Husband is gone and waiting for him to come back

Discussion in 'Suicide Loss' started by Markswife, Apr 7, 2019.

  1. Markswife

    Markswife Member

    My husband took his own life in front of me two years ago. I can't believe he did it or did this to our son. I'm not looking for it wasn't your fault or you have to be here for your son and I hate it when people say it will get better. Nothing makes it better and my son just buries everything inside. I went to counseling and it made it worse. I have nightmares so does my son. My husband had depression, our son had moved to his first apartment just two weeks before his dad died. He just did it, no words, no notes, just picked up the gun and did it. He was in counselling and I thought he was better.
     
  2. LindaH

    LindaH Well-Known Member

    I am sorry for you loss.

    That's a lot to deal with.

    Counseling works for some people, but as you found out it's not for everyone.
    I wish you peace in your grieving process.
    We are all here for you when you need to talk.
     
  3. Ellla

    Ellla Member

    I'm sorry for the pain you and your son are enduring. My boyfriend took his own life almost two years ago, half an hour after I left his apartment. I have nightmares as well as sleep paralysis. I hated when people would tell me it happened for a reason. Or when they would say God takes everyone away for a reason. It would make my blood boil. I don't understand how people can say that without knowing the type of pain we are feeling. Please if you would like to chat sometime I'm available. I hope you can find some peace.
     
  4. Markswife

    Markswife Member

    I'm sorry for your loss, looking at your photo my heart is breaking. Do you find peace comes in spurts. Maybe not peace but you escape the memories of what happened and you hear a song or someone says something that maybe your loved one used to say and the depression sets in again? Our son just got his dream job and in from of him I'm so happy but after he left the house I was depressed because my husband missed his son's good fortune. I'm here for you as well, anytime.
     
    LindaH likes this.
  5. Ellla

    Ellla Member

    Peace definitely comes in spurts. There are a lot of things that remind me of him. A few months after his passing my mom wanted me to come back to Denver to be with my family but I thought that I was leaving him. I thought that he was going to come back and I had to be here for that. Almost two years later I got another opportunity to move to Denver for my job and I'm taking it. I'm moving four days after his 2yr anniversary. But I feel like it's time for me to start moving on and moving away from everything that reminds me of him. Honestly though I haven't even started packing I'm terrified of doing this. But yes peace comes in spurts. Some days I'm ok and other days I don't want to get out of bed. But now I can talk about him to other people without crying and I think that's progress.
     
    Saintgrl74 likes this.
  6. Markswife

    Markswife Member

    Good for you, I have been thinking of selling my house but I get nervous thinking about doing it without him. I cleaned his clothes closet out on the 2 year anniversary of his death and I did okay with it. I kept all the military uniforms though. My son comes and get his dads tools on weekends (a lot of tools)and takes them to his house. I wasn't okay with that until this year. We have a camper that we used every weekend in the summer. I live in the Black Hills of South Dakota. I haven't been to the camper since he died. I'm going to purpose to go out to it, clean it and get it ready to sell. Things that are simple for most send us hiding under the covers. I have no family except my son and my husband took his own life because of the nightmares and tortures of his childhood. So I don't have the support of his family either. You are blessed to have your mom, good luck with the move and thanks for corresponding.
     
    Saintgrl74 likes this.
  7. Ellla

    Ellla Member

    I can't imagine how much harder it is for you. My aunt lost her husband of 10yrs a few weeks after I lost my boyfriend and she has not touched their room. I think it should be done when you are truly ready. However long that may take. I truly hope you find some peace and can start moving forward. Lately I've been going outside in the early morning and just breathe everything in. You should join me sometime! Even if we aren't close just go outside before the world wakes up and breathe everything in.
     
    Saintgrl74 likes this.
  8. LindaH

    LindaH Well-Known Member


    I know exactly how you feel.
    I am having trouble getting rid of all my husbands items.
    Getting better at it but it's so hard to get rid of things His shoes were the first items I gave away. When I gave them away I cried for a week.
    Since that I am better at donating his items.
    Still have not touched items on his desk.
     
    Saintgrl74 likes this.
  9. Markswife

    Markswife Member

    I am so sorry for your loss, I haven't given his shoes away. They are in a nice wood shoe rack he made himself I can't see to touch it.
     
  10. Markswife

    Markswife Member

    I think I may do that tomorrow. We are both MST right? I get up at 3:30 am for work. I will be on my deck in my robe and slippers to give it a try, with my coffee of course.
     
  11. Ellla

    Ellla Member

    I'll be right there with you with a coffee in my hand!
     
