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I hate it

Discussion in 'Coping After a Sudden Loss' started by Lost!, Sep 23, 2021.

  1. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Cynde, you put it beautifully. I feel the
    same way. There is no time limit for
    mourning. It's important to be kind to
    yourself. The 1st time I went to my
    nurse practioner's office, without Linda,
    I sobbed in her office, and told her Linda
    didn't like many doctors, but we both
    liked her. She put her hand on my
    shoulder, and she has become my go to
    person for everything. I fell recently, not
    looking where I was going. One knee was
    cut, but the other tensed up, and I had
    trouble tying my sneakers or using the
    stairs, without hurting. I was sent to a
    rehab unit. The thought depressed me,
    bc Linda had been doing PT, when she
    died. I was greeted by a young, married
    mother, as my PT. I told her I needed to
    talk with her about Linda, before we did
    the exercises. When she said Linda was
    quite a woman, I lost it, and cried.She
    gave me kleenex, and I thanked her for
    being my "grief counselor", & both of us
    smiled. L
     
  2. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member

    Cynde,

    I'm so very sorry for your loss. I introduced myself to you very briefly on another thread. I didn't have much time to "talk," but wanted you to know you're not alone, that all of us are here for you. I'm so sorry we had to meet under these circumstances, but so glad you found us, and have decided to stick around. At first I didn't think an online bereavement support group would be able to help me, but I was wrong. Joining this group was one of the best things I did for myself since my husband, Bob, passed away. I hope you'll find that being here, helps you as much as it helps me.

    Our situations are different. While your husband, Ryan, passed away suddenly, Bob, suffered from many chronic illnesses over the course of many years. I became his full time caregiver in the beginning of 2018. It was the beginning of the end. I have three children too, but they are adults, living interesting and exciting lives, all very far away from where I'm now living. While they miss their father very much, they've been able to move on, something I can't do. My heart breaks for you. I don't have the added responsibility of caring for a teenager, when at times, I feel like I can barely take care of myself. I can't even begin to imagine how exhausted you must be, both emotionally and physically.

    It was Lou, who finally got me to say my husband's name while "talking" to everyone in this group. It was a turning point for me, it made Bob's death seem all the more "real," not that it didn't seem real before, but just saying his name, seeing it in print, hit me like a ton of bricks... I did lots of crying the first time I mentioned Bob's name. I think it's very brave of you to tell us Ryan's name, so soon after he passed away. I've found that sharing stories of my life with Bob, both during the best of times, and the worst of times, helps me keep his spirit alive. I need to keep his spirit alive. I need to believe that he is here, watching over me. I don't think I would be able to make it though another day if I didn't believe this.

    I'm looking forward to getting to "know" you better.

    Sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB
     
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  3. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Deb, I'm always moved ( and flattered)
    when you give me credit for asking the
    name of your husband, Bob. During my
    1st session with my grief counselor, I
    wanted to say Linda's name. I couldn't
    bring myself to tell the therapist about
    happy memories with Linda, until much
    later. My emotions, like Cynde's , were too
    raw. You invoked a wise quote by Robin,
    about happiness, mixed with sadness. Bc
    you did that, I reached out to Robin, after
    2 months. The more people with whom I
    share stories on Grief in Common, the
    better. We learn from each other, in
    addition to comforting each other. It is
    sometimes draining, and we dissolve into
    tears, but it is healthier than holding it in.
    I've had a full day, involving my medical
    issues, and I'm looking forward to a good
    night's sleep. One of the things I like about
    early fall, aside from the changing colors
    of the trees, is getting under a warm
    blanket, in a cool room. Have a good
    night, Deb. "See you " in the morning. Lou
     
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  4. Cynde1966

    Cynde1966 Member

    Thank you for your reply
    Thank you your reply,
    I am struggling with loneliness and it runs deep. I really hate being alone. I always have. I know that things could be a lot worse.
    I miss Ryan terribly. I struggle with missing him everyday. I keep talking about it as much as can with anyone who will listen I feel consumed. Sorry i am ranting it is a tough day today
     
