouse/Partner' started by Kata, Aug 22, 2020.

  1. Kata

    Kata Active Member

    Thanks for the supportive reply Paul. I’m glad to hear you voice your take on the two guys I just dealt with. It concisely explains why they were no good for me. I can see it so clearly in hindsight but get hindered in the moment by unrealistic expectations and associated emotions.

    I decided to move to Rochester because I have two good friends there (no close friends in CT). I lived there for 7 years a while back. . Unemployment was high, there wasn’t a thriving city center. When I first talked to my agent, I jokingly said “well I’ve lived here before so I know it’s kinda the opposite of charming. It’s not going to win any best places to live awards”. And then he told me one mag did have it on their list. Another big reason to move is the Eastman School. I’d be living near a premiere music school, which means easy access to great violin teachers, lots of choices to perform and see great performances by great players. It will be a rediscovery of something I love dearly.

    I’d love to tell you how the changes are going. It’s nice to be able to share and know someone is listening and sharing insights. Thanks!
  2. paul tinker

    paul tinker Well-Known Member

    This sounds like an adveture so please do up dates. I am exited for you. From time to time I would want out of s
    Kata likes this.
  3. paul tinker

    paul tinker Well-Known Member

    Seattle but I thought at least a community college. Some connection to culture.

    This has become a community of sorts. A Nam Vet in Maine, a gal in Mississippi, North Carolina and a long time friend in NM. A gal I like here and all the attraction for but both timid on making big steps. She wants an Ocean trip for a few days. That I am looking forward to and she has a dog that loves the beach. Part of that trip will be collecting driftwood for the Gal in Sip or Mississippi as they say. She is married and we made sure this our writing is plutonic. She lost her dad.

    My take is friends more the better. A workmate just reached out and now is in India embracing a Sikh life and all in. I am excited to talk with him. A gal I knew in HS just reached out and a dog walks with fifty years to catch up on. Crushing was her report of her sister now passed and a terrific friend we knew in common. She has done escort duty for a deceased husband. I hate losing people no matter any philosophical I care so much. That is the mind and not the heart.

    A gal I wrote to here from NY just checked in.

    We are slowly and really just crawling to build a new life but never forgetting the old. We cherish our partners.

    Yes, tell me all. A musician, agent.? Love it.
    Kata likes this.
  4. paul tinker

    paul tinker Well-Known Member


    A small world. I had dinner with a friend and a gal from Rochester. She did say a very good music city. Services are OK. Yes, pockets of decay and economic times but some optimism mixed in.
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  5. paul tinker

    paul tinker Well-Known Member


    How are you?
  6. Kata

    Kata Active Member

    Just OK. I had to take a break from one of my best friends because she has been trying to convince me that I’m too cheerful when I talk to her and that I’m about to have a nervous breakdown. Also she regularly gave me advice on other subjects under protest.

    I thought I’d feel better after the break but it wasn’t a big relief. I’m sad we can’t talk anymore, not sure if it’s going to be permanent. All I know is that standing up to her was exhausting.

    On the bright side started taking online yoga classes with my favorite teacher. First night in a long time that I got a full night’s sleep.

  7. paul tinker

    paul tinker Well-Known Member


    First, so glad you are doing the yoga class and have a teacher the is right for you. I have Hiedi that is perfect and I love dearly. I have so much confidence in her. She is dedicated to and knowledgeable about better living using Vidic wisdom. I needed the class in-person to follow to be able to participate. That is a focus issue and a tech issue for me. Prior to COVID classes three times a week. So many benefits from an hour of well-spent time. The short story is missing that and have to adjust to the online format. The benefits are so many. Working on strength, flex ability, stamina is terrific but the over sense of well being actually works and is substance-free well being. Happy you found a way to still have that experience.