  12. Markswife

    Markswife Member

    So sorry, I don't mind the 35 degree weather but the winds are strong this morning. Did you know we are getting snow the next two days? I did stand in front of the window and listen to the wind. I home you have a great day.:)
     
  13. Saintgrl74

    Saintgrl74 Active Member

    I like these threads talking about getting rid of things and getting up in the morning to breathe. It’s been 6 months and 2 weeks since my husband died. I still have his car, it parked across the parking lot from our new apartment and I forgot to start it during the cold weather so the battery needs a jump.
    I like having a few minutes to myself in the morning before I wake up our 8 year old son. I need time to breathe in the reality that Allen is gone. Friday I finally got the call from the medical examiners office that the toxicology report was completed but the office is just behind on written reports and certifications. His death has been declared suicide by oxycodone overdose, he had 10x the lethal dose in his system. He was found in bed in a motel in a sleeping posture, like he went to sleep and just didn’t wake up bc he didn’t wear his C-pap. But I knew better. We were arguing about relapse. I had believed immediately he overdosed, but my family, and no one really, wanted to believe it. So I then started to believe maybe it was congestive heart failure. Nope. He killed himself. Now I feel like he’s died all over again 6 months later.
    Sorry that I derailed the conversation a bit. But I’ve decided not to tell many people that it was suicide until my son is old enough to tell. He knows his dad had a drug addiction with opioids and even guessed when I told him that his dad had died “Why did Daddy have to take too much medicine?!?!” We have been open about the addiction part, I think suicide is a little harder to explain to an 8 year old. So for now, I’m just going to leave it as an overdose.
    I’m glad I have a place to share this bc it’s tearing me up. Like I said, it’s like it’s happened all over again.
     
  14. LindaH

    LindaH Well-Known Member

    I am sorry you have to go through the pain all over.
    Even though an autsopy was not performed on my husband ,I know he overdosed.
    Either by accident or on purpose...I will never know .

    If I had been in country, maybe I would have been able to demand an autsopy . Instead all I got from doctor was "it could have been any of his medical issues"


    My thoughts will be with you Saintgrl.
     
  15. Saintgrl74

    Saintgrl74 Active Member

    Thank you, Linda. I understand what you mean, i had to fight for an autopsy for two hours. The medical examiner wanted to say that he died of sleep apnea and call it a day. Luckily we had a close relationship with his primary care physician and some other information to help us provide enough pressure to push for one. I had also explained that his father and his father’s father had both died of heart attacks at this same age, so I had to know bc we have an 8 year old son. But I knew it wasn’t a heart attack.
    Hugs to you, Linda
     
  16. LindaH

    LindaH Well-Known Member

    Hugs to you.
     
    Saintgrl74 likes this.
  17. Markswife

    Markswife Member

    I am so sorry to hear your story. I think we all have our times when it seems as though it is happening all over again. The military police called me 1 1/2 years after it happened and asked me if I wanted the gun back and if I did they had to warn me it wasn't clean. I lost my breath, I couldn't believe they had the nerve to call me and say those things. I wanted to be left alone. People ask me how my husband died and I just say he was very sick for a very long time. I don't find mental illness any different than cancer or any other terminal disease. But the stigma exists, people ask me how my brother died and I say, "cancer" but my husband, "he was very sick for a very long time", people never probe. My son was an adult and the police told him when he came to the house, the police found his number in my phone. I wish I had healing words for all of you.
     
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  18. Ellla

    Ellla Member

    My boyfriend died of an overdose as well. The coroner ruled it a suicide because of the amount of drugs he had in his system. The night before he died we argued as well. He was relapsing and I was very upset. I told him I wanted to marry him and have kids with him but that it was never going to happen because he would never give up drugs. I cried and cried but he comforted me. The next morning I woke up for work, got dressed, gave him a kiss and told him I loved him. He was gone 30mins after I left. I laid in bed for days and cried. My daughter (from a previous relationship) didn't quite understand what was going on. She knew I lost someone that I loved and she would ask what happened. I would just tell her that his heart was broken. I have to admit these past few days I have not felt like myself. I've been crying more than usual and I know it's because this month will make two years. But today I finally went out for a drive in the rain that turned into a double rainbow so maybe things will start getting better from here. Big huge to everyone.
     
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  19. Missingmjm

    Missingmjm Member

    I feel your pain. My husband shot himself on April 5,2019. It still seems unreal. I pray to remember happier times but that moment will not give room for anything else right now. Feeling lost most of the time. Just found this site today.
     
  20. Missingmjm

    Missingmjm Member

    My husband shot himself on April 5. I found him with the gun in his lap and his hand still loosely around it. The responding officers also asked me if I’d like to “keep the gun”. I know they were just doing their job and it was our personal property but I remember thinking what a creepy question. I said absolutely not! Then he asked if it was special and maybe another family member would want it! Who would want the gun he used to end it all and forever alter our existence?? I wish you peace and purpose.