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  5. Cynde1966

    Cynde1966 Member

    Like the idea of a journal. It will help keep me focused and plot my progress moving forward. Today is one month. Seems like yesterday and forever at the same time
     
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  6. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Cynde, just saw your reply to my good
    friend, Deb. So sorry you are having a
    rough day. Feel free to"rant" or cry to us
    anytime. I just welcomed a new member,
    George (eyepilot 13), whose wife, Valerie.
    died. I'm so glad you're staying with us and
    not trying to mourn Ryan on your own.
    Lou
     
  7. Cynde1966

    Cynde1966 Member

     
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  8. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Thank you Lou, you’re right Ron would be very proud of me in many things I’ve had to deal with since his passing. But dealing with the septic tank was a huge for me, and Christmas was feeling hard enough, then that had to happen. But as you know it’s not just the big things, it’s everything, big or small. I know many people keep journals I’m glad it’s helpful for you and helps you keep track of your interactions with people. I totally understand your anxiety with doctors and not having Linda to go with you. Ron always went with me because I feel anxious with doctors too. You should feel secure knowing Linda is proud of you. You’re making progress in many areas. We should all be proud of ourselves too. Just getting through each day is an accomplishment. Continue to take things day by day.
     
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  9. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    I know that each week counted after a loss feels like how can it be a week, 2 weeks etc then the months start. I was just like you’re saying snd still feel that way. Like yesterday and forever. I know each milestone is difficult. People think we get better over time, but in reality sometimes it feels worse as more time passes. I remember saying, it’s been too long I need Ron to come home now. Anyway, wanted to send you a hug and let you know you’re in my prayers. Take care
     
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  10. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Sorry I'm slow getting back to you,
    Robin. I've been welcoming a new
    member, George (eyepilot 13) whose
    wife recently died. He's younger than I am,
    but was married longer. I'm outside,
    enjoying the Oct air. I don't want to sound
    like a Pollyanna, but I just received a
    wonderful quotation today, about the
    joy that October can be. It came by
    email from Center for Loss. I enjoy
    getting an email quote about grief from
    them , every day. I contacted Karyn
    Arnold about it, and she thought it was a
    great idea. I've recommended it to Deb
    and George. I'd be interested in what you
    think, Robin. Lou
     
  11. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member

    Cynde,

    I'm so sorry I'm getting back here over 24 hours after you replied to me. I try to keep up with everything that's happening, but sometimes I'm just so emotionally and physically drained, it takes me awhile to respond. Like you, I struggle with being alone, and feeling lonely, on a daily basis. I find myself talking to Bob as though he was still here, with me. Whenever I have a difficult decision I have to make, I talk to him even more, searching for what he would have said to me, done in a similar situation. It's strange, although he isn't with me physically, I sometimes feel his presence in the house. I believe Bob is watching over me. I have to believe this. I don't think I would be able to make it through another day if I didn't believe this.

    I can't say things have gotten any better for me. I'm still alone, and feeling as lonely as I did in the beginning. I think the only difference, (the sixth month anniversary of Bob's death is on October 11th) is that I'm getting used to feeling this way. I'm not sure if "used to" is the right way to describe how I'm feeling, but it's all I can think of right now. It totally sucks!!!

    I'm glad that you're able to talk about how you're feeling, and not try to hide your feelings, keep them bottled up inside. No need to ever apologize for venting!!! That's what all of us are here for, to "listen," and to be here for each other. We're all in the same boat you're in. Somehow, we'll all get through this together...

    I'm emotionally and physically drained, so stopping here.

    Sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB
     
  12. Cynde1966

    Cynde1966 Member

    I understand the exhaustion i am doing so much more now than i did when Ryan was here. The chores seem endless somehow. But i push forward as best i can. Baby steps forward are still forward steps
     
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  13. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Deb, woke up briefly & wanted to "check in" with you. I promise to go back to sleep.
    You & I have to comfort each other
    Oct.11 and Oct.13. Linda would've turned
    71. She was a little over a year younger
    than I. We shared the same cultural
    history, in music, movies, and childhood
    TV shows. We watched Ed Sullivan. She
    wanted to see The Beatles, in person, but
    her patents wouldn't permit it. She was
    mad at them for missing an historic
    occasion. We loved Disney shows on
    Sunday nights. When we went to Disneyland, and walked into the castle,
    we heard the welcoming voice of Jiminy
    Cricket, and cried. We were both sensitive
    and emotional. That's one of the reasons
    I loved her. She had a soft heart, like I do.
    She couldn't forgive cruelty and abuse
    toward either innocent children, or
    animals. Better stop now, Deb, as promised. You mentioned taking
    ibuprofen. May I ask what's going on?
    I'm not nosy, but I care. You saw me
    through my falling, PT, and cataract
    surgery. When I'm down & feel things
    are hopeless and never-ending, Kim,
    who has witnessed tragedy in her family,
    says, " It will work out" and " God has a
    plan for us". She was right about my
    medical issues, and is comforting and
    listening to me, about Linda, even though
    she never met her. Lou
     
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  14. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Anytime, I see you crying, I'm here,
    Cynde. As Deb says, I'm sending you
    hugs. No woman has hugged me since
    the nurses at the ER, the night Linda
    died. A male friend surprised me with a
    manly bear hug, instead of a handshake,
    or the usual fistbump. All of us need the
    physical touch from another person. We
    weren't meant to go through life alone and
    miserable, with no one with whom to
    talk, or laugh, share meals, or the natural
    beauty outside. I don't want to get married
    again. Linda & I were married 25 years.
    But, a companion who had her own place,
    perhaps a widow, would be good for me.
    I live in a small town, so chances are that
    she would be a daytripper tourist, from
    Boston, who loves the ocean area, where
    I live. Deb said she'd be happy for me, if
    and when that were to happen. Lou
     
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  15. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

     
  16. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

     
  17. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member

    Cynde,

    Sadly, I don't think I appreciated enough all the little things Bob used to do around the house until he passed away. He's been gone almost six months and it still seems like everyday there is something else that needs to be taken care of, fixed, etc. Luckily, I have great next door neighbors, but I hate bothering them with all the small things. I was so proud of myself when I was able to fix my ice maker myself. It took me forever, but I watched several You Tube videos, kept telling myself I could do it, and I did it!

    I still have so much to learn about household maintenance... I know that I'm going to need to replace my HVAC system soon, or at least the AC unit. I remember Bob telling me that it makes more sense to replace the entire system instead taking of taking a band-aid approach to the problem. Replacing the entire system will be so expensive, plus at this moment, I really feel like I need to move (too many bad memories here.) At times like this, I find myself talking to Bob even more than I normally do, needing/wanting his advice, still unsure of myself when it comes to making big decisions alone.

    I really miss all the little things Bob would do for me when I wasn't feeling well..., make me a cup of tea, go to the grocery store, the pharmacy, toss in a load of wash, etc, etc., etc.... It makes me feel so much more lonely (if this is even possible), now that my soulmate, my "person" is no longer here, knowing that no one will ever have my back the way Bob did. I miss him so very much... I need a tissue.

    This morning is one of those gray, cloudy days... The kind of day Bob and I would make breakfast together, linger over a pot of coffee, talking about so many things, our plans for the day, the week, our future plans, etc., etc., etc. I feel especially lonely on days like today.

    I love your way of thinking, baby steps are steps in the right direction.

    I hope you have at least one reason to smile today...

    Sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB
     
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  18. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Deb, It is goog to see you having a heart
    to heart talk with Cynde this am, but I
    hope you can respond to my middle of
    night email to you, and the one I just
    did now. Your comments about Bob
    taking care of you when you were ill,
    reminds me of Linda taking care of me,
    in the beginning: cooking, working
    difficult jobs, as a waitress, and hauling
    heavy deli meats, in a supermarket, in her
    50s, bc I was in a bad emotional state &
    couldn't work. Linda had to work with
    mean, younger co-workers. I felt extremely guilty about that after she
    died. My grief therapist pointed out that
    BOTH of us made unwise financial
    decisions, not just me, which brought us
    to that point. When Linda became ill,
    with diabetes, and then, breast cancer,
    I was the one to be the caregiver, and
    cook, clean, go grocery shopping. I broke
    the monotony by taking her out to
    breakfast, overlooking the vast ocean,
    in our nearby city. We were able to
    have a moment of serenity, at last. Linda
    called it "a Zen moment". Lou
     
  19. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member

    Lou,

    Thanks for checking in with me again in the way too early morning hours. This time you got me to smile because you promised to go back to sleep.

    I could go on and on and on, just like Linda when it comes to talking about abuse towards children and animals. But, I'm going to get off my soapbox before I even begin.

    I'm about eight years behind you and Linda. I remember being very young, about five at the time, and wanting to go to a Beatles concert with my next door neighbor who was in her teens. I cried because I was way too young to go. My aunt bought me one of those Paul McCartney plastic dolls. Somehow, during one of my many moves, I must have misplaced it. I wish I had it now. I used to watch the Ed Sullivan Show too.

    Changes in the weather are a major migraine trigger for me. I'm lucky because I always get an aura before one hits. I get bright "zig zagging" colored lines in my field of vision, along with flashes of light. All the bright lights make it impossible for me to see, and I temporarily lose some of my vision. Years ago, I didn't want to take drugs used to treat migraines because they would have made me drowsy. I needed to be alert to take care of my children. My doctor told me as an alternative to migraine meds, to take 800 mgs of ibuprofen the second an aura hits. It was excellent advice. Usually, if I'm able to take ibuprofen within five minutes of getting an aura, I'm able to stop the migraine before it starts. It only takes about 20 minutes for the ibuprofen to kick in, and when it does, my vision returns to normal. However, after this happens, I'm exhausted for the rest of the day. I didn't mean to start a book on migraines, so stopping here.

    We will definitely take care of each other on October 11th and again on October 13th. We will have to take care of so many others here too. October seems to be a bad month for way too many of us. Still sort of on the same subject, today is a cloudy, gloomy day. The weather is affecting my mood. I'm feeling really lonely and sad this morning. It doesn't help that I had to take more Ibuprofen when I woke up. Sometimes I'll have to pop it for days on end, and then sometimes I can go for months without needing any. Just to be safe, I keep bottles of Ibuprofen everywhere, in my car, my purse, in a kitchen cabinet, in a draw in the bathroom.

    I'm going to pour another cup of coffee. I'm totally fried and it's still early in the day.

    I hope your day is off to a much better start than mine!!!

    As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB
     
  20. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member


    Lou,

    I responded to another one of your messages last night, I think it's on the thread I started, "Memories." I'm not sure if you saw it. It's so hard to keep up with all these messages!, to be able to follow them. I replied to the message you left me in the middle of the night, but it was way after I responded to Cynde's.

    Linda took care of you because of how much she loved you, she was there when you needed her most. I wish you didn't feel guilty about this. There are always times in every marriage, where one person is more needy than the other one. You were there for Linda, at the very darkest moments in her life, and what turned out to be the very darkest moments in your life too. You selflessly took care of her, and made life as good as you possibly could for both of you. Being a full time caregiver for Bob was the hardest job I've ever had, but one I would do again in a second, if I could. I know you feel the same was as I do about Linda. Linda and Bob both knew how much we loved them, and I wish with all my heart, they still know how much we love them...

    I hope you find many reasons to smile today...

    As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB