I’m unfortunately new here and I’m devastated.

I’m not really sure why I’m posting this. I know that this will not bring him back but maybe I can talk to some people who knows what I’m going through because right now I feel all alone. On December 22 nd I lost my 29 year old brother suddenly. He has a wife and two young children that he left behind. I am feeling such guilt that I wasn’t there to save him. He wasn’t feeling good thought that he had a bad cold and then suddenly went into cardiac arrest and died at the hospital. We are all devastated. Now the medical Examiner told us that we won’t even know his cause of death until sometime in April. I’m left with so many questions my mind is just spinning. On top of of grieving terribly at the loss I feel that I have to be strong for my mother, his wife and kids, and my youngest sister. Why do I feel such a strong role to hold them up as the oldest sibling when inside I am destroyed. The grief is unbearable. It’s like my childhood just plays in my head like a broken record. I’m so lost without him. I find that when I’m not crying I’m angry at everything. He was such a good person the kind that would do anything to help anyone. I just don’t understand.

 

Cindvc35 wow very recent. Yes the question?. We want to make sense of this. so natural. My wife's sister passed at age 36 of what we understood to be an viral induced heart attach. As we gathered on the beach in Gulf Breeze Fa. for the ashes to be cast by boat our thoughts ran. For me those were ,why so young, she had so much more life to live. The issue of fairness. Also the exact nature of the cause. She had been in India. My wife was also the oldest. This role is responsible. You always have been and if any thing like Kay will always be like that. The memories at 1oo frames per minute also with the intent to make sense of what happened. The big why. We will not rest until we understand or on some level come to terms. The anger has so many parts. For me a lot of it was the trauma of the death and the sequence leading up to it but so much more. That is the over whelming part that there is so much more. I will not begin to know or comment on your experience. This will command your attention for a very long time. You have the added concerns of his wife and children. I am going to hope your community in some fashion can assist with this. I will also hope your family can help each other. Tears as many as you want. This community I tend to think feels this event.

 

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o goodness, im so sorry for your loss! my middle sister lost her 37yr old husband 20yrs ago; they had 2 small children. it took her a full year to get through just the initial stages of her grief. i just lost my oldest son; 34yrs old; suddenly. he died dec 5th. it still doesnt seem real. it sounds to me like you’re grieving process is experiencing some of the feelings of guilt & responsibility that iv been told are normal expressions of our grief. but iv been told we must confront those emotions with truth & not let them destroy us. iv struggled with feelings of guilt where my son is concerned; feeling i should have done more, etc. but the truth is, i did all i could & more. there was nothing anyone could do. my therapist says not to be surprised if i get angry, he says that’s normal too. it sounds like you’re already experiencing some of that. i havent yet, but im sure i will. right now, i feel stuck in the shock phase; still cant wrap my head around his being dead. it’s preventing me from really starting to grieve. im sorry your brother left a grieving family, but im glad you have them to love; not to be responsible for...to love. my oldest sister lost her son 18yrs ago; he had a 2yr old daughter; she brings my sister so much comfort, having a grandchild. but she’s not responsible for her, her mother is. my sister always helped out, but in her role as a gma, not as a replacement for her grandaughter’s missing father. i hope you find some peace.

 

lesli my still living sister-in-law left a FB post that in essence had a memorial that states, we do not know why Kay left and she took a piece of us with her. Of course I am going to weep. I told her it was painful but I am glad she posted it. I think your comments hit some good points. They say grieving is a process. A part of me watches all these phases and knows I have lost it. Yes, the part about recrimination. Did I do a good job as caregiver and was I the husband she deserved. The answers are most likely both Yes and NO. As an untrained care giver I did the best I could with the knowledge I had. As to the husband she deserved. I would prefer she answer that. My feeling is there was room for improvement. Some of my self criticism has to do with my own worry and self doubt. This activity unresolved used up energy. That energy could had been given to her in a more productive expressions of love. If that is accurate than what are we to do. I would say course correct and become the person our partners deserved. I am also going to agree with lesli on these intense feelings or emotions on steroids are as most Hospice and grief counselors say part of the package. It is a relief to know all this swirl of thought and emotion is expected. It comes with the territory. Yes, it is legitimate madness. Anger is talked about. I brought this up with my hospice counselor. Big word and she spent about ten minuets on this. She usually listens. When she was done I was in shock. There are versions that I would be to fearful to even begin to comprehend. These dealt with abuse cases and unresolved and dark experiences. In my case I believe most was pure trauma of being present for a lot of suffering. As I type this a ton of emotion is tied to that part of what I witnessed. lesli again I will say yes. Stunned, disoriented, confused, conflicted, all of it. The very faculty we use to comprehend our world and our selves is off line. Unavailable to sort these so complex issues. To me the biggest thing is that we loved them. They brought so much goodness to our lives. We are in the human being business. This means we do best connected to those people who see us. The barriers are gone and we are known and accepted by an other. One of our site members, Chelle51 has posted a blog of sorts. I cant tell you how proud I am of her. She takes a difficult passing and gives such an accurate accounting. Sorry for going on for so long but I was up at 2:30 AM. Thanks to you all for being here. Paul