I Feel Lost

Discussion in 'Coping After a Sudden Loss' started by AKeenan, Mar 1, 2020.

  1. AKeenan

    AKeenan New Member

    February 28, 2020 will forever be the worst day of my life. I woke early, around 5 a.m., and went downstairs to the kitchen to get something to drink. My fiance, hearing me stir, followed me downstairs as well. He poured himself a glass of water and said he had the "sort of headache that you can't sleep through." I suggested he take some ibuprofen, thinking it was just a headache, nothing more sinister. I then went back upstairs to bed to catch a couple more hours of sleep before I had to be up for work.
    My alarm went off at 7:00 a.m., but I'm notorious for hitting the snooze button five or six times before I actually get out of bed. At around 7:35, I pulled myself up and saw that my fiance was not in bed. I thought he must have gotten up early to feed the cats. I went downstairs and found him slumped over in the chair he usually sits in on our three season porch. I thought he had fallen asleep in that position, so I chuckled to myself and went out and gave him a quick rub on the back to wake him up. No response. I called his name. He didn't move. I crouched down closer to the floor so I could see his face. His lips and ears were blue; his eyes lifeless. Panicking, I put my hands on his cheeks and felt that he was cool. I ran to my phone and dialed 911.
    The dispatcher told me I needed to get my fiance on his back in order to start CPR until the paramedics arrived. Little did he know, my fiance was a BIG guy, and I am fairly petite. I tried to move him, but he ended up falling forward out of the chair in what I can only describe as a contorted position. I tried with all the might I could muster, but I couldn't maneuver him onto his back. It didn't take long for EMS to arrive, maybe about 7 minutes. They initiated CPR and administered epinephrine and Narcan. They attached a defibrillator. All I could do was sob and watch in horror as they took him out to the ambulance. I think I knew then that he was dead, but a small part of me wanted so badly to believe there was still a chance.
    I am wracked with guilt: I should have taken his headache more seriously. I should have waken up just one hour earlier. I should have been able to start CPR. My mind is full of what ifs.
    He was the love of my life, and now suddenly he is gone much, much too soon at the age of 31. We were supposed to grow old together, and I am utterly lost in this world without him. I don't know that I can ever move on from this. All I can do is cry.
  2. ainie

    ainie Well-Known Member

    Just breath. I am so sorry this happened to you. Know that you did absolutely NOTHING wrong. Every person alive would have reacted to the headache as you did. I will be thinking of you in the coming days. You just do what you must. Hugs and prayers for solace at this unbelievably difficult time.
  3. glego

    glego Well-Known Member

    So sorry, much too young. As ainie said, every person would have reacted the same, this is very true. People get headaches all the time and recover without incident. The heartache you're feeling now can't be measured. You will be in my thoughts.
    RLC likes this.
  4. Bogman

    Bogman Well-Known Member

    Thats a terrible story, I'm so sorry for your loss. We all would have done exactly as you did, there is no way you could have known that this was anything more than just a headache. I can't imagine at such a young age finding yourself where you're at today, lean on family and friends for help. Dan
    RLC and glego like this.
  5. MariaBros

