I hope that by making this posting I can push myself into some sort of forward movement in what feels like an endless cycle of anxiety and depression. On April 24th of 2018 I woke up to a normal day, went to class but felt something was a miss when my dad asked me to check on my mom. My mother was a heavy drinker and smoker for a majority of her life. She had early onset arthritis in her back, a broken hip that never healed right, COPD, and was about to start radiation to battle throat cancer that was back for the 2nd time. I recall it being the first morning that my daughter, then 17 months old, could reach things on our table. I went to check on my mom after my last class. As soon as I opened the door I knew something was wrong because her walker was flipped on the floor in the living room. I found her unresponsive on the kitchen floor. The remainder was chaos between getting 911 on the phone and getting help from the neighbor. When they called us from the ER waiting room and into a separate room I already knew what they were going to tell me, I had lost my mom. I was 24 and we had become very close in the last few years, especially after my daughter was born. My childhood growing up with an alcoholic mother was a struggle but we had gotten past that and finally made most of our amends. I of course have self blame because I felt as if I should have checked on her sooner and didn't. The 1 year mark is coming quickly but I've started to feel like I'm stuck in the grieving process. The effect it's taking on me and my life are immense and I'm hoping to find the support and advice here that I need to help me take the next steps in my life.