i failed the love of my life

So it was Sunday 11/11/18 about 3:50 a.m. my love woke me to tell me he felt sick. He was sick to his stomach, alternating hot and cold, his chest felt weird. I was groggy and he went to throw up. He came back in our room and laid back on the bed. He said he was sorry for waking me. I said it was ok, then asked how his chest felt. He said it wasn’t bothering him any longer. This was satisfactory to me. We went to the dining room. He was in and out of the room several times over the next few hours. He was tired but restless. It was about 8 am when he said “I think I’m gonna go take a nap.” I took the opportunity to research what he told me he wanted for Christmas. Something quiet to do to let him nap. I fed the dogs, which was something he normally did. About 11:40 I took a shower. About 12:00 I was getting in the closet. It didn’t wake him. I called out to him a couple of times. Then I touched his arm and he was cold. I yelled for our son and called 911. My son and I got him to the living room where there was room to lay him on the floor and did cpr for over 30 minutes. I’m on here, so needless to say the EMTs & doctor never got his heart restarted.
While the EMTs were in the house working on him I heard the monitor and thought there was hope. It was just them doing the work. It took so long to pull out once they took him out of the house. I knew. I didn’t want it to be true but I knew.
We were a team for 23 years. He loved me well. I don’t have anyone to cook for, share funny stories with, hold hands with. I miss his smell, his touch, and wit. Oh and his voice, deep and smooth. Many people comment that he should be on the radio.
We had recently been approved for a nice mortgage loan, Had concert tickets, and spectacular summer plans. My mask isn’t as good as it was. It keeps cracking. I don’t know, I just don’t know.

 

Years keep squeezin out while I'm teaching. Like snake dab in the middle of a class discussion about numerator and denominators and how to remember what we learned. A few kids begin seeing the connection between fractions and division. This is exciting. I think "I need to tell steve." Then the tears came. I had to turn my back on my students.

 

He was such a good man and loved me well. I work far from home so he started cooking dinner most nights. 23 years just wasn’t long enough. Instead of talking to my love each night and morning I sit alone, even the dog doesn’t want to be around me.

 

He was such a good man and loved me well. I work far from home so he started cooking dinner most nights. 23 years just wasn’t long enough. Instead of talking to my love each night and morning I sit alone, even the dog doesn’t want to be around me.

 

I can tell you that you didn't fail him, but you will not hear that because the voice in your head is louder. I know, because I 'failed' also. I missed signs, I dismissed things that should have sharpened my focus. That's the thing, I think many people blame themselves, and maybe that is just natural, because surely someone/something must be at fault. Life surely can't be this cruel...and yet it can be. I'm so sorry for the anguish you feel, it has been nearly 2 years for me, and I am still in the grips of regret, guilt, all-consuming pain. I was by my husband's side when he suddenly died, not with my son when he died. There are very few moments when I am not thinking of them, their lives, their deaths, what could/SHOULD have been. The only relief I feel is when I think that at least they are not experiencing this horrible nightmare that is now my life. I teach also, and used to talk about my school life with my husband. Like you, I would want to get my phone out and send him a text, usually about how I wished I was home with him (he retired 2 years before his death). We looked forward to my retirement, now I think I need to work to maintain some level of sanity. Sometimes one of my students will do or say something that reminds me of my son who also died unexpectedly 7 weeks after his dad. Then the breath is just sucked right out of me. Try to be kind to yourself, push some images out if your mind. My theory is that our minds can only handle so much, and we need to guard it against thoughts we aren't prepared to deal with just yet. Example: my son's room is exactly as he left it, I literally panic when I think of cleaning it out. My husbands clothes are as he left them. It may be years before I deal with that, maybe I never will.

 

Thank you. I just can’t stop thinking about how if I had laid down beside him like normal maybe I would have noticed in time. I love him so much. We had so many plans. Like you. He had his national parks pass, we had our motor home all fixed up and ready for a longer trip. I just need to feel his arms around me.

 

I know, I blame myself for not being diligent, and sometimes feel this is my punishment of sorts for not being mindful. My husband was an adult, yet in a way looked to me for guidance. Why didn't I insist he go to the doctor? We both avoided all things medical, and now he is gone. The missing doesn't seem to lessen, now the confusion (that is the only way I can describe it). I am in a really yucky spot, losing 2 deeply loved family members...our family is ripped apart. To add to the pain, something I never imagined has happened, but that my widowed mom warned me of; friends are a huge support initially, but the nature of life I guess, is that they move on with their lives. Weeks now go by with no communication, weeks to them feel like years to me. I am now the 3rd wheel with our couples friends. I am a reminder of pain to them, although I am never "down" around them, or anyone for that matter. People would be shocked at how poorly I am handling these losses, outwardly I appear strong and upbeat, but I am literally destroyed, not a second goes by where they are not on my mind and in my heart. Have you gone to counseling? I did a couple of times, but then quit, figuring it really was my own thing to sort through. But I know people who have found it helpful. What helped me most in the beginning was staying very physically active, projects around the house (which also evoked many memories, not so helpful). My husband and I tackled these things together, so even walking into Lowe's alone was difficult at first. I miss being married, that feeling of someone who genuinely, deeply cares about every aspect of me. I know I was fortunate to be in a committed long-term marriage, and I also know that was it for me, I will be alone for the remainder of my life, so I have to find a way to see a sliver of joy somewhere. People say memories are a comfort, but for me they are excruciating. And they are everywhere. I hope you stay involved, probably good that you are back to work. I went back 5 weeks after my son died, and to be honest, I really don't remember much of that year. Kind of just went to school in a daze, taught (I think), got through a day, went home, sat on my bed and wondered what in the world happened to my life. I hate seeing anyone else go through this torment...it robs one of so much...future plans, peace in the present, that feeling of security.

 

If I may ask, do you dream about your husband? I have disturbing dreams, where I have to explain to my husband or son that they have died, in one I had to tell my husband our son died, and my husband was sobbing. So sleep is a relief only if I don't dream. I get very little sleep. I have had some pleasant dreams about them, but then waking up to reality feels like reliving it all.