I lost my dad and my best friend one week ago today (October 6 at 5:00 pm). He had been sick most of this year with various conditions, but 2 weeks ago today, he had to have an emergency procedure for blood clots in his bladder. He had a bad reaction to the anesthesia and was later intubated and was on a ventilator for a week. He passed away less than 5 minutes after the breathing tube was removed. I’m so thankful that he’s not suffering anymore, but I don’t know how to exist without him. He has been my best friend my entire life and I’ve never gone more than a couple days without talking to or texting him until now. I can’t stop thinking about all of his suffering and I have all of this guilt now. For the rest of my life, I have to know that his last words to me was him begging to have the oxygen mask taken off (he was claustrophobic) and that my hand was to hot on his hand. For the past week I have kept my self so busy working on cleaning out his apartment it now I can’t stop crying and I keep having panic attacks. I’m so scared that it’s going to be like this always now. I feel so alone now and like half of me is missing.
Sorry to hear about the loss of your father. I lost my mother in May. Guilt is, unfortunately, a common component of grief. We always seem to wonder "what if" and then beat ourselves up about it. You will never "get over" the loss of your father, but hopefully you will eventually be able to adapt. Some people find that venting (in a journal or online) helps. Others find comfort in religion. Still others need the services of a counselor/therapist. In any case, I hope you find this site helpful.
Hi Ally - I am struggling with something similar. My mom died on August 26. Well, the official date is August 27 because that is when the senior living facility found her. But I know from when she stopped reading emails on her computer that it was the day before. Why didn't I call her that day? I meant to but got caught up in my own stuff. And going back further, she was having pain a few weeks earlier that laid her low. Why didn't I insist she go to the hospital or even the doctor? Why didn't I fly out there to check on her? My aunt, who usually helps out with my mom's health issues, was in the hospital herself. These questions torment me whenever I am still. Like you I have been keeping busy as much as possible. I have no answers but wish you peace.
