I had no idea of the depths sadness could go

I lost my strong 52 year old husband one week ago. He was so much more than what I would have imagined a husband to be. He was my best friend, my vaca buddy, my source of inspiration, the person who loved and cared for me more than I could have ever imagined. He was the funniest person I ever met and could make me laugh even when I didn't want to.
2.5 years ago we learned that he had stage 4 lung cancer. This came as a huge shock as he never smoked and was an athlete. We later learned that he was a 9\11 victim. Not a first responder, he was a bond trader who had no idea he was risking his life by going to work on 9\11.

Although he had a terminal diagnosis he was doing well, his oncologist often said Terence was a marvel and he wished all his patients were doing as well, turns out he wasn't doing so well.

Last week he went in for a blood transfusion, he hadn't been feeling well and they found that he was anemic so scheduled an in office transfusion. When we arrived on Friday I dropped him off at the entrance then parked the car to join him. When I got to the door they informed me that they had just instituted a policy that only patients were allowed in the building. I could not sit with him during the transfusion or go in to say goodbye. We spoke on the phone so I could explain new policy and said i would be back to pick him up after the transfusion. He let me know he did not have his charger and his phone was dying so we wouldn't talk till I picked him up.

About 3 hours later the nurse called me to say he had spiked a fever and was not responding to transfusion so they were taking him by ambulance to Sloan in the city. I said I would meet him there but the nurse told me that there was a no visitation policy so i should stay home.

I heard from my husband at about 6p to say he was in his room but was exhausted and needed sleep and he would call me in the morning. At about midnight I got a call from the hospital saying that my husbands heart had stopped and they were trying to revive him and said I should get to the hospital immediately.

My husbands friend drove me to the hospital. When we arrived they said I would have to wait to come up to the floor for about a half hour as they were still working on him. About an hour later they told me I could come up and I should bring my friend with me. I arrived at the ICU where they put gloves masks and gowns on us and let us sit outside my husbands room while they were still trying to revive him. This went on for about 2 hours. They finally asked me if I wanted them to continue and explained he had not had oxygen to his brain for many hours. I asked them to stop, they cleaned him up, took him off the machines, and I held his hand for the last 10 minutes of his life. I thought that was the worst moment of my life until I have experienced the moment after that and the moment after that.......I keep thinking I can not possibly feel more sad but somehow the sadness keeps finding new depths.

I can not even mourn in any traditional sense as there are no funerals or wakes allowed. I can't have people visiting and I can't go out for drinks with friends. People keep calling and sending food, but there is no one to share the food with and I don't find phone calls comforting. People do stop by but it is awkward and uncomfortable trying to maintain any social distance. I long to feel his hug and can't get that comfort from others.

We spent the last 25 years together, just the two of us, no children. We live(d)? in a nice size house that feels way to big now. I keep smoking too many cigarettes and eating junk. I know I should be practicing some kind of self care but really can't care. I am a social worker in essential services and some people have suggested I go back to work to take my mind off of my loneliness and sadness but I just don't want to and don't think I could pretend to care about others right now. I resent the suggestion and feel angry about it but my brain knows the people making that suggestion really think they are helping, they are not!

I hate that people keep asking me how I am. They don't want to hear that I am utterly devastated and in total disbelief that the world keeps spinning. I feel like they need me to reassure them that I am OK. I am not OK and can't imagine a time that I will ever be OK again.

 

Pam,

I know words can’t express how sorry I feel for you for the loss of Terence. Not being able to be with the one you loved so much in life must truly have been heartbreaking. With these terrible times we live in so many precautions that are being taken seem to not allow us to have that needed closeness during the most dire of times in our loved ones life.

I was in that regard one of the lucky ones, my wife of 42 years died of cancer, but there was never a time I couldn’t be with her, cry with her, hug her, kiss her and talk to her. I agree with you when we are seeing the one we loved in life slowly be taken from us there are no words that are adequate, no hugs that will take away the pain, and nothing short of miracle that will allow us to live as one again.

I am always troubled by suffering, not just for myself, but for others. You can see the sorrow in someone’s eyes and during that time nothing seems right.

I remember when I was at my wife Nadine’s funeral, all her relatives and friends, some who I couldn’t recall perhaps due to the stress I was feeling. I was given hugs and kisses over and over, words were said I never heard, I must have appeared stoneface a lot.

In the audience, there were over a hundred people, most of whom I had never met, but again it was a depressing time. My two sons sat in the front row behind the podium for speakers and I could see the same look on their face.

Person after person got up to speak of Nadine, I half listened, I guess deep in thought. I didn’t think about it much, but after the priest stopped talking and he then asked me to say something.

I had no prepared words, just a deer caught in the headlights, or like a scare rabbit, I walked to the podium.

I could feel my son's intense gaze, I could now see those tears in their eyes. I looked above the audience, not at them, and said things from my heart, I think it took about ten minutes, because everything that I said was so many wonderful things that had happened in our lives, not her amazing accomplishments.

Sure I was scared, not sure of myself, but when I finished I can’t remember a lot of what I said, only that when the priest stepped back to the podium he first hugged me, then said, as you can see it is the small things in life that count. Those are the times we will remember for the rest of our lives.

Pam, your husband Terence, sounded like an amazing person. It is wonderful to hear how blessed your life was with him. Losing him is enormously hard to get beyond, and this intense sorrow and grief you are feeling will be hard to get beyond.