    To lose a friend is hard. I value people in my life. Each person is unique and adds to my life in unique ways. I am unclear why this impasse exists. I would think cheerfulness is of good quality. I have friends that are very opinionated and will want me to follow their advice. I think getting a point os view is great but in the end, life choices have to our own. Ones that we can handle and feel right about. Then again some observations may have merit and information we need that others find challenging. A grief symptom is over talking. I was glad I was tolerated but eventually had adjust and listen. Sometimes I am the one that needs to more tolerant. Then there are people so intent that we think just as they do. Overbearing and exasperating. So many personalities and pitfalls in relationships. I know some people get too much friction and have a falling out but over time the issue is less and they want that friendship again. I think tp a friend may offer criticism and we have to evaluate is it accurate information. If true change and grow. I have no idea about your situation. I am guilty of dispensing advice all well-intended but really useless to that person. Then perhaps helpful but they have to agree. We are in the people business and that is not always smooth sailing.

    I have good days and then seriously not. Way to moody and in the high low condition. Emotionally often all over. Some people are in the middlemost of the time and are grounded. I admire that quality and would prefer to have that ability more frequently. This amusing thing happened. I went to the mailbox and the city of Seattle sent a notice. The good news people with oil heat will have this new tax-deferred due to COVID. I not sp good news I had no idea the tax existed. This can get political. Government using tax or money to influence behavior. The sin taxes on cigarettes or to much sugar so a tax on soda. In this case, heating oil and global warming. Some people get irate over being mandated. I would guess most wear a seat belt or are very conscious over drunk driving or the helmet law for motorcycles. Change is forced upon us and we are reluctant to accept this change. Most new rules are OK. I hate flying because of the security hassles but get those are necessary. This heating oil tax is an expensive and structural rule. A fairly mild prod for better air and global warming. The simple solution is to quit smoking and use that unhealthful habit to pay this new tax.

    Kata, we all want love in our life. You are seeking that. The reward of what that can be so much. Someone to love and have a life with. A woman I care for is in my life. She has qualities that I dearly love. I think no matter who that person is. There will be adjustments the relationship will require. I would like to think that with enough seriousness and really great communication the obstacles can be less. Those warm feelings will find a way to compromise. That we are enough that and our more unchangeable selves are accepted. But we care enough to make the effort give up or just do what the relationship needs. That selfishness gives way to our chosen happiness is more important. My chosen has mental health issues and regretfully I do as well. The reason I care for her has good reasons. The obstacles perhaps more challenging and perhaps not resolvable but I would try. Then there are some core mental health issues that if repairable this relationship is credible. I may well be reaching for something I am ill-equipped to ask for. I just don't have these answers. Then if not is the answer to accept a life that is OK and livable just minus a quality I want so much. I am just stunned over how can I love her but those feelings are overwhelming.

    I think these wants are mutual. Perhaps the structural issue are not resolvable. I try to be as honest as possible. I may just be a person that those feeling are too much to handle. Then just accept a more subdued but unfulfilled life. Some people just get a cat, watch jeopardy, and look forward to a few hobbies. That is a life and nothing is wrong with that. I am motivated to try, doubtful o success, the means or remedy is not apparent. This may be a to soon issue. The opportunity presented. Perhaps there is away. Either way, information has been provided. Take these insecurities and fears and deal with them. The alternative is to build a life that is rewarding but minus the emotions that a romantic relationship offers.

    I think just stuck. I will try my best. Find a way if possible then accept I was reaching for too much. Just be mindful to not cause harm in the process. She is in a place that forming a new relationship is not possible. I am thinking to give it a year, I consider harm to be in the way of relationships that serve her better. I have had this conversation. So a supportive friendship exists. Be honest. Add and not subtract. Hope for the best. Let time with a ton of work to find away. Not easy to have one's faults so reveled.

    You will move. Do your meetups. Be open to love and companionship. Continue to grow and be in life. Should you choose you can report your success in whatever endeavor and feel free to express the obstacles. I don't mind poaching a good idea or learning from a broken attempt. There may people that never made a mistake but I don't know any. Just how big and what was learned the hard way.

    Thanks for the interaction and for sharing your life.

    Paul M.
  8. Kata

    Kata Active Member

    So glad to read your quick reply. Interesting thoughts. Reminds of one of my ex-boyfriends that said “I’d marry you but we both have depression”. He meant he “would have” because at the time we were both happily married.