    MariaBros New Member

    I’m so sorry for such a deep and sudden loss. My husband died in a similar fashion. We were in Mexico on vacation with his brothers and their families. We were having such a great time. On the last night, just before dinner, he went to lay down because of a headache. My sister-in-law said he was calling me and I went to him. He asked for bags of ice for his headache. Strangely, I went to get the ice and he put them on his head. Then he said that this was the worst headache of his life. I didn’t know what to do, and suddenly he started talking gibberish. I asked him if he knew who I was and he said “NO” and then passed out and vomited. I screamed for help. He was a big man, 6’ 6” tall and over 300 pounds. I asked my brother-in-laws to turn him over so he wouldn’t aspirate. He was taken to a Mexican hospital where they had absolutely NOTHING to help him. The doctor looked in his eyes with a light (this was the extent of the diagnostics), then they took my credit card for the services and said they would transport us to the border so we could be transferred to the US paramedics and taken to the helicopter pad. Turns out he was too tall to fit in the helicopter they sent and we had to drive to the nearest level 1 trauma center. At the hospital they discovered he had a massive brain bleed and he underwent surgery. I don’t remember how many days he was in a coma. He seemed to be recovering somewhat and was able to open one eye and and the day before he died he was tapping his finger to try to communicate. We were so shocked as he seemed to be “getting better”. I encountered someone afterwards whose son (age 31) had lost his fiancé to a construction crane which fell over into a building, and he was only 10 feet away. I could only think how blessed I was to have had 30 years with my husband. I felt so awful for the young man who lost his entire future. I’m so sorry you have to endure this same kind of loss. I will say a prayer for you. I keep saying that God still has a plan for me, I just don’t see it right now. Grief is blinding and engulfing, but some day we will be reunited.
    @APPY, RLC, Bogman and 1 other person like this.
  6. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry for your loss, but you did nothing wrong. How would you know that it was more then a headache. You’re so young, both of you so young! I’m going through some guilt as well. My husband didn’t have a headache he had what was like a stomach virus. We were sitting in the living room after dinner watching tv, he told me he didn’t feel good, stomach cramps. He went into the bathroom and left him alone. Eventually I called into him and asked if he was ok, I didn’t hear his response so I waited a minute and got up and asked again. He yelled a blood curdling “no”! I opened the door and asked what he was feeling, stomach cramps, nausea, dizzy and sweating profusely. He then said he was going to throw up, then he layed on the bathroom floor, I told him to just lay there, the stomach virus might pass. He called to me in the sweetest gentlest tone and told he was feeling better. He started to get up, then started yelling, screaming in pain. I asked where do you hurt, his hand went to his chest! I’m now in shock and say, Ron, your heart? He nods. I call 911, then I search for aspirin, I had just cleaned out our medicine cabinet, it was out dated, tossed and not replaced! Ambulance arrived, gave him aspirin and he was taken to the hospital. Two hours from upset stomach to losing my soul mate, to a massive heart attack. I have guilt too, it was just a stomach ache so I didn’t check on him, what if I checked sooner and called sooner why didn’t I replace the aspirin. On the stretcher in the driveway he yelled I love you Robin many times, I didn’t answer. What’s wrong with me. Guilt over not answering. So I get how you’re feeling, but you did nothing wrong, neither did I but I’m having trouble telling myself that. Or accepting that as true. As I know you are too.
    I feel your pain, I want to give you a hug and tell you something to take away your pain. I wish I could wave a wand and make everything ok. But sadly I can’t. This takes time, just get through a minute at a time don’t look to far ahead. Don’t push yourself and take any and all help offered.
    My heart breaks for you, I know how you’re feeling and it’s horrible. Everyone on this site know how you’re feeling and we’re all here to give you support and support each other. I’m thinking of you and sending hugs!
    @APPY, Senergy and glego like this.
  7. glego

    glego Well-Known Member

    I think we all second guess ourselves, whether it was a long illness or sudden. I do this too it was a long illness, the if only I'd ask this question or do something/anything different. While in truth we have to accept that we did the best we could have, we wouldn't have done differently. We loved them.
    RLC and Senergy like this.
  8. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    I agree, there’s always that what if, that you just can’t get to leave your mind set. It’s too bad we do this to ourselves. But it comes from a place of love. My Mom passed 15 years ago, I still have guilt, did I do enough did I spend enough time with her. I know I did everything I could, but it’s still in my head. I know everyone has these type of questions, it’s not necessary. But we do it.
    glego and Senergy like this.
  9. nickph2020

    nickph2020 Member

    Hi, I’m so sorry that his happened. My heart breaks for you because I’ve gone through what you are going through now. The day was March 3, 2019. My wife was having an outpatient surgery. I didn’t think this was going to be a serious surgery and it was common. She wanted me to go to the consultation with her but I thought she could go by herself or with her best friend who went through the surgery already. I don’t know what I was thinking. She went to more than one consultation and did her own prep work prior to surgery. I relied on her with all health related stuff. I went with her to the day of surgery. We talked to the doctor and it felt like I had nothing to worry about. The surgery was probably about 3 hours. The doctor said everything went well and gave me a few instructions of how to take care of her. They were very simple.

    I took her home and tended to her needs. It was about 4 days later that it all went downhill. March 3, I woke up and made her some breakfast and said I would go out to the store to get a few things. I asked the kids to keep an eye on their mother. I was gone for maybe a couple hours. When I got back, I asked her if she wanted to take shower. She said yes. We were sleeping downstairs because it was difficult for her to go upstairs. As she got up she said she felt dizzy so we took our time. As we walked up the stairs, I could tell she was struggling and breathing hard. When we got to the bedroom she sat on the bed still breathing hard. I thought she just had to catch her breath but it wasn’t getting better. I sat behind her trying to get her to relax but she was sweating and she was starting to go out. Her last words were, call 911. I yelled out to my daughter to call 911. I was on the phone with the dispatcher and she told me to lay her down and perform CPR. I didn’t know how to do CPR but followed her instructions. By this point my wife was already gone. I wasn’t sure I was doing it correctly. The paramedics arrived shortly and started trying to revive her. There was still no response but they kept going at it, all the way to the hospital. When we arrived, I met with the doctor and he said he would do his best. I was thinking everything would be alright. It wasn’t long before he came back to tell me she was dead. I didn’t know what to say or do. I cried and cried. I’m crying as I tell this story. All the emotions I felt that day were unreal. I had to call family and tell them to come to the hospital but couldn’t tell them why.

    My wife and I were married for 17 years. She died at the age of 38. We married young and had kids early. We had a lot to learn about each other, about marriage and raising kids. I think we were fighting the odds because we seemed so different but we grew and made a lot of compromises. Before all of this, we were at the best point in our life. We couldn’t be happy and wanted to grow old and enjoy everything with just the two of us. To have it all torn away was crushing for me. I felt part of me was gone, I was lost and even though everyone offered their help, I felt so alone. I went through all the possible emotions of grief. There was heartache, pain, anger and struggles with myself. All the guilt and what ifs kept going through my head.

    It’s been one year, since her passing. I moved out of state with my kids 5 months ago. I don’t know if it was the right decision or not but more than anything I wanted something different. I couldn’t see or do the same thing as before. Even going to the grocery store or driving to work was difficult. Even still the driving to and from work has only improved a little. It’s that loneliness that makes my mind wonder. I haven’t completely healed and I don’t know if I will but I’ve gotten better. After a while, I realized I just didn’t want to keep feeling this way. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t focus and I was closed off from people. I had to start making small changes and try to stay busy but not overwhelming myself. I would take my time with each thing I did in order to fill my day. I’m still a work in progress as we all are. Be patient with time.
    glego likes this.
  10. Noel

    Noel New Member

    I am so sorry to hear of your incredible loss. The what if game can be easy to play but harmful. Though I am sure you know this logically sometimes it helps to hear it, there was no way you could have known the headache was more than a headache. Try picturing what he would say to you if he were physically present. I am sure he would not want you to blame yourself in any way and give you lots of hugs. Thoughts are with you
    glego likes this.
  11. nickph2020

    nickph2020 Member

    There will be a lot tears. Allow yourself to feel all the emotions that comes along with this. My wife meant the world to me. It's because of that, I could stop the tears. It's hard to see now but it will get better.
  12. nickph2020

    nickph2020 Member

    Sorry, I meant I couldn't stop the tears.
    glego likes this.
  13. nickph2020

    nickph2020 Member

    I hope you are hanging in there. Each day will be different, good and bad. The beginning is the hardest. I've dealt with things alone but it's good to have someone you can talk to. Once you are ready, try taking a walk. Sometimes I would wonder for hours. Don't worry about anything for the moment.
    glego likes this.