Pam, I know days and nights will be lonely. I found myself searching for ways to move forward in life by finding things to help me cope with the loss. I have lived a life, travelled a lot, not just in the US but over the world, and from there I have so many memories I saved in pictures, videos and music.

Music has been with me since a child, when I purchased a clock radio to help me wake for my paper route, and listen to the music. My mom and dad loved all the old shows, with their music as well. I can remember the first shows on television, our first color television, and all the great moments they provided.

Mom and dad would play so many songs, mom would sing along and us kids, I have a step brother and two sisters, would just sit and smile. Mom made me go to dance school with my older sister, each year we would be in a recital where we would sing and dance, man, some of the pictures were funny.

Pam, I guess what I am saying is life and all it encompasses is who we have become as a person. We take our memories and add to them and save them whenever possible.

Why I say this, you will always have those memories of you both to look back upon on those days that are hard to get through. I have cried so many tears, as I am sure you will as well, it is natural and to be expected in your great time of need.

This grief will be hard to face. Just take it slowly, and please post, no matter what type of feelings you are having. Also, please don’t ever give in to despair. Take care of yourself.

-david

I found this song I hope you like it

 

Pam, I am so sorry for your loss, reading your story made me cry. This horrible time we’re all going through making it so you couldn’t be with your husband. And now no funeral, no people able to give you a hug. My heart breaks for you.
I know exactly how you feel about the house feeling too big and it’s so quiet too. My husband and I were together since I was 16 and he was 19, and married 41 years. We had a wonderful life and we ran our business together. We were together all the time, work home and everything else. Out of no where he started feeling stomach sick which then turned to chest pains, from start to the loss of my loving husband was 2 hours. My daughter and I were ushered into our private waiting area in the hospital, felt like a lifetime waiting for information on him but it was relatively short, since it all happened to fast. He had a massive heart attack that I was told even if he had been to a cardiologist the day before this wouldn’t have been seen. He was so healthy, he always told me I’ll always take care of you. I’m strong like bull. And he was, and never sick. I feel terrible I couldn’t be with him his last moments, couldn’t hold his hand, couldn’t whisper to him, nothing. He lost his parents just a year previous, they past within 6 months of each other.
I agree that it’s way too soon to go back to work. Your mind is in a fog, you’re not thinking clear, do your best to take care you. You’re right that people think they’re being caring, but if they haven’t experienced such a loss they really don’t know what to say. At least they’re trying. Afraid I’ve experienced people asking how I am but then say something rude when I said, I’m dealing one day at a time. I’d hear, really? Still? Etc. it’s hurtful, so I understand that feeling.
This site has helped me so much and I know it will help you. People here know what you’re feeling understand the loss, the loneliness and want to help you as best we can. Like David said, keep posting and reading, for whatever reason it does help.
Just get through a moment at a time.
Robin

 

Coronavirus. Corona is such a pretty,
melodic word that belies the truth. It now represents an evil scourge that has taken over our lives. My wife (and eternal best friend, Janet,) died of brain cancer last October. My life and future died with her. I was with her 24/7 most of our life together (25 years). She was/is the best thing that ever happened to me. I didn’t even meet her until I was almost 60 years old, and she gave me the best 25 years of my life. She not only was the love of my life, but she was also my life coach and my mentor.
I was allowed to be with Janet 24 hours of every day until she passed. I can’t imagine the pain of not being able to be near her as she lay dying. This virus is a true nightmare in every sense of the word. Your eloquent description of Terrence had me crying like a Baby. I am so sorry that you have to endure all of this additional torment because of this horrible virus.
My prayers go with you as you fight these many challenges .
Bill

 

Pam. Wow. I feel terrible for you. Seeing that this happened only a week ago is shocking. You are most definitely in shock right now. You have to just concentrate on yourself. Try to eat right. Try to sleep well. Grief is so hard on you. You don't have to do anything you don't want to. Corona virus makes this time even harder for you. Loneliness is the hardest part for me. I lost my wife of 25 years almost 5 months ago now. She died suddenly of a brain aneurysm. No warning.

 

Pam, so sorry for your loss. Keep visiting here with us, we do want to hear from you, how you're doing we understand the pain. It's completely okay to say you're angry, or you're not okay and anything else. Give yourself time to get back to work or any demands placed on you. I finally got to the point where I told people I know what's best for me, and they're going to have to accept that. I try to keep in mind, these people have good intent, and getting angry at them is taking too much energy, the energy that I need for myself. You're in shock as said here, also disbelief. My husband was 55, I miss him everyday I'm also just about 5 months in. Those first few weeks I didn't want to go on, I was mad at the world, and to be honest I still have those feelings at times. Take your time, don't worry about what you're eating there were days I ate junk, or didn't eat at all. I made it a point to eat a bit of protein each day, and as time passed I got back into eating a bit better each day. I know we're supposed to stay in, but if you can get out for a walk if you're up to that will help. Some days I barely got off the couch, some days it was a big day if I brushed my teeth. Grief will kick you in the pants, it will exhaust you, and many times you may feel numb.

Not being with him is heartbreaking, although short you were able to hold his hand in his final moments, I was able to be there for my husband's passing also and it's bittersweet, and in many ways a bad memory, however I know it's where I'd choose to be for him.

Like you, we had no children, and a house that was too big for us both. At first I thought I have to get out right away, now most days I take comfort being in our home. I wish I could tell you what to do to make the pain go away, no one can because it's your journey. I do know what I can offer is that whatever you do is okay, no one should judge.

You're not alone.