I feel horrible, I can’t even think straight

Hello. My beloved grandfather died of cancer this morning. I was with him all night. I talked to him but he was mostly unresponsive. He couldn’t answer anything. He tried opening one eye (the other was... lost due to his cancer) but couldn’t. He squeezed my hand. I am devastated, my heart hurts physically. I can only think of him. He died in the morning when I fell asleep in my room. Do dying people know you are next to them? I am so so sad and suffering. I can’t stop crying. I need help

 

Let me say I am so sorry for the loss of your Grandfather. Sounds like you had a very close and loving relationship with him. I’m sure your mind is reeling and it’s hard to believe this happened. I can’t say for sure whether he knew if you were with him of not, but I do know of multiple people who have passed when all their loved ones leave their side. That happened to my dad, family members were staying at his bedside day and night. The one night my brother left earlier then usual because he was tired, and before my other brother got there, my dad passed. Like he was waiting to be alone, like he didn’t want a family member to feel the pain as he passed. I know quite a few stories like that. Even though your grandfather had been unresponsive it’s possible he wanted to spare you the pain.
Or maybe it was his time and he passed peacefully in his sleep. Which ever it may be, please don’t have guilt, you were with him earlier and he knew his granddaughter loved him.
I’m guessing your mind is in a fog and just trying to wrap your mind around what happened this morning. I’m hoping you have family and friends to reach out to for support. In this current time of this pandemic, it’s difficult to have the support you need but reach out so you can talk with people and share your feelings.
I lost my husband 16 months ago very suddenly from a massive heart attack. He was healthy, at least we thought he was. I lost the love of my life in 2 hours from not feeling well to him passing. Absolutely no warning signs previously. I found this site 11 months after he passed, I was not in a good place emotionally, but this site and the people on here understand your pain and know how you’re feeling, we’re here to offer support and let you know you’re not alone.
Keep posting and reading, it does help.
My heart goes out to you. Sending you hugs!

 

Loreen,

I can see you will miss him greatly and are deeply bothered by his loss, I am so sorry for your loss.

Losing someone to cancer is so unfair. Sometimes you are given hope only to be taken away as cancer comes back with a passion. That was what happened to my wife.

I was in the Army in Okinawa when my grandfather passed. Each summer I would stay with him and my grandmother for a couple weeks. So when the Red Cross called I was at a loss of what to say other than ok, thank you.

Squeezing your hand could be a reflex. It also could be his way of showing he heard you, and was his way to show you he loves you as well. Of course you are feeling bad. Losing your grandfather was shattering to you. Your suffering from this loss is natural and something we all will go through in life.

You now need time to heal. You will cry so many tears of love for him, so natural and please don’t ever feel self conscience of doing it. Talking with others, whether family, friends, or complete strangers is a necessary step to help release those deep feelings you now hold tightly inside.

Please keep opening up. Share your love for him with others. Please don’t be offended by the reactions of some people, your loss is not as personal to them as it most obviously is to you.

Virtual healing of your heart will take time, but it will eventually come. Just please never give in to despair. You are not alone in your loss, each of us at this site have seen so many losses in our lives we understand. Peace be with you today and the days that follow and may you allow yourself to open up and talk.

-david

This is a song for you