    I’m still feeling down about losing my friend, and I feel a tug towards depression. Feeling of shutting down and shutting out the world. Fortunately I’ve learned how to realize when it’s happening and I do the opposite of what the depression wants to do. Reaching out to friends has a huge impact if I’m feeling low, so I talk to all my good friends. I’ll be reaching out to them every day until I’m not feeling that depression down. It’s just thoughts, not all the time, and no change in my ability to act. This is when I have to keep it at bay, because if I let it pull me down and down I’ll be in a place where it’s really hard to come out of.

    I understand my difficult friend giving unasked for advice. I sometimes slip. If I do it by accident I apologize.

    Im signing up for an online class about relationships. It’s such a timely subject for me so looking forward to it.

    Thanks as always for sharing and your support
  9. paul tinker

    paul tinker Well-Known Member


    The online class seems a good idea. As you have identified our moods and sense of well being are tied to people in our lives. You are a music person and that is terrific. Music I think is the language of emotions. So much of popular music is about romance. That music has well-known themes. Adell has made a career in those themes. The same with Country Western, that one I only briefly spend time with. The themes are the same concerning Romantic Love. When new and fresh, full of the promise we are on top of the world. When gone or some obstacles become to difficult to navigate. We are despondent and experiencing the other extreme.

    The promise and reward I get. The challenges I also get. The ratios I question. Those are how much dependence to independence.? The capacity to give in relation to receiving. Fairly content in my own realm and my partner's happiness are important. Complementary and ease of being together. The question are we a basket full of needs or a basket of some needs but mostly well-navigaed life skills.

    My marriage ended in Death. I am reeling in that loss. In that is the gratitude for what was given. Some of that loss are a simple division of labor things. I was good at bills, car repair, taxes, finance, fetching things from a tall shelf, spider removal. She had a gift for introducing the new, tolerance, and love of life. The tangibles we now do for our selves. I learn to cook. The intangibles are so unique and not so easy to replace. Long term relationships seem about companionship and admiration of our partner.

    Heather's life ended due to infidelity. A long painful process of deceit, lying, selfishness, and very damaging anger. A laundry list of unworthiness and crushing self-esteem. If both parties are financially secure then fine. Treat relationships like underwear. Her ex had a serial style. A new woman was like a new car. When the new car smell wore off just get a new one. I just question the, "feeling". Security from my point of view takes time to achieve. Too many failed to chase the feeling and a change of heart. That seems more about fix me minus responsibility.

    I think it's good you push the pause button and take a class. I am seeing to much need in myself. But I think like a doctor and their oath. Do no harm has a moral ring of truth. I talk with people and in the end, the stop signs are so obvious. Personally, the easy ones are addictions. Alcohol dependency, gambling, abusive anger, lack of income or huge debt, impulse control. few if any friends. sexual addiction, the attention that becomes controlling are all large-stop signs. Conventional wisdom is to take time time to build our selves. I owe so much to Heather as she was there at my lowest point. Those first several months from Kay's passing were the most devastating and unsurvivable period in my life. She called each day to check-in. During her relationship disintegration, I was in her corner and advocated for her. I am also in her debt for revealing some insecurities that are not relationship worthy. I think fortunate it was she as we care for each other a great deal. The more I know her the more there is to love. Then too are the obstacles. If a Las Vegas oddsmaker long odds but do no harm is central.

    Kata I am curious a bit about you. The qualities you bring and those you seek? A happy married life and why it was happy? Those are very personal questions. Tina Turner has the take that love is a second-hand emotion. Then Bette Midler singing, The Rose. A heart so afraid of dying never learns to live. Then I am a Warren Buffet fan and he has a humorous homily that the punch line is, " Ask the right question". You have been on this earth for a time. You have seen relationships that ended and ones that stayed but not all that happy. Then the ones we all would want. Those universally have humor, emotional stability, compatibility, honesty, generosity, and great communication with self-knowledge. I would add a good work ethic, tolerance, compromise. selfless giving but more a genuine we love our persons well being. Would you add to this list?

    Then the question if not romantic love. What does a full-filled life look like?

    Very personal questions. Health is good. Financial worry maybe not perfect but manageable. Emotional well being, Hobbies, Growth, and really good friends. My worst and so apparent from Kay's passing is dealing with solitude.

    We are all in the same boat. Some a little better than others.

    Share what is comfortable.